INT. BASEMENT - STATIONERY/POST AND PRINT ROOM - MORNING
MANNIE (A SCRUFFY MAN) IS SITTING IN A DANK BASEMENT READING THE PAPER OUT LOUD TO THE ROOM AT A DESK SURROUNDED BY PIGEON HOLES, PRINTERS AND PILES OF MAIL. LIZ (A YOUNG BLACK WOMAN FRESH OUT OF THE PACKET) AND MALCOLM (A ONE DIMENSION BRITISH CARAVAN OWNING BENIDORM HOLIDAY, HOMOPHOBIC, UNDER THE THUMB ROAST ON A SUNDAY MAN) IS SITTING IN THE CORNER
MANNIE
I can't believe this, scientists have stuck goose wings to the back of a pig and it flew for half a mile before crash landing in a bread factory in Chichester, the towns folk celebrated with bacon sandwiches...what happened to the wings?
ROBERT ENTERS THE ROOM
ROBERT
I stole them and flew to the stars where I belong
MANNIE
Hey Rob, welcome back
ROBERT
The acting course was amazing Mannie..
MANNIE
Wait hold on, I wanted to show you something...
MANNIE LOOKS AROUND HIS DESK BUT CANT FIND WHAT HE'S LOOKING FOR
MANNIE (CONT'D)
Forget it, it'll turn up. I drew a picture of Geoff bent over being shafted by Tony Hart, I thought we could stick it to Geoff's back?
ROBERT
Sounds like a plan, why Tony Hart?
MANNIE
Your the one that's always saying he needs more heart inside him
ROBERT
Nice!
ROBERT POPS HIS HEAD ROUND THE CORNER AT MALCOLMS MESSY DESK
ROBERT (CONT'D)
Morning Mal
MALCOLM IS STANDING ON CHAIR, EXPOSING HIS HUGE BELLY
MALCOLM
Alright, I knew you were back, my gaydar went off this morning
ROBERT
When you were in bed with your boyfriend?
MALCOLM
I'm not the gay one you are, that's why it went off, I'm married so it's you are gay
ROBERT
I forgot you were married, how is the hubby?
MALCOLM
Come here and say that
ROBERT GOES BACK TO MANNIE
MANNIE
So how was your acting course? Did it awaken you to life without this relentless drive to get plaudits, acceptance and awards?
ROBERT PRODUCES AN AWARD IN THE SHAPE OF A STAR FROM HIS BAG
ROBERT
I won an award
MANNIE
Cool it's a star
ROBERT
A star for a star
MANNIE
Can I have it?
ROBERT
You can have it on your desk for today
MANNIE
Deal, Oh FYI Liz handed her notice in last week
ROBERT
She's getting out before me, good for her
ROBERT SHOUTS ACROSS TO LIZ
ROBERT (CONT'D)
Liz congratulations
LIZ LOOKS UP AS IF THE VOICE HAS COME FROM THE CEILING
ROBERT (CONT'D)
Mannie just told me your leaving?
LIZ
I am?
ROBERT
You got a new job?
LIZ
I have, I'm going to work for the church which is a religious company. I have realized that only the worlds biggest losers that have no aim or drive in life stay here longer than 2 years
MANNIE
We've all been here longer than 2 years
BEAT
LIZ
You just proved my point
ROBERT
I really thought I would get out before you. Well, GOOD LUCK working for the church
LIZ
Thanks
ROBERT (SARCASM)
No I mean GOOD LUCK
LIZ
Thanks
ROBERT
No, Im rolling my eyes. So I mean GOOD LUCK
LIZ ROLLS HER EYES
LIZ
THANK YOU
ROBERT GRITS HIS TEETH, LIZ GOES BACK TO HER COMPUTER
