Phwoarsome stuff so congratulations to JAMES for winning. (I had a wanking contest. I won by a long shot.) PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
2 - 10 - James
1 - 5 - Gappy, me, Stylee TingTing

Your next subject: DADA (chosen by STLEE TINGTING).

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except mongeese.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition closes: 23.2.16

Scoreboard is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 10 - James
2 - 5 - Gappy, me, Stylee TingTing

Well it's arty.

MADE OF TARTS

STUDIO. INTERVIEWER and POP TART.

INTERVIEWER Hi viewers, I'm Binty Piper and it gives me the most enormous - yeah - to be with an act who really does deserve the clap.

APPLAUSE.

INTERVIEWER Yes, it's Madonna, one of the most suckedcessful artits of the century.

TART Oh, what're you like?

INTERVIEWER Now there are rumours your suckedsex is not only due to the Pavarotti vocals of 'Like a Virgin', the Meryl Streep acting of 'Desperately Sucking Susan' or even the Leonardo da Vinci artwork of your monumental tome 'Erotica'...

TART Huh?

INTERVIEWER Some vulgar gossips vulgarly gossiped you shot to fame by - er - knowing - frequenting - being Biblically intimate with - a number of males.

TART That's just the press.

INTERVIEWER So let's the record straight.

TART (giggles) Record.

INTERVIEWER Which fellows have you known-frequented-been-Biblically-intimate-with?

TART Jellybean. Arthur Baker. Ginger Baker. Ginger Spice. Jack Lemon. John Lennon. John Merrick. Johnny Depp. Derek and the Dominoes. Derek and Clive. Clive Anderson. Five. One Direction. Rob Lowe, Chris Lowe, Neil Tennant. Brad Pitt. Denzel Washington. Matt Dillon, Will Smith, Jason Bateman, George Clooney, Liam Neson, Liam Gallagher, Noel Gallagher, Damon Albarn, Patsy Kensit, Patrick Dempsey, Jason Priestley, Joey Lawrence, Mark Wahlberg, Aaron Carter, Aarless baldies, shorn men, Sean Penn, Sean Connery, Luke Perry, Luke Goss, Matt Goss, the other one, Pierce Brosnan, pierced Bros man, Hanson, handsomes, Joey MacIntyre, Matt Dillon again, Justin Timberlake, Leonardo di Caprio, Leonardo da Vinci, Lenny Henry, Mel Gibson, Mel Smith, Mel C, Tom Cruise, Nick Nolte, Nicholas Cage, knickerless aged, Richard Gere, Harrison Ford, Ben Affleck, John Wayne, Dustin Hoffman, Wayne Sleep, Meryl Streep, Jude Law, Matt Dillon again, Mickey Rourke, Robert Pattinson, David Beckham, King Henry the Eighth, Ringo Starr, Mick Jagger, Thomas the Tank Engine, Tellytubbies, Benito Mussolini, Barak Obama, O J Simpson, Tiger Woods, Matt Dillon again. And my husband, what's his name?

INTERVIEWER You're a tart.

TART How dare you? (slaps him and leaves)

Dada sketch

INT. LIVING ROOM OF A BCG FORUM MEMBER

James - Guess what?? I won the sketch competition this week on the British Comedy Guide!!

Sarah - aw, well done - how many votes did you get?

James - (pauses) erm, two

Sarah - two? Oh right, no, that's great! !

James - thanks. By the way ; what do you call a young gay black man in South Central LA?

Sarah - I don't know, what do you call a young gay black man in South Central LA?

James - a hommie sexual

SILENCE

Sarah - so what's the topic this week

James - dada

Sarah - dada? You mean the art movement

James - yeah , do you know much about it?

Sarah -( thinks) no

James - Crap, not got a clue where to start

Sarah - that's a shame.

James - How about if I do something about a pensioners art group?

Sarah - how would that work then?

James - well maybe they all misunderstand what they've had to do for their homework?

Sarah - hmm not sure

James - no , that could work. Perhaps one was supposed to create a dada inspired piece but did a picture of Lady Gaga or maybe Yaya Toure because her hearing aid was on the blink?

Sarah - erm yeah maybe

James - then another shows a portrait of Mike Yarwood because she wanted to do an impressionist piece. But the teacher says it looks nothing like him. Then the woman says 'ah well that's because he's doing Harold Wilson'!

Sarah - well I suppose that's a bit better

James - while I'm on a roll , did you hear that Han Solo's best friend is ill?

Sarah - no?

