Phwoarsome stuff so congratulations to JAMES for winking. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
5 - 10 - James
2 - 5 - Gappy,
Speckled mansion: Stylee TingTing

Your next subject is OPEN like my mother's legs. There's the small matter of Newsjacking Off.

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except mongeese.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition closes: 6.3.16

Scoreboard is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 20 - James
2 - 10 - Gappy
3 - 5 - me, Stylee TingTing

MADICINE MAN

DOCTOR'S STUDIO.

DOC and PATIENT.

DOC So, what's up, patient?

PATIENT Nothing, Doc.

DOC F**k off then... Only joking.

PATIENT Well I have a pain in my shoulder.

DOC I can't see anything from here, but if you're in pain take some painkillers... I can come closer.

PATIENT What's the difference?

DOC Fifty quid...

PATIENT All right.

(Patient gives him twenty quid. He looks)

DOC No, still nothing... Well maybe there is a problem. It's big.

PATIENT How big?

DOC A hundred quid.

PATIENT (sighs, gives him the money)

DOC No, there could a problem, that's five hundred quid...

(Patient gives money)

DOC There definitely is a problem, that's a thousand quid...

(Patient gives money)

DOC There's a problem and I have a name for it, that's a million.

(Patient gives money)

DOC There's a problem and I have the same name for it in Greek.

(Patient gives money)

DOC And I have someone else who has the same name but he's a specialist.

Enter SPECIALIST.

SPECIALIST Yes I have the name and I'm a specialist. That's six billion quid.

(Patient gives money)

SPECIALIST There's no cure, but if you're in pain take some painkillers.

Sunday afternoon, perfect time to bash out a skit comp entry

JEANETTE: OK, everyone, dinner is served!

LIAM: Hmm, looks delicious.

GARY: You've surpassed yourself this time, Jeanette.

JEANETTE: Oh, go on, you!

VLAD: Erm, yes, this looks lovely, Jeanette but, erm, does it have any garlic in?

JEANETTE: Yes. Yes, a little.

VLAD: Ah, I'm sorry. I can't eat garlic.

JEANETTE: Oh. Well, alright. Sorry about that. I'll see whether I can whip anything else up, Vlad.

LIAM: Oh, here we go again!

VLAD: What?

LIAM: You and your allergies. We're sick of your allergies. And now you're allergic to garlic, apparently.

VLAD: It's not an allergy! It's kind of an intolerance.

GARY: Attention seeking, I call it. Could you not have mentioned it before poor Jeanette went to all this trouble?

VLAD: I sent her a list!

JEANETTE: Oh, yes, he did, Gary, that's right. I must have missed the garlic, sorry, Vlad.

LIAM: You missed it because the list is about 10 foot long, I bet. "Ooh, I'm Vlad, I'm allergic to everything, everyone look at me"

GARY: You can't use silver cutlery, you can't eat garlic.

LIAM: You can't drink holy water, you can't eat Twiglets in case they form the shape of the cross.

GARY: You can't eat steak.

VLAD: Ah, now in fairness that was a misunderstanding.

GARY: You're allergic to sunlight - seriously, would it kill you to come to one of my picnics?

VLAD: Well, you see, actually-

LIAM: All these things we have to worry about, I'm not taking it any more: that time you made me trickle out the Perrier so it doesn't count as running water, took 40 minutes to fill a glass!
GARY: Yeah! And all that stuff about being allergic to decapitation.

VLAD: Well, I think most people are.

LIAM: Yeah, but we don't go on about it all day. You've no manners, and after Jeanette here was kind enough to invite you into her home.

JEANETTE: Now, come on, Liam, it's not a big deal.

LIAM: It is a big deal, and I've been wanting to say this for a long time, I'm just glad it's finally in the open. Vlad, if you want our friendship to continue, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself in the mirror.

VLAD: Yeah...about that...

PRISON GOVERNOR'S OFFICE IN UNNAMED PRISON SOMEWHERE IN ENGLAND. THE PRISON GOEVRNOR AND CHIEF OFFICER JENKINS ARE PREPARING FOR A PRISONER APPOINTMENT

Jenkins - Just one prisoner to see you today Sir, George Whelan, file on your desk.

Governor - Excellent and efficient as always Jenkins, do show him in

GOVERNOR BEGINS TO INSPECT WHELAN'S FILE

Jenkins - Yes Sir, thank you Sir

JENKINS MARCHES TO THE DOOR AND OPENS IT

Jenkins - (shouting) Prisoner Whelan 64265 - the Governor will see you now

GEORGE MARCHES IN AND COMES TO ATTENTION AT THE GOVERNOR'S DESK

Governor - So, Whelan, what have you come to see me about?

