1. Doctors have warned the public after several people were shot in the eyes with Nerf guns. An NHS spokesperson said, 'Don't shoot people in the eyes with Nerf guns. Morons.'
2. Boris Johnson has reiterated that he is very much behind Theresa May. Mostly because that's the best position for stabbing her in the back.
3. A beach has been closed after the public spotted a blubbery object on the sand which turned out to be a lethal man-of-war. How Kim Jong Un got there in the first place is anyone's guess.
NUMBER CRUNCHING
64,000: The number of people facing the sack from Toys 'R' Us.
1: The number of giraffes facing the sack from Toys 'R' Us.

2: The number of bites a man in Arizona received after trying to catch and barbeque a rattlesnake.
1: The number of important lessons a man in Arizona learned after trying to catch and barbeque a rattlesnake.

Any feedback welcome

Quote: Michael Hughes @ 21st September 2017, 9:33 PM

1. Doctors have warned the public after several people were shot in the eyes with Nerf guns. An NHS spokesperson said, 'Don't shoot people in the eyes with Nerf guns. Morons.'
2. Boris Johnson has reiterated that he is very much behind Theresa May. Mostly because that's the best position for stabbing her in the back.
3. A beach has been closed after the public spotted a blubbery object on the sand which turned out to be a lethal man-of-war. How Kim Jong Un got there in the first place is anyone's guess.
NUMBER CRUNCHING
64,000: The number of people facing the sack from Toys 'R' Us.
1: The number of giraffes facing the sack from Toys 'R' Us.

2: The number of bites a man in Arizona received after trying to catch and barbeque a rattlesnake.
1: The number of important lessons a man in Arizona learned after trying to catch and barbeque a rattlesnake.

Any feedback welcome

View original

Number one is really good. I like number two as well - I'll be amazed if they don't use a joke with that angle this week.

The Toys R Us line is good, too. I submitted a similar one about a John Lewis story a while back that got rejected:

800 - The number of John Lewis jobs set to be axed in a restructure.
1 - The number of trampolining dogs who'll now have to be put down.

Good work.

Quote: Michael Hughes @ 21st September 2017, 9:33 PM

1. Doctors have warned the public after several people were shot in the eyes with Nerf guns. An NHS spokesperson said, 'Don't shoot people in the eyes with Nerf guns. Morons.'
2. Boris Johnson has reiterated that he is very much behind Theresa May. Mostly because that's the best position for stabbing her in the back.
3. A beach has been closed after the public spotted a blubbery object on the sand which turned out to be a lethal man-of-war. How Kim Jong Un got there in the first place is anyone's guess.
NUMBER CRUNCHING
64,000: The number of people facing the sack from Toys 'R' Us.
1: The number of giraffes facing the sack from Toys 'R' Us.

2: The number of bites a man in Arizona received after trying to catch and barbeque a rattlesnake.
1: The number of important lessons a man in Arizona learned after trying to catch and barbeque a rattlesnake.

Any feedback welcome

View original

First two jokes are very good.

Probably biased but I think my Toys'R'Us joke is better than your, will post on here tomorrow so you can judge!

Rattlesnake one reminds me of this news item - "A rattlesnake handler has been bitten over 100 times. If you're bitten that often you're not really a handler, you're just a guy who picks up snakes"

Cheers!

I've been lurking a bit and thought it was about time I aired my dirty laundry, so here it goes...

Ep 2 Onesies...

Toys 'R' Us has filed for bankruptcy in the US and Canada sparking concern about job losses and the prospect of 'millions of Jefferies all under one roof'.

Toy makers, Hasbro, have asked players not to aim Nerf guns at the eyes or face after warnings from a London eye doctor. Their advice, for now, is to stick to firing at small pets and grandad's bollocks.

A German man had to be freed by firefighters after he got his genitals stuck in a 2.5Kg free weight. The crew used specialist cutting equipment to loosen the Helmut.

US researchers are one step closer to providing every childhood vaccine in a single jab...and maybe a right-cross and upper cut for more difficult appointments.

