Paddington Bear can't give up anal. It's a-dicked-ted.

My dad can go f**k himself. Really. He's a hermaphrodite, he can go f**k himself, it's awesome.

One of my punchlines from Howler to another Howler's setup setup (that's how it works):

Noel Fielding Is to present the new Great British Bake Off on C4.

They've replaced Mel & Sue, with 'Melon Face'.

Spice Girl eats fruit on the beach. Melony Sea.
Spice Girl eats fruit and honey. Melony Bee.
Spice Girl does f**k all. Victoria.

Which rock star throws small fruit? Chuck Berry.
I jerked off to Tony Hancock. Just a smear.
The hotelier shoved an apple pie, Eccles cake and raspberry tart up my mother's vagina. She actually asked for some wake up calls.

What is Trumps favourite game?

'Paper, scissors, pebble.'

How do you spell gorilla with three assholes in 3 letters? B D I.

The problem with the Holy Spirit is He thinks He's God's gift to Mankind.

Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 26th March 2017, 3:48 PM

Spice Girl eats fruit on the beach. Melony Sea.
Spice Girl eats fruit and honey. Melony Bee.
Spice Girl does f**k all. Victoria.

View original

Spice Girl causes record high sales of Andrex. Emma Bunton.

I went to the barbers today to get my head shaved and asked for a number 2 all over.

In hindsight I should have worded it differently.

I don't understand computer language - it's all geek to me.

Spice Girl puts a harmonica up her ass. Emma Bum Tone.

-We get our paper delivered by the local supermarket.
-I didn't know they employed paperboys.
-Oh, yes. Aldi young dudes carry the news.

A garden salesman came to the door today. He said 'what do you use for your large plants - tubs.

People ask why I'm always criticising Trump and jerking off to the Spice Girls. Well I tried it the other way round and it just wasn't the same... What a disgusting thought. Criticising the Spice Girls.
This morning I had 27 wanks. It is Palm Sunday.

My mother must be a talent scout. She says she's always looking for the next big thing to sink in and get her teeth into.