Whelan - Well Sir, despite my best efforts I can't get on with my cell mate and I want to request a transfer please.

Governor - To another cell? This isn't the Ritz Whelan, we can't just move prisoners willy nilly. Jenkins who is this man's cell mate?

Jenkins - It's the well known T.V. personality and convicted sex offender NAME CENSORED BY BCG LAWYERS

Governor - I see. Well we can't allow you to move just because of NAME CENSORED BY BCG LAWYERS conviction

Whelan - but it's causing me huge stress. I'm not eating and I'm sure the other prisoners have assumed I'm NAME CENSORED BY BCG LAWYERS pal and tarred ne with the same brush

Governor- what makes you think that?

Whelan - Whenever I'm in the yard someone's always whistling the theme tune to 'It's a Knockout"

Jenkins - It's a catchy number Sir

Governor - Hmm, but surely sharing a cell with NANE CENSORED BY BCG LAWYERS has its benefits; for example he must regale you with stories about his showbiz lifestyle

Whelan - believe me Sir, when you've heard one anecdote about going out drinking with Eddie Warring, you've heard them all

Governor - And then there's those incredible sports reports he used to do - surely NAME CENSORED BY BCG LAWYERS is wonderful to listen to when he talks about the different clubs and players?

Whelan - maybe when I first came in, but not now. Since I've been inside I've really tried to improve myself by taking classes and making use of the library. I've developed and grown as a person and these days I want to converse about literature, the arts, that sort of thing.

Governor - Art and literature Eh? Well it's highly unusual Whelan but you also have a supporting letter from the prison G.P. so I suppose I've got to do something. Jenkins, please arrange to move Whelan's belongings to Cell 257 please

Whelan - Oh, thank you Sir!

SCENE CUTS TO WHELAN BEING ESCORTED TO HIS NEW CELL BY JENKINS. THE MEN REACH CELL 257

Jenkins - here you are then Whelan, your home for the next eighteen months, with your new cell mate (smirks)

WHELAN LOOKS AROUND THE CELL WITH INCREASING CONCERN. THERE ARE DRAWINGS OF CARTOON CHARACTERS IIN FRAMES. IN ONE CORNER THERE IS A DIDGERIDOO. A REVEAL SHOWS A HUGE PAINTED MURAL OF AYRS ROCK ON THE FAR WALL

Jenkins - (smug and in an Australian accent) can you tell who it is yet?

SO SAYING HE SHOVES WHELAN THROUGH THE THRESHOLD AND PULLS THE HEAVY CELL DOOR SHUT

WHELAN - COMMENT CENSORED BY BCG LAWYERS

ALI BABA: Open tapioca!

GENIE: What?

ALI BABA: Tapioca?

GENIE: Tapioca? Tapi f**king oca!

ALI BABA: Lentals?

GENIE: Why not try it?

ALI BABA: Open Lentals!

GENIE: It's not f**king lentals!

ALI BABA: But you said try it?

GENIE: I was being ironic.

ALI BABA: Do Genies do irony?

GENIE: No.

ALI BABA: I didn't think they did.

GENIE: Yes they do do irony. I was being Ironic. Again.

ALI BABA: Open mustard!

GENIE: Mustard?

ALI BABA: Well it was something to do with seeds. Can't you just tell me?

GENIE: No I told you I am not allowed, it's a magic spell thing.

ALI BABA: Can I command you to tell me. You know use one of my wishes?

GENIE: You haven't any wishes left remember?

ALI BABA: Uh?

GENIE: Remember?...I said you had three wishes...

ALI BABA: Yes.

GENIE: And you asked for a champion camel?

ALI BABA: Yes.

GENIE: Then you said "If that's a champion camel you can shove it up my arse?
" ALI BABA: Oh yes.

GENIE: Then I think you might remember you were quite keen on using your third wish to undo your second.

ALI BABA: And I still don't think that was a champion camel.

GENIE: Oh I don't know, he certainly moved pretty quickly when I got him out.

ALI BABA: Poppy seeds! Open poppy seeds!

GENIE: And I thought Aladdin was a f**kwit.

Stylee. The Germans are famous for their sense of humour.

Playfull. Like a certain camel, that was right up my alley (broad cultural reference, absurd logic, thesaurus comedy, swearing).

I'll even let you off the fact the board says that, strictly, this was posted 1 minute past the deadline

James. Knew his new cell mate would be another yew tree member but nicely done.

Another good crop this week. The one that edges it for me is Gappys vampire sketch. Loved the pay off

I like the rhythm of Michaels

I like Gappys proper ending

I like Stylees ambition

I like James' playing with the rules (mentioning the BCG within the sketch)

Have to agree with James it's Gappy just for the payoff.