Slitcan 17 - 25.10.17

Cule has-beans so c**tgratulations to CRINDY and OTTERFOX for winkin'. Your prize is to PM me with a subject for next wank apiss pleased.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
2 -10 - Otterfox
1 - 5 - Crindy

Your next topic is TOPICAL.
Rules: One entry / vote per human being. Anywank can enter regardless of sexual preference, inside ball measurement or humidity of gums, except Matt Cardle because he has kissed my favourite Spice Girl Mel C.
Can be a sketch, one-liner, song, whatever the f**k you like, as long as 'tis humourous and in some way linked to the topic.
Edit as much as you wank till it closes, i.e. 25.10.17.

Scorebored is now:
35 - Crindy
20 - Gappy, Otterfox
10 - Zepp, Patrick

Although the devil on my left shoulder is telling me to keep quiet and hope nobody else notices, I feel I should point out that Otterfox won the last comp 3-1. :)

In the words of Danté, cheers mate.

NOTHING COMPARES TO GOO

by Sinead's Soaked On Her

I jizz semen hard and fist for pay
Since you f**ked off, f**king gay
I blow, spout, even bite and seep all day
Since you f**ked off, you f**king gay
Since you pissed off I can shag whoever still wanks
I can skeet whenever I've boozed
I can bonk some slapper, wax ass, fidlle, screw, scrog, scromp
But nothing
I said nothing can bake and spray my spew
'Cause nothing compares
Nothing compares to goo

I've been smoo bonin' without your smear
Like a turd without a bum
No tart can spurt my boner tears, for f**k's sake
Smell me baby gravy, tug my dong
I butt f**k my mam, and pound every toy with glee
Butt f**ked boners remind me your goo
I wanked off my doctor and guess what he told me
When he sucked my toad off?
He said curly pubes are dry, poon's more fun
No fatter whose your tool, but my dick drools
'Cause nothing compares
Nothing compares to goo

All the chowder that I planted up ma
In her back door
All slimed when I went all gay
I blowed, spat jism, went all the way, wow you were hard
But my wille's too glib so fubb me dry
'Cause nothing compares
Nothing compares to goo
Nothing compares
Nothing compares to goo
Nothing compares

CRAIG: Evening, everyone. What are you all drinking?

NEIL: It's fine, we just got one.

CRAIG: Don't care, have another. I'm flush, in the mon-ayyy.

SALLY: How come?

CRAIG: Well, I'm not yet, but I will be soon. I have just cracked the secret of topical comedy, and you can expect a fat Newsjack cheque every week from hereon.

SALLY: How did you find that, then?

CRAIG: Oh, just a little thing called Um Bongo. I've been drinking Um Bongo like it's going out of fashion.

NEIL: It has definitely gone out of fashion.

SALLY: And how's that helped?

CRAIG: Um Bongo! The totally topical taste! One sip of that sweet, sweet fruit liquor and it's satirical barbs from here to Tuesday. I tell you, if I had a glug of the Bongo now I'd let slip the perfect example of current affairs comedy!

NEIL: Go on, then.

CRAIG: Alrighty. [SLURP! THEN IN TYPICAL PRESENTER DELIVERY VOICE] Members of the labour cabinet today met a class of 5 year olds. "Their natural idealism and naïve lack of experience is quite charming"....said the five year olds!

SALLY: That was painfully unfunny.

CRAIG: [BEAT] The perfect example of current affairs comedy!

SALLY: Fair point.

CRAIG: And with this new found power...kerching! Totally topical.

NEIL: It's tropical. The totally tropical taste.

CRAIG: Is it?

SALLY: And it's Lilt.

CRAIG: The topical taste is Lilt?

NEIL: The TROPical taste is Lilt.

CRAIG: So, what's Um Bongo?

NEIL: Um Bongo? They drink it in the jungle.

SALLY: The Congo. They drink it in the Congo.

NEIL: The Congo has a jungle.

SALLY: But it isn't all jungle.

NEIL: Well, alright, but-

SALLY: And there are two Congos now, anyway.

NEIL: Alright! I think we're straying from the point, which is: Um Bongo will not make you a satirical razor.

CRAIG: Oh, yeah? We'll see about that. [SLURP!] The League of Nations? What's *that* about? [BEAT, DESPONDENT] Oh.

NEIL: Never mind. Newsjack's finished anyway.

CRAIG: Balls. Ah well, I'll buy you those drinks anyway. What do you fancy, Sally?

SALLY: Just a Fosters.