MANNIE
You want a tea?
ROBERT
Yeah why not
MANNIE LEAVES WE SEE THE PICTURE OF GEOFF AND TONY HART TAPED TO MANNIE'S BACK.
SCENE 2
INT. BASEMENT - POST AND PRINT ROOM
ROBERT IS NOW IN UNIFORM AT THE FRONT DESK WITH LIZ SERVING CUSTOMERS MANDY AND JEAN
MANDY
These are left from an event, i'm assuming you recycle
ROBERT
We do, we are very green down here, like an infection
MANDY JUST LOOKS AT ROBERT
ROBERT (CONT'D)
That's a bad example, I should have gone for something else green, something cool like Raphael from the turtles
MANDY
Yeah that's cool
MANDY LEAVES
ROBERT
Mannie who's the coolest turtle?
MANNIE
Michelangelo
ROBERT
Arguably
LIZ IS STILL SERVING JEAN
JEAN
My new location is 4G and not 3G, Ok great
LIZ
Thank you
JEAN LEAVES, SHE PASSES GEOFF A WEATHERED CLINT EASTWOOD LOOKING MAN, A MAN WHO'S DREAM IT IS TO LIVE IN A SHACK IN THE WOODS AND NEVER SEE ANOTHER HUMAN BEING EVER AGAIN
ROBERT
Here he is..
GEOFF FLIPS ROBERT THE MIDDLE FINGER. ROBERT TAKES THE BOX THAT MANDY BROUGHT DOWN AND STARTS POURING THE LOT INTO A BIN, A RED PEG FALLS FROM THE BOX, ROB PICKS IT UP. GEOFF ENTERS
ROBERT (CONT'D)
YOU SHALL NOT...........
LIZ CUTS ROBERT'S GANDALF IMPRESSION SHORT
LIZ
Change this woman's location
LIZ STICK THE POST IT TO GEOFF'S TIE, GEOFF MOUTHS THE WORDS 'WHO'S THAT?' AND TAKES THE POST IT OFF AND THROWS IT IN THE BIN AND HEADS TO HIS SMALL DESK AT THE BACK OF THE BASEMENT, ROBERT CLIPS THE RED PEG TO THE BACK OF GEOFF'S JACKET ON THE BACK OF HIS CHAIR
MANNIE
Gandalf
ROBERT
Yea, it was either Gandalf or Gollum
MANNIE
Do you're Gollum
ROBERT
"...stupid fat hobbitsis"
MANNIE
Pretty good
ROBERT
I know. Now I'm just going to...
ROBERT POINTS AT GEOFF
MANNIE
Of course
GEOFF
You see the problem with you is...
GEOFF SUDDENLY HAS A SMALL RED KNIFE, HE FLICK IT OPEN AND CHOPS A SLICE OF APPLE
ROBERT
Did you miss me while I was off?
GEOFF
Have you been off?
GEOFF TAKES OUT A RED LIGHTER AND SLIGHTLY COOKS THE SLICE OF APPLE
ROBERT
Yeah last week
GEOFF
Really?
ROBERT
Your joking?
GEOFF
Nope
ROBERT
Classic Geoff
GEOFF PICKS UP ROBERTS TROPHY
GEOFF
So you won a trophy for...most chins held by a failed actor
ROBERT TAKES THE TROPHY BACK, HE LOOKS AT THE TROPHY SLOWLY
ROBERT
It doesn't say that
MALCOLM
SHIT! How am I suppose to find all these people?
MALCOLM GESTURES TO A LARGE PILE OF POST
MALCOLM (CONT'D)
They should have a yellow pages with all the people that work here and locations, I have been saying that for years
MANNIE
They do, it's called the directory
MALCOLM
Of course their is and pigs can fly
MANNIE WALKS OVER TO MALCOLM WITH HIS PAPER
MANNIE
They can but only as far as Chichester
ROBERT CONTINUES
ROBERT
Geoffrey, you are looking at an award winning actor as voted by...
GEOFF
Raging homosexuals
MALCOLM
Because your gay
ROBERT
Thank you Mal, no Geoff as voted for by the other actors on the course. I got a round of applause
LIZ
