INT - Bedroom - Day 10:40am
On the bed is LIAM, slightly overweight, mid 20s, asleep in a harshly sunlit room strewn across the bed width ways. He is topless but still wearing his white underwear, jeans around his ankles, one shoe on one foot and nothing on the other. He has dried and crusted white sauce in his matted chest hair.
A black and white cat walks across the room floor and jumps up onto the bed. The cat begins to lick the sauce from his chest.
LIAM stirs from his sleep and casually brushes away the cat.
The cat continues to lick LIAM's chest.
A landline phone rings from another room.
LIAM opens his eyes with a shot and jolts upright. He runs from the room closing the door behind him and quickly moves to the kitchen.
INT - Kitchen - Day 10:45am
He follows the sound of ringing erratically searching under the rubbish on the bench top for the house phone. He knocks over a can of lager which spills onto the counter and runs off onto his jeans which are now half way up his legs at his knees.
LIAM
AHHH! you bitch!
(answers the phone)
Hello.
(into the phone)
No Mam, I know that's today. It's not for like 3 hours, it's not even eleven o'clock yet.
(beat) No, I'm not still in bed! Why can't you just ring me on my mobile like a normal person ... What? (pause) no they don't give you cancer. You started smoking at fourteen I'm pretty sure your pay as you go isn't going to be the thing that takes you.
(pauses)
No, sorry. I'm not, I've just got a shock off the cat.
(pauses)
I know I don't have a cat, Mam.
(pauses)
well I don't know, do I? Look, can I ring you back I need to get ready and tell Dad thanks but I will just jump on the bus.
(pauses)
yes.
(pauses)
yes.
(pauses)
yes.
(pauses)
Shreddies.
(pauses)
yeah bye.
He hangs up and puts the phone down on the bench. He creeps towards the bedroom and stops to listen with his ear up to the door. Cautiously he opens the door and peers around.
The cat is eating from a discarded takeaway box of last night's kebab.
INT - bathroom - Day 10:50am
Liam peels off his wet jeans and underwear and opens the laundry basket to put them in. he looks at the item on top of the pile of dirty washing and pulls out a black roll neck jumper.
LIAM
Right. Ok. Perfect! This will work.
He then rifles through the washing basket in search of trousers.
LIAM
How can there be nothing but shorts?
He looks down at his legs clearly worried about them and scans the room.
INT - Kitchen - Day 10:55am
Liam is stood in front of the cooker with a bath towel tied around his waist. He picks up a tea towel and ties it around his head like a bandana. He then unrolls the neck of his jumper covering the entirety of his face to leave only a thin slit for his eyes to see out of. He picks up some oven gloves hanging beside the cooker and puts them on.
INT - bedroom - Day 11:00am
Liam slowly creeps around the bedroom door and approaches the placid cat that is still picking at the meat in the tray.
LIAM
Hello girl. you're a good boy aren't you? Yes you are.
He approaches the cat from behind and picks it up. holding it out in front and as far away from his body as possible. Liam walks slowly down the corridor and to the back door of his ground floor flat, opening it with his elbow. He crosses the yard and out of a broken gate which leads into a back lane. He walks into the middle of the street and places the cat down, backing away slowly and hunched over low to the ground for a few steps then stands up straight. He turns around to face his gate. A lady dressed in a burka, pushing a pram, turns into the lane.
LIAM
Afternoon!
(deliberately emphasising his head nod)
The woman looks him up and down disapprovingly.

LIAM
Oh! it's not my cat.
He turns, enters the yard and closes the gate behind him.
INT - Kitchen - Day 11:15am
Liam checks the time on his phone (11:10am) and begins half heartedly tidying the kitchen. picking up empty crisp packets and cigarette papers from his kitchen top (Shaking his head disapprovingly). He picks up a pile of empty lager cans and walks over to the bin pressing the pedal down with his foot and dropping them in. He walks over to the small table in the corner and looks at the items on the table, a full ash tray and 2 unopened cans of lager. He picks them up and puts them in the fridge. He looks at the calendar on the fridge as it closes. It has days crossed out, he picks up the pen stuck to the fridge and crosses off the previous day and looks at the present day (Thursday 2pm: Teaching Agency interview) He puffs out his cheeks.
His mobile phone rings. He picks it up from the counter and reads the call out loud. 'HENDA' wants to Face time with you. He answers the call and holds it up in front of his face.
HENDA, an overweight lad, mid 20s, is sat in a transit van wearing a high-vis jacket and a white hard hat.
HENDA
Ba Ba Ba Bopa! (sang to the tune of nothing recognisable) areet lad, how's the head?
LIAM
Mate, what the hell happened last night?
HENDA
haha, you were off ya chops is what. Nice jumper by the way.
LIAM
Seriously what did you do? The flat's a total mess! I woke up with a cat in my bed and my back gate is hanging off its hinges!
HENDA
Aright Terrence Trent D'arby chill out! It's nothing to do with me. If your cat (gestures at inverted commas with his free hand) was particularly rough last night I suggest you Sudocrem your back gate (gestures again) and move on.
LIAM
Shut up! Where did we end up?
HENDA
Well we had a few in yours. Then we went out for a few quiet ones.
LIAM
Quiet! I've just managed to get up.
HENDA
Soft arse! I've been on site since 6.
HENDA
(background shouting)bollucks! I better get back mate the gaffa is looking for me.
LIAM
Hold on ... who's (Call ends) cat ...
He puts the phone down and looks at the clock on his cooker (11:45am) and then Smells his armpits (winces).
LIAM
I need to get a move on here.
INT - bathroom - Day12:30am
Liam wipes the condensation from a mirror with his hand to reveal himself, dressed in a smart white shirt and a black tie, brushing his teeth. HE bends over and spits into the sink. he comes up and has a splash of white toothpaste on his tie.
LIAM
Bitch!
He dabs at the stain with the corner of a wetted towel.

