Cool has-beans so congratulations to GAPPY and CRINDY for wanking. Your prize is to PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
2 - 10 - Gappy, Crindy

Your next subject is MISUNDERSTANDINGS (chosen by Crindy).
Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except Italo-US mongeese.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to post just your entry/vote.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition closes: 4.8.17

Scoreboard is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 45 - Crindy
2 - 35 - Gappy
3 - 10 - me
4 - 5 - Patrick, Otterfox

Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 27th July 2017, 10:47 AM

Cool has-beans so congratulations to GAPPY for wanking.

View original

I think the result was 2-all in the end.

Quote: gappy @ 27th July 2017, 1:07 PM

I think the result was 2-all in the end.

View original

Ah, yes. Julie changed. (In the words of my mother, I hope you're not entering that.)

QUICK QUIZ

1. Which Mr Man is notoriously 'happy'?
a Mr Grumpy
b Little Miss Perfect
c Mr Happy

2. Which Spice Girl was known as Geri Halliwell?
a Geri Halliwell
b Mel C
c Mel B

3. How do you spell 'goat'?
a GOAT
b HGFKHGFDKHGDKM
c HGFDKHDJGSAAJFS;HGF;:JF;:F;HGFD;H:_:KHJFJGSHDAZHDGSAgstaGHD:KJG:JFK

4. Which Beatles song goes 'Let it be, let it be, let it be yeah, let it be'?
a Hey Jude
b Let it be
3 Everybody's got something to hide except for me and my monkey

5. Popular 90s rapper Betty Boo based her name on which cartoon character?
a The Flintstones
b Tom and Jerry
c Betty Boop

6. Which ex-Beatle formed 'Paul McCartney and Wings'?
a Ex-Beatle Paul McCartney (and Wings)
b George
c Ringo Starr

7. How old is a 15-year-old?
a 14
b 15
c 84706

8. Which comedy team is responsible for 'Monty Python's Flying Circus', 'Monty Python's And now for something completely different', 'Monty Python at the Hollywood Bowl', 'Monty Python And The Holy Grail', 'Monty Python's Meaning of Life' and 'The Best of Monty Python'?
a Laurel and Hardy
b Donald Trump
c Monty Python

9. Which songwritng team became known as Lennon-McCartney?
a The Spice Girls
b Lennon-McCartney
c Mick Jagger

10. Did you enjoy this quiz?
Yes

SMIDGERS: A word with you, minister. The...balloon has gone up.

KLABBERS: Ah. Come, this way, to the War Room: the walls have ears.

SMIDGERS: Oh. But, doesn't the War Room have walls too? Same problem.

KLABBERS: No, it doesn't.

SMIDGERS: What sort of room is that?

KLABBERS: More of field, to be honest.

SMIDGERS: The War Field?

KLABBERS: I just made the war bit up.

SMIDGERS: Why?

KLABBERS: I couldn't just say Field, could I?

SMIDGERS: You could.

KLABBERS: I couldn't. Because it's not actually a field. More like a lawn. Front lawn.

SMIDGERS: Alright. Well, so long as it's secure, we could sit upon the grass and further our plans.

KLABBERS: No grass, though, to be honest. It's all dead.

SMIDGERS: What? Why is your lawn dead?

KLABBERS: Because that's where the balloon was kept, for all these months. Before it went up.

SMIDGERS: Ah, you knew.

KLABBERS: I'm the Minister in Charge Of The Balloon. I'm the one who sent it up.

SMIDGERS: Forgot. I'm rubbish at this Intelligence Service stuff. Sorry. [BEAT] Oh! There is one other thing I could tell you: the walls have ea- oh, wait you told me that.

KLABBERS: I did. And I'm a German spy, so...

SMIDGERS: I'm probably going to get sacked. I could defect.

KLABBERS: Err...aaah...errrm...no, you're alright.

INSPECTOR: There he is! The monster is at the top of the burning windmill, look there is Frankenstein!

CROWD: Shouting angry insults.

FRANKENSTEIN: Actually I'm Frankenstein.

INSPECTOR: What? Come now Herr Doctor, you look nothing like him. Burn the monster! Fetch more wood!

FRANKENSTEIN: My name is Frankenstein.

INSPECTOR: But you are called Herr Doctor.

FRANKENSTEIN: What? You thought my name was Doctor Doctor?

PEASANT: Is it ok if the kids watch inspector? It's been a while since we had a good mob burning.

INSPECTOR: I'm not sure that is appropriate...

PEASANT: I can put a couple of potatoes in the embers for you?

INSPECTOR: Well I don't see that it would hurt the little ones...

PEASANT: Thank you Inspector, and good evening Herr Doctor Doctor.

THE MONSTER LETS OUT A LONG TERRIBLE ANGUISHED HOWL

INSPECTOR: An impressive pair of lungs there?

FRANKENSTEIN: They belonged to your wife's mother.

INSPECTOR: Strange, I didn't recognise the sound...

THE MONSTER LETS OUT A HUGE ANGRY GROWL

INSPECTOR: And there we are...You were saying Herr Doctor?

FRANKENSTEIN: My family name is Frankenstein, that creature, that abomination up there is my creation, it has no family name.

INSPECTOR: I wish you had mentioned this earlier Herr Doctor. This presents me with a little problem...

FRANKENSTEIN: There is no problem inspector. I made a terrible mistake, I thought I could use science to look into the face of God and create a life myself. I promise you I will never make that mistake again. In a few minutes the monster will be no more and I will dedicate my life to...