You wouldn't in China, it's disrespectful to clap so you would never get a round of applause in China
GEOFF
No different from the UK
ROBERT
I wasn't in China
LIZ
Lucky. Applause would have meant they hated you
ROBERT
Nobody hates me
GEOFF
You are getting the words Nobody and everybody mixed up again, your always doing that
ROBERT
Nobody hates me, everybody likes me
GEOFF
See you did it again
ROBERT
That's childish
GEOFF
Is it? Were any of these failed "actors" who voted for you blind?
ROBERT
Nobody was blind
GEOFF
You mean everybody?
ROBERT
No, everybody voted for me
GEOFF
You mean nobody
ROBERT
Everyone could see?
GEOFF
So it was a blind acting school?
ROBERT
All the people, actors on the course could see perfectly fine
MALCOLM
So they could see you were an ugly f**ker
ROBERT
Yeah, like you
MALCOLM
Come here and say that
MANNIE
Mal how did you get on with the doctors?
MALCOLM
Not great, the wife was told that both of us had to give up smoking at least 50%
MANNIE
That's a good thing right?
MALCOLM
Is it? She doesn't want to give up at all, so the mother in laws idea was that I give up 100% so she doesn't have to give up her 50%
GEOFF
That makes no sense
MANNIE
Geoff's right, the doctor meant you both need to look after yourselves more by cutting down
GEOFF
I meant giving up smoking at all, it's great why would you stop
MALCOLM
I was confused by the whole thing. She's taking away all the good things slowly like drinking in the week and meat, MEAT!! She want me to give up steak? If I could afford it, I would be talking about divorce
MANNIE
Sounds like she's trying to make you healthier
MALCOLM
I go to the gym every other day, she wants me to stop that too. I have never been healthier
ROBERT
How is the gym going Mal?
MALCOLM PATS HIS BELLY
MALCOLM
Gotta stay on top of it otherwise it gets out of hand
MANNIE
It seems to me your wife is trying to help
LIZ
Seems to me that you will die of a heart attack
ROBERT
And it seems to me you live your life like a candle in the wind
MANNIE
She's trying to make you healthier
MALCOLM
No drinking during the week, how does that make me happier? Steak, drinking and smoking make me happy
MANNIE
And your kids and wife
MALCOLM
Sure those too but I mean no drinking during the week, its mental
MANNIE
We'll help you quit Mal
ROBERT
I won't be helping at all
MANNIE
We can all be supportive
LIZ
Sorry Mannie, I wasn't listening I was watching this video of a squirrel
ROBERT AND MANNIE GO OVER TO LIZ
ROBERT
Is it the one with the squirrel on water ski's?
MANNIE
Or the one where the squirrel get into somebody's kitchen and jumps out a 15 floor window and survives?
LIZ
No it's a squirrel...
LIZ IS LAUGHING
LIZ (CONT'D)
Eating a nut
ALL THREE LOOK AT THE SCREEN AND THERE IS A SQUIRREL EATING A NUT AND NOTHING ELSE. MANNIE AND ROBERT DON'T GET IT AND WALK BACK TO GEOFF
GEOFF
You see the problem with you is...