CRAIG: Neil?

NEIL: I'd better have a Kia-Ora, otherwise I'll *never* pass that pilot's test tomorrow.

INSIDE A PLUSH SUITE IN A TOP HOLLYWOOD HOTEL. HARVEY WEINSTEIN IS SITTING AT A DESK LOOKING AT PHOTO'S OF SCANTILLY CLAD ACTRESSES. HE IS WEARING JUST A THICK LUXURIOUS BATHROBE. THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.

WEINSTEIN: Come in!

A YOUNG MALE INTERN ENTERS FOLLOWED BY AN ATTRACTIVE YOUNG ACTRESS IN A REVEALING DRESS.

INTERN: Miss Turner is here Mr Weinstein.

WEINSTEIN: Excellent, please come in Miss Turner.

MISS TURNER: Oh am I early? Shall I come back?

WEINSTEIN: No no I'm just running a little late. I've been looking forward to meeting you. I've heard great things about you.

MISS TURNER: Really that's very flattering.

WEINSTEIN: (TO INTERN) Don't you have to be somewhere?

INTERN: Er...

WEINSTEIN: You have to go do that thing, remember we discussed this?

INTERN: Oh yes, of course I have to go get the err..

WEINSTEIN: Now.

INTERN: OK, it was nice to meet you Miss turner. Can I get either of you anything before I go? A coffee?

WEINSTEIN: Go!

THE INTERN LEAVES.

MISS TURNER: He's so sweet.

WEINSTEIN: He's so fired.

MISS TURNER: (Looking around) What a great suite!

WEINSTEIN: Just one of the perks of being me.

MISS TURNER: My agent was supposed to be here, has she arrived yet?

WEINSTEIN: No, she had to take another meeting at short notice, she told me to pass on her apologies.

MISS TURNER: What about the director is he coming?

WEINSTEIN: Err, no he had to go scout some locations.

MISS TURNER: Your brother? Or any of the other producers?

WEINSTEIN: All out of town I'm afraid.

MISS TURNER: Oh dear, well I guess we should re schedule.

WEINSTEIN: No, there's no need for that. I'm sure we can work something out between us.

MISS TURNER: I was really hoping to impress the director, i am just so keen to land the part. I know it would be just perfect for me.

WEINSTEIN: Well if you are that interested in the part it's me you need to impress you know. I carry all the power around here. One word from me can make or break a girls career.

MISS TURNER: I don't understand.

WEINSTEIN: Look it's very simple you give me what I want and I give you what you want.

MISS TURNER: Do you mean sex?

WEINSTEIN: It's a simple exchange. You're a very attractive woman and if you give me what I want then the part is yours. It's easy, just close your eyes and think of your future.

MISS TURNER: I think I had better go.

WEINSTEIN: I would think long and hard before you leave Miss Turner. If you don't do exactly as I say then I'm afraid your little career will be over before it has started. You might as well get back on that Greyhound to the nowheresville you came from. You see it's men just like me who run this business, run this town, run the damn world. Do you understand?

MISS TURNER: How do I know I can trust you? How do I know if I do what you ask you will give me the part?

WEINSTEIN: Because you are not the first my dear, I have been doing this for a very long time. Most of the leading ladies in Hollywood have passed through my hands...literally. So if you want a job in the business I suggest you come over here and say hello to little Harvey...(HE LETS HIS ROBE FALL OPEN).

MISS TURNER: (STARES AT HIM FOR A MOMENT) No thanks, I've already got a job. See this lovely little broach here (SHE POINTS TO A BROACH ON HER DRESS) if you look carefully you will see a tiny little camera in the middle of it.

WEINSTEIN: Oh God, you're a policewoman aren't you? Is this is a sting. Look I have not been well, I have demons...

MISS TURNER: No Mr Weinstein I'm not a policewoman, I'm an actress. Or to be more accurate a pre op transgender actress. One who has in fact been hired by several of the leading ladies you referred to earlier who are watching now on a live feed. You can give them a little wave if you want.

WEINSTEIN: What?!

MISS TURNER: Now as you said this is a simple exchange. Unless you want the film of our little chat including your confession posting all over the internet I suggest you put little Harvey away (LIFTING HER SKIRT) and meet Mr Turner. Now Harvey the ladies would like to watch you come over here kneel down and swallow your pride. And remember It's easy, just close your eyes and think of your past.

EXT. FOREST - NIGHT

BEAR GRYLLS stands over an improvised bed made out of tree stumps, bark and leaves.

