Quote: BTF @ 1st March 2018, 6:58 PM

Here we all are again. I thought that the last one was not newsjacky (whatever newsjacky is) but it did make me laugh.

It didn't seem Newsjacky to me (I still don't quite know what I mean by this) but the surprise element of it made me laugh.

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I know exactly what you mean. It's much more my sense of humour but maybe too wordy, layered and subplotified for Newsjack. The classic double drum and cymbal gags don't always come naturally to me.

....read some top gags so far. Well done everyone! Look forward to reading more. It is a genuine tonic.

Quote: Danno @ 1st March 2018, 6:50 PM

The government has banned wild animals from performing in travelling circuses. Leonardo the lion tamer has so far received mixed reviews about his 'all new' thrusty chair routine.

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This one was a great gag Danno that I can just hear Miles Jupp doing on Newsquiz.

Quote: FavouriteMonkey @ 1st March 2018, 8:20 PM

Hello again buddies, here's my gold for the scrapheap:
1. Despite conservation efforts, voles remain one of Britain's fastest declining mammals, second only to babies named Harvey.
2. Bitterly cold weather and snow sweeping in from Siberia causes mass disruption to work as Britons are unable to talk about anything else.
3. News that 'Millennials are on course to be fattest generation' is set to put a strain on the NHS as well as their belts.

4. Number 1: Former rank of F1 driver, Daniel Ricciardo, who crashed in pre-season training.
Number 2: What he did just before hitting the barriers.
5. 250 tonnes: The amount of cocaine allegedly smuggled by Ecuadorian Prado Alava.
1: The number of entries Prado has in the Guiness Book of Records; for 'world's largest sphincter'.
6. £32,000: The predicted cost, on average, to finance a wedding in 2028.
£32,000: The predicted rise, on average, in taxes, to finance two royal weddings in 2018.

Also, thanks for feedback Dantrobus on last weeks, I was never happy with the wording on that one and your way makes more sense.

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I like the F1 one. It appeals to my toilet humour. A suggestion - I was thinking that you don't need 'pre-season' maybe?

Here are mine that didn't make it this week. I've left out two number crunchers that didn't even make it into my top 3.

ONELINERS
1. Tesco has been criticised for calling a costume from the film The Black Panther, "The Dark Panther" despite the record breaking box office sales. Other costumes on offer at Tesco are Snow Off-White, Slightly Dozy Beauty and The Better Than Average Hulk. They are currently out of stock of The Shortish Mermaid.

2. One Council in Scotland has been filling in potholes with breakfast cereal to highlight that the Government aren't giving them enough money for the job. A Government spokesperson has accused the council of snap, crackle and popping under pressure.

3. A study has shown that children are losing the ability to hold pens and pencils as a result of too much use of flat screen technology. Parents have been told they really need to get a grip on the situation.

NUMBER CRUNCHING
18 companies have severed ties with the National Rifle Association

2 companies have severed ties with the Nile Rodgers Appreciation Society just to be on the safe side.

I enjoyed that Tesco one.

Here are mine. I'm gonna put up my two sketches in a separate post so as not to clog this up with a wall of text.

ONELINERS
BREAKING NEWS:
1. Millennials are set to be the fattest generation in history. It's no surprise really. Even their haircuts reflect their lifestyle, you've got the 'meet me at McDonalds', the 'sit on my mum's couch all day eating cereal' and the one I think of most when I think of millennials: the 'spoiled lazy bastard'.
2. Freezing weather in the UK is being attributed to cold Siberian air. Bloody Russians just can't seem to help themselves from meddling with everything these days.
3. Steve Jobs failed resume is expected to cost around £50,000 at auction. That will make it his second most expensive mistake, right after trying to cure cancer with homeopathy.

NUMBER CRUNCHERS:
This week we have a special Number Cruncher straight from China Radio International.
Infinite: The number of years Xi Jinping is now allowed to stay in office.
Infinite: The amount of power he will now attain in our country.
Infinite: President Xi's wisdom.
Infinite: President Xi's greatness.
Infinite: The happiness of Chinese citizens.
Infinite: Our love for our benevolent ruler.

One liner:
Police are investigating after 100 kilos of chicken portions was dumped on
a roadside in Devon. The case is being handled by the Frying Squad.

http://metro.co.uk/2018/02/26/man-finds-100kg-of-kfc-dumped-on- roadside-during-national-chicken-crisis-7339723/

These are my number crunchers from this week. One of them was a near-miss:

£22.1bn - the amount media giant Comcast has bid to buy Sky.
£43.2bn - the amount they'd need to pay if they also want the movie channels.

£28.2 million - the amount in funding the UK spent to win 5 medals at the winter Olympics.
3 - the number of those medals that basically involve just throwing yourself off the top of a mountain on a tea-tray.

Hi all, some lovely stuff on here again. Highlights for me:

@lolcov: Nile Rodgers was a great punchline, good surprise.
@Wheelbarrow: SKY movies was lovely.
@Sheepstar: downhill Team GB was great.
@BTF: dig many graves: loved it.

My failed funnies include a couple covered by other writers on the show, so a lesson in trying to spot headlines that might be off most people's radar......

1.UK has been hit by a global shortage of raisins and sultanas. This is the currant situation.

2. UK expects cold weather front, called the beast from the east. Same nickname as my ex girlfriend from Skegness.

3. An American report found how fertility rates might help predict economic recessions. Parents agreed, confirming that babies do indeed produce a surprising amount of gross domestic product, it's just a bit smelly and a strange colour.

