I'm so naive...

In honour of Vic Reeves' old gag, "I'm so naive, I thought Eartha Kitt was a set of gardening implements", I thought we could do some more.

I'm so naive, I thought...

...Frank Muir was an honest kitten
...Noddy Holder was the Toyland jail
...Lou Reed was a toilet book
...Billie Jean King was the foremost supplier of goat trousers
...Johnny Ball was a woefuly misapplied prophylactic
...Christian Bale was quitting the church
...Peter Parker was a penis jumping across the rooftops of Paris
...Jimmy Carr was a vehicle full of bodybuilding equipment
...John Sessions was a bad case of diaorrhea
...Gladys Knight was happiest after dusk
...Anneka Rice had designs on her sister's Chinese meal

Any more for any more?

They threw vinegar in my face, couldn't even make my eyes smart.
They said Make a bolt for the door, I'm still at the ironmonger's.
I thought Old Spice was Victoria's new nickname.