INT - flat entrance - Day 1:00pm
Liam looks in the mirror and fixes his hair one last time. He is now wearing a black jumper over his white shirt, a thin rain coat and a bag across his shoulder.
EXT - flat entrance - Day 1:00pm
He backs out of the door, with his house keys in his hand and almost stands on a small dog on a lead.
LIAM
Sorry Betty! I wasn't looking. Sorry!
An elderly, kind looking woman, in a heavy coat, knitted hat and thick gloves. fumbles with a lead.
BETTY
Ahh, its fine. Neither was she.
LIAM
I've lived upstairs from you for 2 years and I never knew you had a dog, Betty.
BETTY
Aye, I don't take her out often though She's blind you see. I should be more careful, maybe it's time I shortened her lead again.
She holds up a retractable dog lead with the button secured down by an excessive amount of electricians tape.
LIAM
She is fairly cute though. Bless her!
Liam reaches down to stroke the dog. The dog snarls at him and snaps its teeth toward his hand. Liam jerks back and cowers slightly.
LIAM
Jesus!

BETTY
Ah Ahhh! you should never come between a dog and their bowl of feed, Liam.
LIAM
But she's not eating.
BETTY
Wey she doesn't know that, does she?
Anyway, how's the head today? You look surprisingly ok considering the state you stumbled down the back lane last night.
LIAM
(Wincing) Sorry, was I loud?
BETTY
Ahh don't worry about it. The back gate won't be as forgiven though I doubt. When our Tommy was alive he used to do the exact same thing. Every now and then he'd go down the ex serviceman's and roll in stinking of stout and covered in toast crumbs.
LIAM
Toast?
BETTY
Yeah. The chippy would do him toast when he had run out of money. They owed him as much. This little one (gestures to the dog) was theirs once, you see. But they wanted rid and our Tommy took her in. She kept drinking the old chip oil, she just loved the stuff.
LIAM
Chip oil! Do you think that's what made her go blind?
BETTY
Wey no! That's just old age. She was the model of health as a young pup. She'd run all day long and had a beautiful coat on her ... that probably was down to the chip oil though to be fair.
LIAM looks down at the old dog who is facing the wall.
LIAM
I promise I'll fix the gate as soon as I can Betty but I must be on my way.
BETTY
Aye, me too. You off somewhere posh?
LIAM
(looking down at his outfit) No, this is for an interview I have today with a supply teaching agency (looks at his watch) well in less than an hour.
BETTY
Where abouts?
LIAM
The high street.
BETTY
Wey if you hurry up there's a bus due in (looks at watch) 6 minutes.
LIAM
Cheers Betty and sorry again for last night.
BETTY
Don't worry pet and there's no rush to fix the gate it's not like she's going to find her way out.
She gestures at the dog who is still facing the wall.
Liam walks off quickly.
BETTY
Say bye bye, J-Lo.(Tugging gently on the dog lead)

Nothing happens.
Way too much detail on the action (more like a novel)
Dialogue is just chit chat - it doesn't move any story forward.

Messy flat/hangover is pretty much a stock opening and should be avoided.

Cheers lads! Appreciate I think I'm getting hung up on trying to bury the gag. Too much focus on the punchline and not enough on the build up. Would you advise to pay more dues to the gags or to the 'where it's going' (moving it all along) as Stephen points out?

taking on board what you have said about the dialogue and the opening. How does this stack up in comparison. Better. Worse. Same issues?

Again, cheers for taking the time.

Sorry if it's repeating ... glitching here!

As the others said. The most important thing in a sitcom is the plot - the jokes come later. Everything must serve to drive the action forward.

So I've played around with it a bit. Still a draft but I've tried something new. Hopefully the plot is more apparent. What do people think of the character? Is it more obvious as to the direction? Are the dialogue issues still there? As always feedback appreciated.

Supply and Demand
Ep 1 - Gumption
by
Liam Robson

1 EXT - LIAM'S HOUSE (YARD) - DAY 1
LIAM, 30 something, slightly overweight, and his best friend (HENDY) are in the back yard of a terraced house. HENDY, 30 something, clad in typical labourer attire.