District police used pepper spray to break up a mass brawl at a Clarke County high school football game: fans in the cheap seats are demanding their 'quarter back'.

I'll settle for a smirk or a raised eye-brow. Thanks for reading.

Quote: Danno @ 21st September 2017, 10:32 PM

A German man had to be freed by firefighters after he got his genitals stuck in a 2.5Kg free weight. The crew used specialist cutting equipment to loosen the Helmut.

View original

Here is a sketch I wrote, which was recorded for episode 2, but was edited out before broadcast

BORIS VISITS THE PM

FX: KNOCK ON DOOR

FX: DOOR OPEN

TERESA MAY: Ah Boris.

BORIS JOHNSON: Ah-ha Madam Prime minister you asked to see me.

TERESA MAY: No, I didn't.

BORIS JOHNSON: No, you didn't. But I decided you needed to see me so I told everyone you wanted to see me. And now I'm here.

TERESA MAY: Well, you better come into my office then.

BORIS JOHNSON: Please, after you.

TERESA MAY: Thank you, bor--

BORIS JOHNSON: --ME FIRST!

FX: BORIS WRESTLING HIS WAY THOUGH THE DOOR.

TERESA MAY: Boris, Boris, stop that.

BORIS JOHNSON: AH-HA I WIN.

TERESA MAY: I thought you we're holding the door open for me.

BORIS JOHNSON: That's what I thought initially. Then I weighed up the options and thought. I could win this. BANG. I was right. Ya me.

TERESA MAY: Is this really the time for this? I'm a busy woman.

BORIS: I'm sorry, Prime Minister.

FX: PACKET RUSTLING

BORIS JOHNSON: Would you like a biscuit?

TERESA MAY: Oh, go on then.

FX: BORIS QUICKLY EATING ALL THE BISCUITS Á LA COOKIE MONSTER.

BORIS JOHNSON: Oh sorry, there seems to be none left. I WIN THE BISCUITS.

TERESA MAY: Look, I have a lot of meetings today. Will you please just take a seat and tell me what you want?

BORIS JOHNSON: Okay. Where are you sitting?

TERESA MAY: Where I always sit--

FX: BORIS RUNS AND JUMPS INTO A SEAT

BORIS JOHNSON: Not if I get there first. Who wins?

TERESA MAY: Who wins what?

BORIS JOHNSON: Who wins the chairs?

TERESA MAY: Is it you?

BORIS JOHNSON: I win the chairs!

TERESA MAY: (SIGH) Tell me, why did you ask yourself here?

BORIS JOHNSON: You wanted to talk to me Prime Minister.

TERESA MAY: That seems a little farfetched, but carry on, why did I want to talk to you?

BORIS JOHNSON: Because I want to be party leader.

TERESA MAY: I think that's a wonderful idea.

BORIS JOHNSON: You do?

TERESA MAY: I do.

BORIS JOHNSON: Well, I'm not going to do it. I don't care how much you beg. You must stay in power.

TERESA MAY: Really?

BORIS JOHNSON: Really! This country is heading towards disaster unless you remain as prime minister.

TERESA MAY: Boris?

BORIS JOHNSON: Yes, Prime Minister?

TERESA MAY: Stay right here.

BORIS JOHNSON: Ohh, is that the time? Must go.

FX: BORIS LEAVING

TERESA MAY: I win.

@TheKingLobotomy - Your sketch was funny enough and kept me reading to the end, but for me there was no pay-off because it ended in basically the same joke as had been repeated throughout the sketch. That's just my two cents. I can't even write a sketch, so feel free to ignore :-)

@Danno - loved your Toys 'R' Us joke.

Here are my rejected Onesies.
Any feedback gratefully received.

BREAKING NEWS:

1. Vince Cable is pushing for an 'Exit from Brexit' referendum. The official wording of the question has been proposed: "Do you not think that the UK shouldn't not be granted leave to stay in the EU... or not?"

