Hi.

This is the first sketch I have submitted. I wish I had redrafted it before I sent it in on the Saturday as I spent Sunday agonising over its faults. I do think there are some good gags in it, though. Please don't be polite, I want savagery!

BURNING YOUR OXBRIDGES

PRESENTER: A student has been expelled from the Cambridge University Conservative Association after being filmed burning a £20 note in front of a homeless man. I say there are worse things to do with £20 on a night out, most of them are on the menu at Rainbow Kebabs And Chicken. But what if this starts a trend among the privileged young?

FX: ROWDY, POSH AND DRUNKEN EXCLAMATIONS

RUPERT: I'm Rupert and this is my note burning challenge!

TOFFS: Yeah! Rather! Etc

RUPERT: I say, Daddy's lost his bonus after a parliamentary inquiry. Twenty pounds does seem rather a lot. Can't we just lightly singe a traveller's cheque?

TOFFS: Boo!

FELICITY: Really, Rupert! Tristam burned a medieval codex in front of a group of Lidl shoppers only last week!

RUPERT: Do we have to actually burn it? What if I just run with scissors in its general direction?

FELICITY: Well, if you don't feel up to it, I think I shall spend my time with someone who knows how to do soulless narcissism properly!

RUPERT: That's enough, Felicity. How dare you suggest I have an ounce of humanity! Let me show you the girth of my unbridled sense of entitlement. (shouting) I say, Mr Homeless Man: Hark at this!

FX: FUTILE CLICKING OF A LIGHTER

RUPERT: Drat! My House of Fabergé table lighter is letting me down again. I told Mummy the post-Bolshevik stuff was rotten! Whom here has a light?

FELICITY: Oh how gauche! (giggles) And I thought vaping was passé... We all snuff now, Rupert. (sneezes)

RUPERT: Oh, for goodness sake.... (shouting) Ahhh, excuse me... Mr Homeless Man? This is dreadfully embarrassing but you wouldn't happen to have a light on your person, there's a good chap?

MAN: A light? Yes. Here. Look, you'll never get it going in this wind. If you hold it from the top... And you, Miss, you cup your hands round the bottom there...

FELICITY: Like this?

MAN: Yes.

FX: A LIGHTER CLICKING AND A FLAME CATCHING

MAN: Ok. I think it's coming... I can see Adam Smith starting to glow... He's starting another Enlightenment, he he! There it is!

FX: A CONFLAGRATION

EVERYONE: (sweetly, without malice) Yaaaaaay!

RUPERT: Thank you. (pause for a beat, then clears his throat) And I hope that teaches you how innately superior we all are to you!

TOFFS: Yeah! (general mocking and revelry)

RUPERT: Hang on a second... Daddy, is that you?

MAN: Ahh, Rupert. I was meaning to tell you... Slight problem with that Presidential Inaugration tickets business I started...

END

I need to be brave and post in critique. Who is Felicity? Liked punchline. Minor thing but I wondered if the first fx could be clearer. I could see this as a possible nj sketch though.
'I can see....enlightenment ' - as a radio sketch with one quick listen would people puzzle about this and what it meant. Same with medieval codex? Liked lidl shoppers. Liked hark. Girth of my unbridled sense of entitlement - good line but wondered if too wordy for radio. I like background toffs. I could see it as a nj sketch. I liked it.

Thanks for replying BTF.
I agree entirely with everything you said. I over-egged the whole thing.
Felicity is just a posh girl Rupert is trying to impress.
I find it painful to take lines out, which I suppose you have to do.
I also notice they prefer simpler sketches that take one idea and build it, without asides or deviation.

Come on and post your stuff, BTF. What's the worst that could happen? We are living in a post-embarrassment age, my friend.

Firstly a friendly welcome to the site, and thanks for your feedback on my sketch.

Your opening bit needed to be a bit funnier than the Rainbow kebab line. I didn't think you needed the first line about 'burning note challenge' or the line about 'isn't £20 too much'. Loved the lines about the codex and Fabergé and the twist at the end was very good. Overall a good sketch but you needed to get your red pen out. You have until 12 noon on Monday morning so don't submit it on a Saturday. There may well have been topical references on Sunday or Monday morning that you could have slipped in, they seem to like that.

Hi Will Cam and thanks.
I've learnt my lesson; I'm not submitting until late on Sunday this week. I've got a sketch and 1 breaking news and 1 number cruncher already. Just to be clear: 2 sketches and 3 of each category of oneliners is the maximum they will take each week - is that correct?
I've been going for more obscure news stories (as they say in the submission guidelines) but I notice that last episode they went mostly for the usual suspects again. I have to agree with some posts I've read that Thursday's episode was relatively weak.
Have you got stuff ready for this submission yet, Will Cam?
I do find this exciting, and it certainly motivates me to write. Thanks, Newsjack!

Good twist ending, and some nice lines in there, but it took a while to get off the blocks.