James - yeah , flu-bacca

SILENCE

Sarah - so, back to this pensioners art class. Maybe one of them did a painting of loads of naked lesbians getting it on and the joke is it's inspired by Picasso's blue period?

James - yeah and the teacher goes I think you've misunderstood - but great tits

Sarah - well , I suppose he could.

SILENCE

Sarah - how about you just use this ?

James - Eh?

Sarah - this increasingly hopeless conversation about trying to think of a dada sketch?

James - but this hasn't really been funny has it? It's just been a conversation full of bad ideas

Sarah - well go back and put two or three subtle gags in

James - hmm that could definitely work . Oh by the way what do you get if you cross Rolph Harris and Jimny Saville?

Sarah - I don't know, what do you get if you cross Rolph Harris with Jimmy Saville?

James - Not sure, (BEAT) but I wouldn't let it babysit

Sarah - that's a bit sick

James - I know but I think we can justify a paedo joke on the grounds that Dadaism was not afraid to leave its audience shocked , perhaps even appalled

Sarah - well you've probably managed that. So, all that's left is to finish with a big punchline, perhaps with some clever double meaning that takes it back to dada in some way

James - yes great idea, in fact that sounds Marcel Duchamp- ion!!

LOOK AT EACH OTHER AWKWARDLY

Sarah - you know those two votes from last week?

James - yeah?

Sarah - I think you may have peaked

ENDS.

1: Take a look at that.

2: Sublime, simply sublime.

1: Truly, a masterpiece.

3: Where?

2: What do you mean, where? The art! There.

3: What, that?

1: Yes, "that". "That" is a glorious subversion of aesthetic mores, a garish rupture in the skein of bourgeois complacency.

3: I don't get it.

2: The lack of justification is its own justification; it shouldn't be there, and yet it is, which is what makes it art.

1: It's a powerful installation.

3: It's outside. If anything, it's an outstallation.

2: Precisely! Outside, over the wall, beyond the socio-normative pale.

1: Ask yourself, why is it outside the city, if not to engender an inversion of the hierarchy of cultural capital?

3: Because the gate's closed. Can't bring anything in if the gate's closed.

1: That sounds like bourgeois complacency talk to me.

2: Ask yourself, what is it? Impossible to answer, its minimal simplicity masks a maximal mystery. Can one possibly define what it is?

3: Looks like a horse.

1: Yes, I know it looks like a horse! But, ask yourself, is it a horse?

3: Yes.

1: Ah, but is it?

3: Yes.

1: Or is it?

3: Alright, no, it's a sculpture of a horse.

2: [Beat] Or is it?

3: I don't know, you tell me!

2: Can it be called a sculpture when the work obscures the hand of the craftsman? Look at the industrial patina of those rough planks, look at the rudimentary finish on the equine visage, almost as if it had been made really quickly by a bunch of soldiers with scant access to carpentry facilities. Materialistically speaking it's so...what would one say..?

3: Wooden.

2: [Beat] Yes, OK, wooden. Let's bring it in.

1: Oh, yes, everyone in Troy should see this meisterwerk.

3: If you like.

1: We do like. The inscrutable paradoxicality will rend all Trojan juxtapositional conceptions of propriety apart.

2: It is endlessly fascinating, such a bold, brutal conundrum.

3: Well, I think it's boring.

1: Oh, really? And what would you find interesting, our little art expert?

3: Something weird....like a giant cat that's got the head of a man except they've got no nose, and just behind there's, like, a huge stone triangle, for no reason at all.

2: Pah, surrealism! That stuff's ancient history.

Enjoyed Stylee's Magritte riff (not least because the first skit comp entry I ever write that was any good was about Magritte, I think), but James gets my vote: I can really hear the voices, and the line about retrospectively putting jokes in was very enjoyable.

James again but all cool.

Tough subject this week - all good but my favourite was definitely Gappy - lovely use of language

James for me. Good work all round though.

Liked Stylees - but am completely split between James & Gappy - both really good ideas beautifully crafted - so a half vote each from me.

Quote: playfull @ 26th February 2016, 11:27 PM GMT

Liked Stylees - but am completely split between James & Gappy - both really good ideas beautifully crafted - so a half vote each from me.

View original

Thanks, Playfull.

I have to say, when I wriote this sketch I was really happy with it: it's bang on the theme, it's concise, it has logic, gags, a reveal, characters, and an hnonest-to-God punchline.

Trouble is, I looked at it the next day and realised it wasn't actually funny. Oh, well, congratulations to James for a well-deserved victory, proving funny wins every time.