First 5 pages of a new sitcom

EXT. FLAT - DAY

Danny and Jess walk up to the door and Jess rings the doorbell. Danny is holding a balloon saying "It's a boy".

Danny:
Why can't I just use my key?

Jess:
You don't live here any more. It would be an invasion of Matt's privacy.

INT. FLAT - DAY

Matt opens the door. Jess hugs Matt.

Jess:
I'm so happy for you Matt. Where is he?

Matt:
He's through there. He's just woken up from his nap.

Jess walks through to the living room. Danny gives Matt the balloon.

Danny:
The balloon was Jess' idea.

Matt:
Thanks. Why didn't you use your key.

Danny:
I don't live here any more. It would be an invasion of your privacy.

Matt:
Oh yeah. Thanks mate.

Matt and Danny follow Jess into the living room. Jess is stroking Matt's new dog, Charlie.

Jess:
He's gorgeous. What's his name?

Matt:
Charlie. He was abandoned by his last owners.

Jess:
How could anyone abandon him?

Matt:
I don't know.

Jess:
I can't wait for him to meet Toby. Do you still want to walk later?

Matt:
Yeah course. We're forward to it. Well, I am anyway. How's the flat?

Jess:
Yeah good. We've finished decorating the living room. You will have to come round and see it soon. Have you found anyone to rent out Danny's old room yet?

Matt:
No, not yet.

Danny:
You're going to have to find someone soon, I've been gone a month.

Matt:
Yes I know. I'm trying to persuade Ben to move in but he's not sure. I want to find someone I know rather than a stranger. I could end up with anyone. A drug dealer, a murderer, an Arsenal fan, anyone.

Danny:
Good point. I'll have a word with people at work and see if anyones interested.

Matt:
Ok thanks.

Jess:
How did your date go last night?

Matt:
Oh not very good.

Jess:
What happened?

Matt:
It turns out it wasn't a date. She asked me to go out for a drink because I helped her at work. When I turned up she was sitting with her boyfriend.

Jess:
Oh. Never mind, you'll meet someone soon.

Matt:
People have been saying that to me for years.

Jess:
You'll find someone. I believe there is one perfect person out there for everyone. You just have to find her.

Matt:
That's easier said than done. She could be anywhere. She could be living in America or Australia. She could have died in a horrific car accident for all I know and then I'll never meet her.

Danny:
That's it stay positive.

Matt:
My mum and dad are coming to dinner tomorrow. They want to see Charlie. I thought if it went well yesterday I could have invited her. The last girlfriend of mine they met was about 14.

Jess:
What?!

Matt:
I was 14 as well. Sorry, I should have re phrased that.

EXT. THE PARK - DAY

Matt, Danny and jess are walking with Charlie and Toby. Everyone is in a good mood.

Matt:
They seemed to enjoy that didn't they.

Danny:
Yeah. I'm not sure that swan did through.

Matt:
He was ok. Charlie was only playing. I just think the swan took it a bit to seriously.

Jess:
Do you want to get a drink before we go back? We usually get a cup of tea from that food hut.

Matt:
Yeah ok.

They walk towards the food van. Matt treads in some dog poo.

Matt:
Oh great. Right in the middle of a field. Some people don't deserve to have dogs.

Jess:
I know, its disgusting.

The three of them sit at a bench. Matt is wiping his shoe on the grass. Lucy comes out to take their order and steps in the dog poo as well.

Lucy:
Oh great. Just when I thought this day couldn't get any worse.

Matt:
Sorry. I should have warned you, I just did that.

Lucy:
What? You disgusting... There's a toilet right over there!

Matt:
What? No, I don't mean I actually did it. I just meant that I stepped in it as well. Look.

Lucy:
Oh sorry.

Jess:
Matt, this is Lucy. Lucy, this is Matt and his dog Charlie. He got him today from the rescue centre.

Lucy:
Oh he is gorgeous.

