My wife told me to go for a whole day without mentioning any of the Spice Girls. I said, 'Baby...'

Not all priests have sex with boys. Some just lick them on the foresk.

This week Amazon has announced the $13.7bn takeover of Whole Foods. I, for one, will not be trusting Amazon to deliver my groceries, if I wanted bruised vegetables I would call Stephen Hawking's ex-wife.

Jimmy Savile said he wasn't always attracted to children. He f**ked the ugly ones too.

Annie Lennox' favorite letter? Yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy... Paul McCartney's favourite letter? Letter B, letter B... Victoria Beckham's favourite letter? None, the bitch can't read.

I discovered my bees were both gay and allergic to it when they came out in hives.

It was terrible when they sent me to Room 101. I'm at intermediate level in room studies, at least.

GUMSHOE: I went down to the John Cage concert. It was quiet, too quiet.

What's the difference between 5 eunuchs and Dock Green? Dock Green's got Dixon.

Used condoms cost more. They've got over-heads.

What did Paul Daniels say when the blue whale came in his mouth? Not a lot.

Melania should date the Fonz. She jumps sharks too.

There's something about my mother's G-spot, I just can't put my finger on it.

There was a Catholic minister who whacked his washing machine. BISH BASH BOSCH.

My dad has a penis growing on his head, but he keeps it under his hat.

I got a blowjob off Sarah Jessica Parker. Straight from the horse's mouth.

If I agree to put my foot in my mother's vagina, do I toe the line?

I'm constipated. Tough shit.

Flashers are honest, they get it out in the open.