I thought a sycophant was an ill pachyderm.

When can you fit a canoe in a toy gun? When it's cap sized.

Mike Ashley should make a success of Agent Provocateur, after all he's been specialising in flimsy, barely there material for years -

Or as they're also known, zero hour contracts.

Quote: Nick81 @ 2nd March 2017, 6:48 PM

Mike Ashley should make a success of Agent Provocateur, after all he's been specialising in flimsy, barely there material for years -

Or as they're also known, zero hour contracts.

View original

We now know Newcastle United's new strip for next season.

My mum accidentally threw out all my Elvis records. I said: "Well that's alright mama".

I tossed off six this morning:

I got a job as an gravedigger there wasn't an opening

Thought burying people is the last thing I would do

Covered up a few things

Tried bagging potatoes didn't get the sack, got the sack, still got the sack, took the sack home.

Got my collar felt by a dry cleaner turned policewoman.

Crime was like a drug, I stole some ibuprofen.

If anyone is interested in tasting anymore of the dribblings get in touch.

Two edits, three with this one as I literally dreamt them this morning as I woke and wrote them down on my phone in bed as a text, made two errors. Nice night and woke up laughing.

Tony Blair is talking to Donald Trump about being a Middle East Peace Envoy.

Oh - hang on a minute. That looks like it's true!

How many McCanns does it take to change a lightbulb?

None - Somebody's already taken it out.

Anal is the opposite of tedious. Bores the shit INTO you.

I won a contest to f**k corrupt politicians in the ass... Come up trump's? I sure did.

Finally finished weaving my herb belt. Complete waist of thyme.

Quote: gappy @ 11th March 2017, 10:19 AM

Finally finished weaving my herb belt. Complete waist of thyme.

View original

Loved that, still chuckling.

Curtains, the bats of the textile world.

Sell radiators and spread a little warmth

There's nothing like a cup of tea in bed, that's why they developed rubber sheets.

Think of a mattress as a giant Lady Tena pad

The change gives a woman chance to give men a pause.

47% of the clergy develop pedophile tendencies because they feel alone and isolated and lack the healthy outlet of marriage. The rest just like f**king kids.

I'm writing a book about Lady Diana and Camilla. It's called 'Charles' Dickings'.

I like history but there was always one dick going, 'Oh no, not f**king history AGAIN, I f**king HATE history, it's so f**king BORING, why can't we do something I like?' What a bad teacher she was.

What's the difference between an auditioner and a homosexual? An auditioner wants to call back.

Quote: gappy @ 11th March 2017, 10:19 AM

Finally finished weaving my herb belt. Complete waist of thyme.

View original

Great gag!