LIAM
Are you sure your ok to drop me in town?
HENDY
No worries, mate. What time is the interview again?
LIAM
2 o'clock.
HENDY
Best get a shift on here then. Pass me that Phillips.
Liam picks up a mobile phone resting on top of the tool box.
LIAM
It's actually a Nokia.
I thought you had an iPhone?
Examining the phone.
HENDY
What?! that's me works phone man! The screwdriver. The Phillips screwdriver?
Points at screwdriver.
LIAM
Oh. I didn't realise they made tools too.
HENDY
Jesus! How do they let you teach kids?!
HENDY works the screws on the hinges of the gate.
LIAM
Those who can, mate. Those who can.
LIAM examines the gate over HENDY's shoulder.
It's going to be as good as new for her.

HENDY
So, she's still not been in touch then?
LIAM
No. She said she was giving me some time to 'work on me'.
HENDY
Eh? What does that even mean?
LIAM
Well I made a list of all the things she said.
HENDY
Yeah I seen the vlog. I can't believe your still doing that.
LIAM
Hey, it's doing well. As you know I don't usually focus on relationships. I'm more of a 'foodie' but I got six new followers last week after that went up and then another three for my review of the best kebab on the high street.
HENDY
You can't beat Gino's.
LIAM
They were second, behind ...
HENDY
(jump's in)
Pizza Cottage!
LIAM
(Nodding)
Pizza Cottage.
HENDY
I forgot about Pizza Cottage. A good amount of red cabbage in their side salad.

LIAM
Not too much, not too little. It's all about the ratio.
HENDY
There we go. Job done!
Demonstrates gate being opened and closed.
HENDY
So what else is on this list?

INT - Spare room/Office - Day
LIAM crosses off 'fix gate' and reveals the list.
HENDY reads list aloud.
HENDY
Fix gate, self centred, delusional, insensitive, lack of gumption.
You're gonna need to talk me through these. What the very f**k is 'gumption'?
LIAM
Yeah, I had to Google that. Apparently, it means that I don't have ambition. No drive. I'm not going anywhere.
HENDY
Well you haven't had a real job in about 5 years.
LIAM
I was on the supply lists.
HENDY
Yeah but you only ever worked 3 days a week.
LIAM
That's because I had the night class. Learning how to edit the videos for the vlog.
Hendy stares at him blankly.
LIAM CONT.
Look, all the big names Zoella, Jenna Marbles, The Vlog Brothers. What do they all have in common?
HENDY
I don't know who they are. They're loners. They don't get out much. They are asthmatic. They ...
LIAM
(interrupts)
They all post professional videos. Not to mention they're all millionaires.
HENDY looks at LIAM, shrugs and moves swiftly on and back to reading the list.
HENDY
Delusional. Check.
'fix the gate'.
'Fix the gate' seems a bit specific.
LIAM
She said lazy but I read between the lines and I fixed the gate.
HENDY
Well I did?
LIAM
but, I had the (points at list) 'gumption' to ask you to (points at list) 'fix the gate'. I could probably get away with crossing both off to be fair.
HENDY
So what's the plan then?
LIAM
Work through the list. Prove to her she's wrong. Win her back.
HENDY
And this interview today where does that fit in?
LIAM
Well, she'd been on at me for a few weeks to ring this school back. They want me to come in for an interview but here's the best bit. The school, is a special school.
HENDY
What makes it special? Do they dance like that one off the tele.
LIAM
What?! No. It's for special needs kids.
HENDY
So on the list that's ...
LIAM
Teacher for kids with special needs?! I'll be the most sensitive man on the planet.
The gate is clearly no longer an issue.
Surely, I'll be able to work the old Robson charm there. Get some steady work coming in therefore showing
Points at HENDY to prompt him.
HENDY
'Gumption'.
LIAM
Then when I have all that in place I ask Melissa to meet me at her favourite restaurant. Bring a bunch of flowers. Make the night all about her. Does that sound like a self centred person? No.
HENDY
Job done! What is her favourite restaurant?

LIAM
The Italia. Upstairs from the taxi rank office.
Ahh but I gave them a bad review on that Spaghetti Carbonara, I'll just book 'Parma Stan's' I'm sure she likes it in there and he's never that busy.
HENDY
They do half and half too don't they?
LIAM
only before seven.
HENDY looks at LIAM and nods in recollection.
LIAM CONT.
I can't get away with the early menu and be sensitive. Can I? (pauses) No!

HENDY
Anyway, howay or you're going to be late and I've got a job to price up.

That's a lot better, Liam. You got rid of the corny waking up with a hangover, a good start.
It's still too long, you should cut some of the dialogue. The Phillips/Nokia exchange should go, it's not funny and doesn't do anything. Although you've written it as two scenes, it's really only one, so keep it all in the yard.

Cheers Andrew.
I will get my mind around the fact that everything must feed into the plot directly. I'll go again.

Good man! Every line should either develop the plot, build the character, be a joke or set up a joke. Hopefully all those things in one sentence!