What do you call an ugly villain who can't speak French? Minger the Merciless.

Did you know?...the Japanese word for "thrush" is "itchifanni".

In Asda, a man told an assistant "I just walked past the potatoes and carrots, then the beans. Each time I heard a voice saying 'one potato, two potato, three potato, four!'" She said, "Of course you did, sir. That's the vegetable counter!"

Gary Barlow wrote about anal with the 50 foot woman. 'How Deep Is Your Tush?'

Which Spice Girl eats fruit at the beach? Melony Sea. Which Spice Girl eats fruit at the aviary? Melony Bee. Which Spice Girl eats f**k all? Victoria.

Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 1st July 2016, 4:01 PM BST

Which Spice Girl eats fruit at the beach? Melony Sea. Which Spice Girl eats fruit at the aviary? Melony Bee. Which Spice Girl eats f**k all? Victoria.

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Should that be the Apiary?

I heard a buzzing from the front of my friend's car. Must have a bee in his bonnet.

You're so out of shape you get out of breath using Google. Also AIDS.

What's Oscar Pistorius prison sentence and his legs got in common?

They're both a fraction of what he should have received.

Everyone needs legends... Except Oscar Pistorius, he needs leg ends.

Those packs of two little apple pies, when they are separated who gets custardy?

[Worth £80 of anybody's money!]

What did P say to R ?
Get to the back of the Q

John Lennon's wife drops an egg. Yolk? Oh, oh no.

Conference against references to measurements of time... I'll second that. In the minutes.

What do Nigel Farage and Diarrhoea have in common ?
They both create a stink, exit quick and leave someone else to clean up the mess.

What I don't understand is, why is there ever a need to notify anyone of a change to your permanent address?