2. 250 new words have been added to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary. Among them are the words 'Alt-right', 'bigly' and 'covfefe'

3. South African police have shot a cannibal as he ate his beheaded victim. When they asked him "why are you doing this?" he replied that he had "a lot on his plate right now."

@TKL...really funny, very much in the NJ style, I agree with Stobbart42 that you might have taken it to the next level with a 'killer' ending, but the opening exchanges are fab and the whole Boris caricature is great. As a reader, I was straight into it, I was grabbed (not in a Trump way) by the 'I decided you wanted to see me' premise.

@Stobbart42 No1 was my favourite, made me laugh out loud. I think you could set it up better though? Something like: Vince Cable has finally decided on the official wording for his exit from brexit referendum, voters will now be asked whether or not they think that the UK shouldn't not be granted leave to stay in the EU... or not?.....(maybe not the best example, but I tried to break out of the full stops to make it more inviting and flow into the punchline which I thought was on the money!).

Hope this is helpful
Danno

Quote: Mike X @ 21st September 2017, 10:30 PM

Probably biased but I think my Toys'R'Us joke is better

View original

There might have been a few of these, I failed with:

In business, Toys 'R' Us collapses, to the sound of 'Ker-plunk' .

@Danno - Thanks for your thoughts. I agree it could have been worded slightly better. I just posted it on Twitter and had to cut off a lot of fat to make it fit the character limit.

Regarding Toys R Us (this is not related to Newsjack but I'm sure no one minds), did you know that story broke on Talk Like A Pirate Day and both were trending on Twitter at the same time, so I posted this joke:

Toys R Us could solve their money woes with the help of pirates. By changing their name to 'Toys Us' and selling the 'R'

This weeks failures... seeking comments...

After living as a Martian for 8 months in a NASA experiment, astrobiologist Samuel Payler emerged at the press conference saying "bleep bleep whorp bup blup"

Cheating has been uncovered at Queen's Gate Girls School, after every student passed their French orals. Queen's Gate Boys school are looking forward to the resits.

French theatres have just introduced their first pre-performance advert. "A horse. A horse. My kingdom for a horse." Sponsored by "Bistro Cheval", directly opposite this theatre.

593 : The number of different bus routes travelled in 24 hours by an academic team.
593 : The number of train spotters who told them to get a life.

13,000 : The number of university freshers who're given wristbands with their name and address on, in they case get lost.
13,000 : The number of university freshers that may have cheated on their entrance exams.

2.9 billion : The cost of the Cassini space probe to Saturn.
29 : The number of non-scientists who had heard of the Cassini space probe before it crashed into Saturn.

My unsuccessful ones for this week...

BREAKING NEWS:

Lady Gaga has cancelled her latest tour due to a medical issue. She was on medication, but there was a mistake with the prescription. Her doctor blamed the pharmacist and said he "can't read my, can't read my, no he can't read my hand writing".

A man tried to sneak into the White House to have sex with the president late last night. He broke into a bedroom but it was empty and his plans came to nothing. Police say the president was asleep in the next room along and if he'd gone in there instead he would have definitely come up Trumps

NUMBER CRUNCHING

64000 - the number of Toys'R'Us jobs at risk due to management incompetence. 12 - the number of Toys'R'Us executives spending the rest of the day on the naughty step.

20 - the percentage of pupils leaving school with poor mathematical abilities. Which means that the percentage leaving with good mathematical abilities is, errr, carry the one, errr, has anyone got a calculator?

10 - the number of gaffes made by Boris Johnson this week. Number Ten - where he hopes to be next week.

1. Academics have uncovered thirty words previously lost from the English language. The discovery is said to be a 'wlonk' achievement that has 'awhaped' even the biggest 'Momist'. 

2. A replacement has been found for the recently resigned British Bobsleigh coach. A
second hand copy of Cool Runnings found in a branch of Shaw Trust is said to be the
obvious choice for the job.