BEAR
(out of breath for some reason)
So, that's gonna make a pretty decent home for the night, before I get on with the serious job of...surviving tomorrow. But for now, I've got my bed. I've got my dinner...

He points to a half-cooked snake carcass on a fire.

BEAR (Cont'd)
I'm all set.
(pause, then to cameraman)
Ok, we're done?

BEAR(V.O)
But little did I know, things were about to get a lot more complicated...

SMASH CUT TO:

INT. EXPENSIVE RESTAURANT, NEARBY TOWN - NIGHT

Bear sits at a table, a WAITER approaches.

WAITER
I'm sorry sir, the chef informs me that we're out of the filet mignon.

BEAR
(turning to camera)
Ok, things are getting tough now, I've found myself in a pretty dangerous place here. But if you ever find yourself stuck like this, you just need to keep a calm head...
(to Waiter)
Do you know who I am? Can I speak to the manager?

SMASH CUT TO:

INT. EXPENSIVE RESTAURANT, NEARBY TOWN - LATER

Bear in discussions with the Manager, filmed at a Dutch angle for some reason.

BEAR
...Ok, fair enough, thank you.

The Manager nods and walks off.

BEAR (Cont'd)
(to camera)
Ok, so they genuinely don't have any more filet mignon, fair enough, but through my cunning and resourcefulness, I just got a discount on the rack of lamb and 50% off the total bill. Remember, always think about your surroundings.

A rack of lamb is placed in front of him by the Waiter. He tucks in, eagerly.

BEAR (V.O)
It was good to get a decent meal, but little did I know what was to follow...

INT. HOTEL ROOM - LATER

Bear sits in front of the minibar, on the hotel phone.

BEAR
(down phone)
But, I was promised premium whiskey. All you've got here is a couple of cheap scotches.
(pause)
Can I bring in alcohol from outside the hotel?
(pause)
No? Ok then.
(back to camera)
Hold on guys, things are about to get dangerous.

SMASH CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL - LATER

Bear walks up to the hotel, clutching a shopping bag, bottles clinking inside.

BEAR
Ok, this is serious now. I've got a couple of bottles of decent whiskey, but I know they're gonna be watching me in reception. So this is the sort of moment when you really need to dig deep and think outside the box.

Bear turns and shimmies up a drainpipe, back in through the window of his hotel room.

BEAR(V.O)
Somehow, even though the hotel room didn't have premium cable services, I made it through the night, only to then come face to face with my biggest challenge yet...

INT. AIRPORT, CHECK-IN DESK - DAY

Bear can be seen having an angry exchange with a check-in ASSISTANT.

BEAR
What do you mean no upgrades?! Do you know who I am?!

ASSISTANT
I'm sorry sir, but the flight is fully booked in all classes.

BEAR
(to camera)
So, I'm in a sticky situation here. A fourteen hour flight back to the UK so that I can get to a champagne reception at the Conservative party conference and appear on Jonathan Ross's talk show, and it looks like I'm stuck with business class! At times like this you've just got to dig deep and keep your eye out for any opportunity to survive.

SMASH CUT TO:

INT. PLANE, FIRST CLASS CABIN - LATER

Bear sneaks along the first class cabin and spies an empty seat, jumping into it and turning to the camera.

BEAR
Ok, perfect. Now if whoever's seat this is comes back, just make a huge fuss at the stewardesses and threaten to sue the airline. That usually works.

Bear smiles and reclines back in his seat, victoriously.

BEAR(V.O)
Finally, I was able to relax, my survival assured for another three carefully-edited series.

The plane suddenly starts to buck and shake, other PASSENGERS start to panic.

PILOT(V.O)
Ladies and gentleman, we need to make an emergency landing on a small island directly underneath us. Please brace for impact, and if there's anyone who knows about surviving, now's a good time to make yourself known.

BEAR
Oh, for fu--

THE END

Playfull:)

Crindy from Gappy - very close. And i am going to start a fund to get Michael some therapy or if we raise enough half an hour with Mel C.

Gappy.
My wife told me to stop talking about the Spice Girls. I said, Scary, baby... Things will never be the same again. But if that's what you want, what you really really want. Goodbye, my friend.
PS https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H1FBQlqo1DI

Quote: playfull @ 26th October 2017, 9:17 AM

And i am going to start a fund to get Michael some therapy or if we raise enough half an hour with Mel C.

Laughing out loud

Mel C gives me a raise anyway.

A close-run week, but gappy. :D