INSPECTOR: Fetch water and put out the fire! You there fetch that ladder and get the monster down!

FRANKENSTEIN: Inspector what are you doing?

INSPECTOR: The rest of you grab your pitchforks and flaming torches and form a line here behind the Doctor.

FRANKENSTEIN: What!?

INSPECTOR: Unfortunately Herr Doctor, this 'pursuit by angry mob with burning windmill finish warrant' from the magistrate, is sworn out in the name of 'Frankenstein'. Oh, and before we start would you like your body to be donated for scientific research?

INT. MEETING ROOM - DAY

A group of PEOPLE sit on chairs in a circle. A SPONSOR solemnly stands up and addresses the group.

SPONSOR
Good morning, everyone. Now, I know there's been some disruption after the decision was taken to alphabetise the offices in this building, but I'm glad to see that so many of you have been able to find us, and I hope that we can help you here today. So, shall we begin?

He gestures to MAN 1, who tentatively stands up and looks around the circle.

MAN 1
Um, hello. My name's Trevor, and...I guess I'm an alcoholic--

WOMAN 1
Um, excuse me?

SPONSOR
Please, let him finish. We believe in taking it in turns to tell our stories here at the AA.

WOMAN 1
No, sorry, it's just, I think I've got the wrong room. I'm here about my car.

SPONSOR
Oh. Your car?

WOMAN 1
Yeah. I think there's something up with the brakes. I was told this was the place for the AA?

SPONSOR
Well, it is.

WOMAN 1
Ok, great, so do you know how to bleed the brakes on a 2003 Astra--

SPONSOR
No, I mean, this is the AA, but, I think you might want, y'know, the AA. They should be next door.

MAN 2
Sorry to interrupt, but when do we get to use the simulator?

SPONSOR
Excuse me?

MAN 2
I'm here for the training programme. For new pilots? I'll be flying for American Airlines.

SPONSOR
Right...So you want AA?

MAN 2
Exactly, which is where I am. So, where's the bloody simulator?

SPONSOR
Yes, I think you might need a different--

MAN 2
I was told to come to the AA office.

SPONSOR
Yes, but we're the AA.

WOMAN 1
But not the AA?

SPONSOR
Exactly. I think AA might be next door?

MAN 2
No, I just came from next door. Bloody waste of time that was.

WOMAN 1
Ooh. Were there any mechanics in there?

MAN 2
There was one, yeah, but I think he was lost. Still, he's now an affiliate member of the Architectural Association, so swings and roundabouts, I guess.

SPONSOR
Look, this is disrupting our meeting. Maybe if you just went and asked at reception?

WOMAN 1
I did ask at reception. First floor, they said, and look for the room with 'AA' on it.

There is a knock on the door. WOMAN 2 enters.

WOMAN 2
Hi, sorry to interrupt, is this the Amateur Athletic Association?

SPONSOR
Ah, no, that's the AAA. You want the second floor.

WOMAN 2
Ah, great, thanks!

SPONSOR
Although, wait, hang on, are you British?

WOMAN 2
American.

SPONSOR
Right, then you want the AAAA. Third floor mezzanine.

WOMAN 2
No, I've just been up there. All I could find was the Association of Amateur Astronomers.

SPONSOR
Well, that's no good. The AAA should be on the second floor, next to the AAA.

WOMAN 1
Do you think any of these people would be able to bleed the brakes on a 2003 Astra?

MAN 2
Did you say the American stuff was on the third floor? So AA should be there?

WOMAN 1
No, he's just said the AAAA is on the third floor mezzanine. AA are on this floor, probably next to the AA.

SPONSOR
Look, if you can all please be quiet?! This is a serious AA meeting dealing with some very difficult situations! The least you can all do is be quiet and let us help this poor man.
(to MAN 1)
Now, please, continue...

MAN 1
Right. Erm, actually, I shouldn't be here either. I work on the third floor mezzanine.

WOMAN 2
Oh, with the AAAA?

MAN 1
No, the AAAA.

SPONSOR
Well, why were you joining in with the AA meeting?

MAN 1
I didn't want to cause a fuss. I only came down here to find the supply cupboard. We need batteries.

SPONSOR
What size?

MAN 1
AAA.

EVERYONE
Second floor.

THE END

Scene: a man walks into a pub......

Man: Hi, can I have a bottle of water please?

Barman: Sure......(goes to fridge)....Still Water?

Man: When I make a decision, I stick to it. Can I pay with my card: are you contactless?

Barman: No. I'm not allowed to cuddle customers anymore. Anything else?

Man: Could I also get a Speckled Hen, a Bishop's Finger and a small Blue Nun please?

Barman: Sure, but I'll have to make some phone calls. Any snacks?

Man: Can I see what kind of nuts you've got?

Barman: Get out of my pub.

That water hasn't changed. It's still water.
Great week but ultimately Gappy again.

Crindy.

Special mention: Patrick Robinson.

Good week!

Took me two f**king days to get Still water! Can't vote for that as it's a double entry from Michael (go on, make something dirty out of that).
Difficult to separate Gappy & Crindy - so taking the cowards way out and voting for Patricks bit of nonsense.

I have a problem with water round a castle. It's a moat point.

Good stuff folks. Crindy for my vote.

Crindy for about the 5th week running (they're on a roll!)

Special mention for Patrick's lovely little Barkerish routine.

Hope I haven't missed the voting deadline!

Really good week this week. But I'll vote for Patrick Robinson's short but very sweet scene.