Matt:
Thanks. I am having a good hair day.

Lucy:
Yeah. What do you want to drink?

Matt:
Can we get 3 tea's please?

Lucy:
Yes ok. Do you want some water?

Matt:
No thanks, I'm having one of the tea's.

Lucy:
I meant for the dogs.

Matt:
Oh right. Yes please.

Lucy walks back to the van to get the drinks.

Matt:
She seems nice.

Jess:
Yes she is. We always have a good chat with her.

Matt:
Has she got a boyfriend?

Jess:
Yes but they've been arguing a lot recently. I think she wants to split up with him.

Matt:
Brilliant. Could you put in a good word for me?

Jess:
I think it's a bit soon. They haven't even split up yet. I'm not sure if you're suited to each other anyway.

Matt:
What? We got on really well there. I think I made a good first impression.

Danny:
She thought you were the sort of person that would have a poo in a field.

Matt:
That was a classic misunderstanding. We will be laughing about that in the future.

Jess:
I'm not sure you're her type. She likes sporty people.

Matt:
I'm sporty. I was always in to sport at school.

Danny:
I don't think conkers counts as a sport.

Matt:
Not just conkers. I was good at table tennis as well.

Danny:
She likes tough guys. Her boyfriend is a boxer and her last boyfriend was a rugby player. You got a black eye playing swingball with your nan.

Matt:
She had a surprisingly powerful backhand!

Lucy comes back with the drinks.

Jess:
Is everything ok Lucy?

Lucy:
No. I found out yesterday that Tom has been cheating on me.

Jess:
Oh no.

Lucy:
I walked in on them.

Jess:
What are you going to do?

Lucy:
I don't know. I want to move out but I haven't got anywhere else to go. My mum and dad turned my old room in to a gym 3 days after I moved out so I can't even go there.

Matt:
I'm actually looking for a flatmate at the moment. It's just around the corner from here and the rent is very reasonable.

Lucy:
Really?

Matt:
Yes. You can move in today if you want.

Lucy:
Are you sure?

Matt:
Yes. Me and Danny can even help you collect your stuff can't we Danny. Can't we Danny!

Danny:
Yes!

Not bad for a first attempt, some good ideas there. However, even at this early stage there should be more of a plot developing, and the plot is the motor that drives a sitcom. What if the landlord hates dogs, and they're not allowed pets in the flat? Then one of the plotlines would be their attempts to hide the dog when the landlord's around - perhaps the dog barks, one of the flat mates pretends he or she's got an animal imitation act...then you could end the episode with the flatmate on Britain's Got Talent, with their amazingly popular new act...crap ideas, but you see what I mean? It should be meticulously planned, and every line should further the plot if possible. Good luck!

I got some chuckles from that. Good stuff. :)

My critiques would maybe be more structural. I'm not sure we find out anything in the first scene that we don't find out again in the second (Matt needs a flatmate/girlfriend and has bought a dog) - It's all explained to the audience, then it has to be re-explained to Lucy. I'm not sure I'd drop the first scene entirely, but maybe there's some repeated exposition to trim down (or done in a more interesting way) in the second.

The other thing I noticed was that some of the dialogue lines sounded a bit unnatural. Either a lack of contractions or just generally sounding slightly 'off', like it doesn't quite sound how someone would speak in real life. Only the odd line here and there, but might be worth some sort of exercise (reading it out loud/in your head, some sort of table read with friends or something) just to go through and tweak those bits.

I'd probably have carried on reading after those pages though, so that's a good thing. Good luck!

For me nothing very funny happens fast enough. I would want to get something really funny happening straight away, within the first few exchanges between the characters, otherwise why should anyone carry on reading it, or watching it? Your audience are butterfly's, they flit here and there, attention span of an half eaten donut. :)

Having said that, well done for writing it and posting it. How many couch potatoes can even be arsed to get off the couch to fetch a can? :)

Oh, while you're passing the fridge mate..