4. 15million: Number of book tokens given free to children on World Book Day. 15million: the number of parents who have to find a Where's Wally? costume for World Book Day at a day's bloody notice, and didn't we do this already last year, and Where's Wally isn't a proper reading book anyway.....

This week's sketches: Teresa May v Stormzy was excellent, really good idea, really well written. I wasn't a fan of the "Daily Mail likes Corbyn sketch" didn't ring true to have the journalists as coarse Landahners.

This is technically not a reject seeing as I didn't send anything this week but this was the one joke I could come up with:

Researchers have found that anxiety can help people to remember things more easily. In other news, Britain's collective memory has reached record levels since June 2016.

Quote: Patrick Robinson @ 2nd March 2018, 11:26 AM

Hi all, some lovely stuff on here again. Highlights for me:

@lolcov: Nile Rodgers was a great punchline, good surprise.
@Wheelbarrow: SKY movies was lovely.
@Sheepstar: downhill Team GB was great.
@BTF: dig many graves: loved it.

My failed funnies include a couple covered by other writers on the show, so a lesson in trying to spot headlines that might be off most people's radar......

1.UK has been hit by a global shortage of raisins and sultanas. This is the currant situation.

2. UK expects cold weather front, called the beast from the east. Same nickname as my ex girlfriend from Skegness.

3. An American report found how fertility rates might help predict economic recessions. Parents agreed, confirming that babies do indeed produce a surprising amount of gross domestic product, it's just a bit smelly and a strange colour.

4. 15million: Number of book tokens given free to children on World Book Day. 15million: the number of parents who have to find a Where's Wally? costume for World Book Day at a day's bloody notice, and didn't we do this already last year, and Where's Wally isn't a proper reading book anyway.....

This week's sketches: Teresa May v Stormzy was excellent, really good idea, really well written. I wasn't a fan of the "Daily Mail likes Corbyn sketch" didn't ring true to have the journalists as coarse Landahners.

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Thanks for your comments.
I liked the currant one. There was one on the show like that so you must be in the right NJ mindset!
Love the kfc one - interestingly it came to an end with no real punchline.

Quote: Wheelbarrow @ 2nd March 2018, 8:48 AM

These are my number crunchers from this week. One of them was a near-miss:

£22.1bn - the amount media giant Comcast has bid to buy Sky.
£43.2bn - the amount they'd need to pay if they also want the movie channels.

£28.2 million - the amount in funding the UK spent to win 5 medals at the winter Olympics.
3 - the number of those medals that basically involve just throwing yourself off the top of a mountain on a tea-tray.

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I was at the show. It was the Comcast one. A cruel cut as the audience loved it and it is clever!

I too like the Comcast one a lot. So much so I even had a similar version I submitted:

22.1 billion - the amount in pounds that US cable TV giant Comcast has bid for Sky
32.1 billion - the amount in pounds Comcast will have to pay if they want the HD channels and Sky Cinema as well

Yours was more succinctly worded and shame you missed out!

Not great form this week, hanging on to the bitter end to fulfil my vital role of making up the numbers.

Scientists have stumbled across a rare colony of penguins after noticing patches of their poo from outer space - which was a real bugger to clean off the windows.

Sir Elton John has stormed off stage mid-song after a 'handsy' fan tried touching his piano. The fan admits to inappropriate behaviour but denies taking a 'tinkle on the ivories'.

150 million: The amount in euros needed to stop the crumbling gargoyles falling from the Notre-Dame Cathedral.
50 million: The size of Quasimodo's compensation claim.

13 million: The number of people recorded on the world's largest family tree.
30: The number of times Brenda Bailey from Barnet has ignored Facebook friend requests from Brendetta Bailey of Albuquerque.

I like the Elton John one best out of those Danno. That sounds like a Newsjacky one to me.

Here are my rejects. I always keep two number crunchers back after deciding I don't like them.

1. The oldest tattoos in the world have been discovered on two 5,000 year old Mummies. The Inks were apparently a mistake after the pair got drunk on their Gap year in Phuket.

2. A new study has found that people who watch porn more than once a week are more likely to hold stronger religious beliefs. The research findings have been rejected as being "pure fantasy" by His Holiness, Pope Francis, The Chief Rabbi and the Arch Bishop of Canterbury.

3. The Oscars Ceremony took place on Sunday night and audiences around the globe were reminded of the dreadful mistake of last year when the wrong winner was announced...during their presidential election.

NUMBER CRUNCHERS
1. 7: The number of South Korean diplomats invited to dinner with Kim Jong Un
7: The number of guests who took home a doggy bag.

I l liked the first of yours Lolcov - I found it funny. I think the Elton J one is the most Newsjacky Danno.
I recognise the distinctive Danno style in the humour of the last one definitely!

1). A Greggs driver, snowed-in on the A1, gave cakes and pastries to stranded motorists, as advice came from police to stay safe and battenberg the hatches.
2). A live rat was found in a package of plums in Aldi, giving new meaning to the phrase 'The Rat Pack'.
3). Women at an immigration centre are refusing food to make a protest, but the Home Office denies a hunger strike - when asked to define 'hunger strike' officials said it's 'refusing food to make a protest'.
Number-crunchers
• 1 - the snake found in a child's lunchbox in Australia.
• 2 - the snacks it was packed with (a cheese cob-ra and a slice of apple pie-thon).

• 1.5 million - the number of penguins discovered on a remote Antarctic island.
• 150 - the calls to McVitie's by Sainsburys to locate biscuit deliveries lost in snow.

• 5 - the syllables in triamcinolone, the drug which Bradley Wiggins took
• 1 - the number of syllables that are in the word 'cheat'.