As Harold Pinter says, who needs action or a plot when you can just stand around talking? Stationary indeed.

Is that positive or negative? Lol

I think Rymans might be able to write a more exciting sitcom.

Get a character. Get him/her wanting to do things, even if it's a night out or trip away. And stick obstacles up.

You have a have an interesting plot before you start writing a sitcom - or anything else, come to that.

Nothing happens.
Write down the plot - no jokes, just the plot.
Post that.
Then we can talk.

Cheers guys, great feedback! Onwards and upwards

Welcome to the site, Rob.

Quote: Paul Wimsett @ 2nd March 2018, 12:08 PM

Welcome to the site, Rob.

View original

It's a rude awakening Paul but exactly what I need.

Without meaning to join in the pile-on, I did have a read through so I may as well bring up a couple of points I hope might help:

- Characters. Everyone's voice sounds very similar at the moment to me, which made it hard to follow who was saying what (admittedly, the way this board screws up formatting when you copy and paste a script onto it doesn't help). Worth trying to give each character a more unique voice, through cadence, the words they use, their mannerisms, whatever. (Note: This is something I struggle with in my own writing attempts, so this advice is offered from a point of complete hypocrisy).

- Plot. Other posters have covered this, so I won't repeat them too much, but you're essentially a third of the way into the episode now and nothing has happened. You've set up plenty of stuff that might happen but then the script sort of veers away from doing anything with it. For example, we find out that Liz is leaving, but nobody seems to care, so I don't care. We fid out Robert wants to be an actor, and has won an award, but apart from some banter about the award itself, it doesn't feel like that's leading to anything. We find out that Malcolm's been told to lose weight, but...nothing really happens with that either. What's actually going to happen in this episode? What are the characters going to do? Can they start doing it by page five (or even earlier)?

Hope some of that helps. Good luck with the next draft!

Very good points, thank you.
I wanted it to feel like nothing is happening, with a few under current plots and stories. I wanted it to feel like this is a world that has existed for years and years without being discovered until now. It's a very selfish bowl of lazy, nobody cares that Liz is leaving, they care about being left behind. The old boys are stuck in a ongoing work like a slave until retirement, then they get a couple of years of living the dream before they die, Geoff and Malcolm should have retired years ago but are very bitter and will probably die in the post room and when that does happen nobody will notice because they rarely move from their seats anyway. It's the bottom of the rung and they know it, Robert sees it as a stop gap and everyone else who said that when they started working there knows that once your in, it's tough to get out...Liz leaving makes them annoyed and bitter and they choose not to care.

Thanks for taking the time to read it gang!

I will get onto my next draft with all your points in mind

No worries. I can see what you're saying, but...

Quote: Robriv @ 2nd March 2018, 12:51 PM

I wanted it to feel like nothing is happening

View original

This is a dangerous game to play for obvious reasons. Clearly there's been plenty of sitcoms set in 'boring workplaces', but nobody wants to watch a TV show in which nothing happens. At the risk of making specific suggestions, rather than nobody reacting to Liz getting a job, maybe that's the thing that finally makes Robert realise he needs to get on and do something with his life. What does he want to do? How will he do it? Who or what will stand in his way? How will he inevitably fail? (Because he will fail, because he's trapped in a sitcom).

That's a fairly terrible example, but you get the idea. In terms of establishing the situation, 'people trapped in monotonous, directionless employment' should be a fairly quick sell. Most of us experience that sort of thing every day, after all!

Robriv, mucker -

The opening lines are a damn sight better than they were the last time I saw saw them, but here is a very practical suggestion for you:

Take your favourite sitcom of all time. Or any of your favourites.

Get the first episode (or pilot) and WRITE THE SCRIPT OUT (I'm not shouting, btw..)

Map out the plot, count the number of 'laughs', do a bit of ANALYSIS (still not shouting).

What was it about the SCRIPT (not the actors or the performances) that made the people who decide these things bother to go ahead with it.

You might then benefit from this.

You might not.

If you are really a writer, you will have done something like this already or you will eventually, i.e. you've done it already/you will do it eventually/you'll do it tomorrow/would have done it already but are just too busy writing/etc.

If you think I am wasting your time, then maybe you should stick to acting, unless you are just a 'natural writer' and a guy like you just doesn't need to do the hard yards? That maybe the case?

Maybe I am an idiot and know nothing, I dunno, who knows anything?

Answers on a postcard?

P.S. Another tip, between the dialogue you have written, describe in writing for yourself what you want the 'actors' to be doing. They do need to be doing something unless this is a radio script, in which case they just need to be breathing...

...oh yes, and talking when required.

PPS. I once wrote out the script to my favourite episode of 'Open All Hours' which is 'Horse Trading' and then mapped my own sitcom into the same structure. Then when some arse said I had the structure all wrong, I told him to go tell Roy Clarke...

HAVE A GREAT DAY AND HAPPY WRITING!!! (I am shouting now, but it is a joyful shout)

Thanks mate,
Really good ideas mate.
This forum has been great for me.
Cheers everyone
Rob

Quote: Robriv @ 2nd March 2018, 4:51 PM

Thanks mate,
Really good ideas mate.
This forum has been great for me.
Cheers everyone
Rob

View original

This forum is great, there are some lovely people here (not me, obviously..) but I have been on here 10 years and I know a lot of them and some of them are quite accomplished writers. I won't say who except that none of them are me. Keep going, mucker!!