Why is my mother's G-spot so highly positioned? It's completely over my head.

I argued with my dad on who has a longer dick. I had it out with him.

Why is it that when people say 'Live each day like it's your last' you always wish it was their f**king last?
I couldn't ask Mel C to mail me her pubes. It'd be bush in the envelope.
What do you say to a cockney baker when she runs out of dildoes? Use your loaf.

When I was at the zoo's health review, I couldn;t believe none of the keepers mentioned the large residue of sleep dust blocking the eyes of the pachyderm, even though it was glaringly obvious. It was definitely the rheum in the elephant.

It was disorientating when Leslie Ash pissed in my mouth. I felt water out of a fish.

Mick Jagger fell over in a vegetable patch. He said, Thyme is on my side.

They cured my impotence. - Come again?

I never understood these hunters who go to africa to shoot lions, They say it's because it's a primal thing '' From dawn of time men have hunted animals". I asked one hunter once, Then why don't you go out and use a spear like they used to? He replied "I could get killed".

Three Irish man walk into a bar and couldn't stop laughing, Asked why? They said they couldn't believe that chicken crossed the road like that, Yeah I had a dog got hit like that crossing the road ' His name was Rex", Man that's sad " Yeah I named him after the T rex really shattered me. I just don't think he really saw it coming.

The thing about becoming alcoholic is you never realise it's happening to you. You're too pissed.

Porn actors won't work. Another f**king strike.

I do necrophiliac anal for money. Dead end job.

If I do a new version of a porno on post-anal pain, is it a ream-ache?

I just got a junk Email: 'Mike, I wanna sleep with you tonight.' Great. Well get a taxi over, bring some beer and afterwards you pay me.

I've written an article to warn people against social network addiction. You can find it on Facebook, Twitter, Skype, LinkedIn, LinkedInPlus, Googleplus, WhatsApp, Pinterest, Tumblr, Instagram, Googleplusplus, QQ, YY, Wechat, Qzone, Baidu Tieba, Viber, Vine, Line, vk.com, Xing, Youtube, Renren, Snapchat, Twoo, Meetup, Secret, Medium, MySpace, Reddit, Flickr, Sina Weibo, BBM, Kakaotalk and Telegram.

Muslims say after you die you get 72 virgins... Why would you wanna wake up in the audience at a One Direction concert?