A Christmas Pudding - Dickens Spoof

Hello Everyone

I found this on an old usb drive. I wrote it quite a few years ago now.But as its Christmas I thought why not post it. Its my modern day version of Charles Dickens Christmas Carol called a Christmas Pudding it to long to post all of it, but here's a small piece. The scene where Scrooge comes face to face with Jacob Marleys ghost. As always comments and feed back would be appreciated. O yeah, Merry Christmas Everyone

SCENE. INT. SCROOGE'S LIVING ROOM.

SCROOGE IS SITTING IN HIS CHAIR EATING HIS TEA WITH THE TV ON. HIS HOUSE IS LAVISHLY FURNISHED AND HAS ALL THE LATEST MOD CONS. YOU HEAR A GHOSTLY VOICE "SCROOOOOOGE" THE VOICE COMES AGAIN "SCROOOOOOGE".

SCROOGE PULLS HIS JUMPER AWAY FROM HIS NECK AND LOOKS INSIDE. HE GETS UP AND PULLS HIS JEANS AWAY FROM HIS STOMACH AND LOOKS INTO HIS PANTS. HE THEN PICKS UP HIS FOOT AND LOOKS UNDER IT. HE STARTS TO HOPE AROUND IN A CIRCLE WHIST HOLDING HIS FOOT MOVING ACROSS THE ROOM.

HE FALLS AGAINST THE ROOM DOOR BACKWARDS WITH HIS ARMS SPREAD OUT, LOOKING FRIGHTENED. A GHOSTLY FACE APPEARS IN THE DOOR .IT SPEAKS HIS NAME "SCROOOOOOGE". SCROOGE TURNS AROUND AND TAKES A RUN UP AND TRIES TO PUNCH IT. THE FACE DISAPPEARS.

YOU HEAR FOOTSTEPS AND CHAINS RATTLING BEHIND THE DOOR. THE ALARM GOES OFF, THEN STOPS. THE DOOR KEY STARTS TO TURN. THE DOOR SWINGS OPEN. SCROOGE GOES AND HIDES BEHIND HIS CHAIR. A GHOSTLY FIGURE APPEARS AND WALKS INTO THE ROOM.

SCROOGE:
O my God what do you want with me?

SPIRIT:
In life I was your partner Jacob Marley.

SCROOGE:
(PUTTING HEAD FORWARD AND SQUINTING) You and me never. I mean I
know we both liked a good knees up but...that's incredulous

JACOB:
(ANGRY TONE) Your business partner.

SCROOGE:
O yeah. I see, that you were Jacob.

JACOB:
I have come to give you the hope and chance I never had.

SCROOGE:
What hope? What chance? What are you talking about?

JACOB:
I come to speck of your redemption.

SCROOGE:
O dear. I'm afraid I've already taken one out with the Abbey National. I'm
sorry you've wasted your time.

JACOB:
Nay. I come for your sake Ebenezer.

SCROOGE:
(PULLS STARTLED FACE) Well that's very kind of you, but sadly the spare
rooms being decorated. Maybe another time.

JACOB MAKES AN AWFUL SCREAMING NOISE AND SHAKES HIS CHAINS.

SCROOGE:
Ok. Maybe I can give Bob Cratchit a ring, maybe he'll put you up. I'll text him
now if you want.

JACOB:
I am here to warn you Ebenezer, for your chain was this long and this
ponderous thirty five Christmas Eves ago.

SCROOGE:
(THINKING) I would of only been about five.

JACOB:
(THINKING) It was this long and ponderous five Christmas Eves ago.

SCROOGE:
I mean your chains big but woo wee. I don't like to brag but mine
would of been a real mortal head turner. I'd never get up stairs in time to go
to the toilet dragging that thing behind me.

JACOB LOOKS ANNOYED.

SCROOGE:
Would you like a cup of tea, a packet of Jaffa Cakes? I bet it's a long old trek
from the spirit world to here.

JACOB:
Tea please.

SCROOGE:
You just make yourself feel at home and I'll be back in a tick.

SCROOGE SCURRIES OFF TOWARDS THE KITCHEN. HE CONTINUALLY LOOKS BACK WITH A FRIGHTENED EXPRESSION. HE PUTTS THE KETTLE ON AND STARTS TO LOOK FOR TEA BAGS.

SCROOGE:
O God what am I'm going to do. I've got a dead man in my house. Maybe its
all that coffee I've been drinking.

HE HAS A LOOK THROUGH THE DOOR. HE'S STILL THERE. SCROOGE POPS HEAD BACK.

SCROOGE:
Bollocks. Damn I don't know if he takes sugar or not. O God I want my mum. (PULLS A WORRIED FACE)

HE WALKS INTO THE DOOR WAY.

SCROOGE:
Do you take sugar?

