This is the first time that I've had a go at writing stand up comedy so here goes

Up dating software deceives you when you look at that little line it's not moving but you think it is but we you sit there convinced that it is moving and willing it to go quicker and getting more and more frustrated all the time .
Do you know what bugs me technology - computers actually try to be helpful but they are not - take for instance when you are filling your email address in on a form and you don't want your first name to begin with a capital letter what does it do when I hit the full stop it changes my first name into beginning with a capital letter, time and time again , it's like your best friend trying to be nice by putting sauce on yiur chips when you don't want any aaargghh

Talking of technology -'Aliens - I think they are already here in the form of mobile phones- it won't be long before mobile phones are dating , at night clubs they'll scan other phones thatbthey fancy and have conversations across the room with other phones and order drinks by messaging bar staff with flirty texts , your mobile phone will have more fun than you will , mobile phones will have sex by laying on top of each other and breeding and we will be over run with baby mobiles and when they leave the club your phone will call itself a taxi -you'll get phone condoms so that they can have safe sex.

When did all this number one and number two language start when talking about going to the loo - God knows what foreigners must think of it or do they the same system in Germany when they are going for a dump they say - just going for a zwei .
Why not have a whole language made up of numbers -like bingo - number 4 going to work - number 11 put put out the bins .
We could just speak to each other in numbers why don't you just 16 - well how dare you - you 43 .
And we all know what number sex is - don't we ?

Talking of number twos am I the only one who has a good look when you've been and are wiping your backside - you have a real inspection -maybe I'm the only one who does that and be careful not to get any unnecessary on the carpet.
In public toilets don't you think it amazing that we all put our bums on the same seats .

Do you know what I did the other day I was putting one of them Kagools on with a pocket thing in the middle to fold it up in and I thought wait a minute - there's something in here - started pulling it out wondering what it was -oh yeah it's the coat that I've just been putting in there .

I was in the shower the other day bent over wack - banged my head on the taps havent you ever done that perhaps they should invent something to got over the taps to cushion the blow

This is a true story when I was 14 at school I got hit by a shot put in the side- gods honest truth if it had of hit my head it would if killed me -it still scares me thinking about it- can you imagine what these modern day footballers who roll around when they trip over their own cheque Stubbs - would do
What makes it worse was the blokes name was Rupert- awfully sorry old chap - ones aim was slightly off

Do you know who I feel sorry for them blokes or ladies who spend months writing songs- hours thinking up lyrics and when you hear it you wait for that 10 second instrumental bit and you say I like that bit - I think really they should release micro singles that last for about 10 seconds .We've all got part of a song that you wait the whole song just for one 10 second bit .

My wife likes costa coffee - I think they got the name right there don't you - a glass of warm milk - perhaps you could get a biscuit with it called costa bomb .

After that there's usually a trip to hobbycraft - have you seen the price of wool - I could buy myself a couple of jumpers for the price of a couple of balls of wool .

It got me thinking where will it all stop in 15 to 20 years we'll be going out for a coffee and it will be like two cups of coffee £22 - oh that's very good very reasonable .
A weekend in Eastbourne £6000 oh excellent value - a new car a million pounds -oh that's money well spent .
£100 change oh put it in the charity box .

Talking of snooker , I've always wondered what it would be like to,have away fans - like at football matches.
Player goes to take a pot- Aargh your s**t
, chants of you don't know what your doing , the referees a w***er , singing of not getting to the table - you're not getting to the table. You don't know what you're doing aimed at the referee .

When I was about 14 we used to,play snooker around a mates house- they had a 6ft x3ft table - the room was only a about 8ft X 5ft - they had the stairs coming down into the room - so you had to walk halfway up the stairs to take some shots and they had a miniature cue for some shots as well.

We used to go to the scout Saturday club, held every Saturday funnily enough to play snooker , darts , table tennis .
All in our fashionable clothes , who remembers stay press - you could get them in grey or light blue - I remember taking a shot playing snooker and they ripped right up the thigh .

We used to go to the chippy afterwards 14p a portion now you'd put that amount in the charity pot.
I bought some chips recently and they had six charity pots along the top of the counter and said which one did I want to put it in - I couldn't believe it.
I've also been to places where they've asked me if I wanted the change .

Talking of Chips has anyone noticed the size of the portions in pubs lately - I counted my chips the other day 13 and they weren't even whole ones- is there a potato shortage I don't know about

You know what I wonder sometimes is when you go to the doctors and you have to book in via computer, surname initial - date of birth , what happens if someone has the same name /birthdate , how many questions can they ask before they get to distinguish you from the other person- favourite football team? , favourite colour- how much does it know about you that's what I want to know.

Talking of doctors I know why men don't go to the doctors - well me anyway. I get down there early for a blood test - I always get there early hoping I might get seen before my appointment- I never do then moan that I've been waiting along time when really I haven't , start worrying if it's for blood pressure I tell myself keep calm - relax - I go in have my blood pressure taken - high- make another appointment for two weeks time - start worrying - whole cycle starts again - that's why I don't go if I can help it- doctors surgeries are bad for your health.

I

Thank you just a few muddly observations

I can't say that I am a big fan of stand up comedy and I am certainly no expert.

So, with those caveats, my thoughts are that it seems like these are all starts of ideas that need to be developed and built on . The part that I enjoyed the best was the phones having relationships because you sort of took this odd idea and kept building and growing on to it to talk about phones meeting phones and having phone sex and phone babies . So it sort of went somewhere.

I would advise that you try and develop these nuggets of ideas and build on them, develop them into more detail and see where they take you.

My understanding is that success is also about "finding a voice". And I think developing these ideas in more detail and going on a journey with them may help to work out whether your stand up would be surreal, observational or perhaps more bodily functioned based.

Hope this is of some help.

Thanks for taking the time to respond

You have identified humours topics, but you need brevity and better punchlines. Also start and end on your best stuff. There's a joke section in Critics that might interest you, where people try out individual jokes.

It's always far easier to review stand up, with a video. You can improve brevity by using intonation, visual humour etc.. Best of luck.

There are some nice ideas here but it's too long. Read it aloud and you'll see. The most common criticism of stand-ups is they go on too long - five strong minutes are better than ten minutes with good stuff and not-so-good stuff. I also think the images could be stronger like your friend and the chips.
PS I don't know shit so feel free to tell me to f**k off.

As others have said, some good ideas but they seem too underdeveloped. Keep working at it, chisel it down to the funny.

Re: The mobile phones having relationships with each other. I have seen this idea done as a sketch/scene recently, but I'm not sure where. I feel like it would have been in the sitcom Man Seeking Woman, but from Googling, I can't find anything suggesting which episode it was. So it may have been a different show, or a one-off sketch.