Hi guys,

This is the first feature-length comedy I've written and was hoping to get some feedback on it.

Logline: A disgraced former cop who falls in with a men's rights organisation, finds himself framed for the attempted assassination of America's first female President.

https://studios.amazon.com/projects/117753

Any comments would be much appreciated.

Thanks.

I read about 6 pages - 90 pages is a bit too long to randomly read on the internet so I'd suggest just posting the first few pages on here and you might get more people commenting.

I thought that the writing was good and there were some good lines, particularly 'Chill, take a seat' and 'this isn't the Matrix'. The stage directions were funny too 'stuffing cake in the vague direction of his mouth'.

I think you should put the location in the script itself to make it crystal clear where it's set.

Finally I'd suggest finding a writer's group or something, as I said this is a bit too long for anyone on the internet to read and give feedback on.

Quote: Brtje @ 12th June 2016, 6:12 PM BST

I read about 6 pages - 90 pages is a bit too long to randomly read on the internet so I'd suggest just posting the first few pages on here and you might get more people commenting.

I thought that the writing was good and there were some good lines, particularly 'Chill, take a seat' and 'this isn't the Matrix'. The stage directions were funny too 'stuffing cake in the vague direction of his mouth'.

I think you should put the location in the script itself to make it crystal clear where it's set.

Finally I'd suggest finding a writer's group or something, as I said this is a bit too long for anyone on the internet to read and give feedback on.

View original

I certainly wasn't expecting people to read all of it, but it's already up there so made sense to link to the whole thing and let people decide for themselves.

I'll also look at cementing the area.

Thanks for the feedback!