JACOB:
Just one please. I'm trying to cut down a bit after all the mince pies I've been
eating.

SCROOGE:
So it wasn't Santa Claus or my mother. I always had my suspicions.

SCROOGE GOES BACK INTO THE KITCHEN AND DROPS A SUGAR IN HIS CUP.

SCROOGE:
(LOOKING OUT OF THE CORNER OF HIS EYES) I bet its some sort of
Christmas prank my nephew Fred's trying to pull, whatever's going on, there's
more git than ghost about him.

SCROOGE COMES BACK HOLDING A CUP OF TEA. HE PICKS UP THE CUP OF TEA FROM ON THE SIDE. HE WALKS PAST JACOB WHO GIVES HIM A LOOK. HE STARTS SHAKING AND SPILLING IT EVERYWHERE.

SCROOGE:
I'll put it on the side for you.

HE PUTS THE TEA NEXT TO HIM. JACOB PICKS UP THE CUP OF TEA AND STARTS TO DRINK. THE TEA PASSES THROUGH HIM AND GOES ALL OVER THE FLOOR.

SCROOGE:
Er you're spilling it all over the floor. Er, excuse me Jacob.

HE FINISHES AND LETS OUT A GASP. YOU HEAR HIS TUMMY RUMBLE. THEN YOU HEAR A TRUMPING NOISE.

SCROOGE:
(RUNS TO THE WINDOW) A wet one from Satan's own bottom. (STICKS
HEAD OUT OF WINDOW) They don't brow'em up like that in the mortal
world.

JACOB:
The hope and redemption I speak of will come in the form of three spirits.

SCROOGE:
(PULLS A CRAZY FACE) Three spirits hey. Anything you say crazy Jake.

JACOB:
Expect the first one when the bell chimes one, the second spirit when the bell
chimes two and the third more mercurial will appear in his own good time.

SCROOGE:
Couldn't three supermodels visit me instead? Surly that would be more fitting
in the wee small hours of the morning.

JACOB LOOKS AT HIM ANGRILY.

JACOB:
I'm warning you Ebenezer.

SCROOGE:
Hey you could make it happen your virtually Satan's right hand man now.

JACOB LETS OUT A TERRIBLE SCREAM AGAIN. SCROOGE GOES AND HIDES BEHIND HIS CHAIR SHACKING LIKE A CHILD.

JACOB:
There is still hope for you Scrooge and there is still time. Now remember all
that has gone before.

YOU SEE SCROOGE SCREWING UP HIS FACE AND TRYING TO REMEMBER.

JACOB:
Look to me no more.

SCROOGE:
(STANDS THERE, GORMING) You don't fancy a game of Call of Duty before
you go? I get bored playing on my own.

JACOB:
Nay.

SCROOGE:
There goes that horse again. (HE STARTS TO CHECK UNDER THE CHAIRS)

JACOB:
Now look to me no more.

SCROOGE TURNS AWAY. JACOB STARTS TO TIP TOE TOWARDS THE DOOR. HE MAKES A SCREAMING NOISE AND SLAMS THE DOOR SHUT. SCROOGE TURNS AROUND AND GOES AND SITS DOWN AND PICKS HIS FOOD BACK UP.

SCROOGE:
Bloody hell my teas cold now.

PUTS PLATE DOWN.

SCROOGE:
God it stinks in here.

ALL OF A SUDDEN THE DOOR OPENS AND JACOB POKES HIS HEAD AROUND THE DOOR. SCROOGE LOOKS GONE OUT.

JACOB:
Er, you just couldn't show me to the front door could you? I've already tried
the bathroom and the linen closet.

SCENE. EXT. SCROOGE'S FRONT DOOR.

YOU SEE SCROOGE STANDING AT HIS FRONT DOOR WITH JACOB WAVING AT HIM IN THE DISTANCE.

SCROOGE:
(SHOUTS OUT) I'll email you.

ALL OF A SUDDEN OTHER SPIRITS APPEAR WRAPPED IN CHAINS BEHIND JACOB. THEY LOOK LIKE THE BIGGEST BUNCH OF WEIRDO'S EVER. THEY ALL START TO WAVE. SCROOGE BANGS HIM SELF ON HEAD AND THEN GOES INSIDE.

HE LOOKS OUT FROM THE WINDOW BEHIND THE CURTAIN. YOU SEE JACOB AND THE SPIRITS WITH THEIR BACKS TURNED WALKING ON THE SPOT WITH EXAGGERATED ARM AN LEG MOVEMENTS IN LINE. THEY START TO GET SMALLER UNTIL THEY DISAPPEAR. SCROOGE SHAKES HIS HEAD AND CHECKS THE WINDOWS ARE FULLY SHUT AND CLOSES THE CURTAIN.

SCROOGE:
Tosser.

END SCENE