3. Tesco have issued an urgent recall of packets of cookie and cream biscuits. A spokesperson for the supermarket said "Me love cookies! Send me all your cookies! Me need your cookies now!" (in the voice of Cookie Monster)

1 in 20 - The odds that climate change will wipe out humanity.

10 - The amount of pounds it's worth putting down as a cheeky bet on that. 

£1 - The amount an east London takeaway owner is charging people in school uniform for a burger and chips.

£6.37 - the amount I paid for a school uniform on eBay so I can partake in this incredible deal. Back off Jamie Oliver! Back off!

Here's a rejected sketch. Have at it.

ARE WE NEARLY OUT YET?

ANGELA: This week Boris Johnson has been accused of... well, a lot of
things, but in an interview with Andrew Marr, everybody's favourite Theresa
May stand in, Amber Rudd, said that Boris Johnson is not in control of
Brexit but more of a back seat driver. She made it clear that Theresa May is
the one driving the car and the rest of the cabinet is going to help her do
that. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't want 315 Tories helping me drive
my car. And come to think of it, there's only one car that would fit that many
people.

GRAMS: CIRCUS MUSIC

FX: CLOWN CAR PULLING UP, NOVELTY HORN, DOOR

CLATTERING TO THE FLOOR

AMBER: Hello, Prime Minister. I got the car.

THERESA: What car, that Amber?

AMBER: The Brexit Mobile. I said on TV that you were driving the Brexit 'car', so I
thought in case people misconstrued it and thought we were lying to them,
I'd better get us a car.

THERESA: And you didn't think a limo would be better?

AMBER: Oh, no. It had to fit the whole cabinet in, so we could help. And I thought 'What
fits an unfeasible amount of people inside?'. And then it hit me. Clown car.

FX NOVELTY HORN

THERESA: I mean, really. This is the best you could do? What about a bus?

AMBER: We've not really had much luck with buses.

THERESA: I suppose not. A train, then.

AMBER: You might trip over Jeremy Corbyn on one of those.

THERESA: Hmmm. Okay. And this will fit everybody in?

AMBER: They're already in here. Say hello, everybody!

BORIS: Hello. Can I go for a wee? I seem to have drank a pintaferous amount of tizer.

JACOB R.M.: Aaaammmberrrrr! Boris is making up words again. Tell him language is
sacrosanct. He's getting to be quite vexatious.

THERESA: Do I really have to get in with those two?

AMBER: Two? Oh, no they're all here. Jeremy Hunt, David Davies - he said he
definitely wasn't getting in but I talked him round - and, er, the other ones.

THERESA: Oh, very well. Budge up.

FX: NOVELTY HORN, DOOR CLATTERING, SQUEAKS, RATTLES

THERESA: Oh. I don't know how to drive this thing. It's a lot more complicated than I
imagined.

AMBER: Don't worry make it up as you go along. If anybody asks, just insist you know
what you're doing and say we'll get there in the end.

THERESA: So, just like I run the country then. Got it. Of we go.

FX: CLOWN CAR PULLING UP, NOVELTY HORN, PIECES
FALLING OFF.

JACOB R.M.: Bother. The car seems to be falling apart around us.

BORIS: (GENERAL BORIS EXCLAMATIONS) Look out for that cliff!

ALL: Aaagghhh!

FX: CAR SCREECHING TO A HALT, CREAKING THEN TUMBLING DOWN
THE CLIFF.

ALL: Aaaagghhh!

FX: CAR STOPS FALLING

THERESA: Aaaand...Brexit.

END

Quote: Mike X @ 22nd September 2017, 12:08 PM

My unsuccessful ones for this week...
Lady Gaga has cancelled her latest tour due to a medical issue. She was on medication, but there was a mistake with the prescription. Her doctor blamed the pharmacist and said he "can't read my, can't read my, no he can't read my hand writing".

View original

These jokes are both okay, but over long. I think they would have more impact shorter.

EG: Lady Gaga has cancelled her tour due a mistake with her prescription. Her doctor blamed the pharmacist saying "he can't read my, can't read my, no he can't read my hand wri-ting"