Should it go to a mouseoleum?
Little Mix say they want to be the new Spice Girls. That's it, set your artistic standards high... The new Spice Girls are actually One Direction: in both cases, I'm watching five c**ts... Sorry. I did that joke and an old woman came up to me and said, 'Can you please stop saying One Direction? Bunch of c**ts.'

I think Mexican food gets a bad wrap

I suffer from PND. Since the birth of the royal baby I'm depressed there's another f**king parasite.

I cut a queue in front of Tom Jones today, and he said, "What's new, pushy twat?", which was hilarious. The he kicked me in the balls so, swings and roundabouts.

I'm feeling a bit dizzy.

Do you have vertigo?

No I live just round the corner.

I said, 'Portion of chips - with fish.' - 'Plaice?' - 'Next to the chips.'

I was worried my getting fatter might put my new girlfriend off me.
But after I brought the subject up in an open conversation she confessed she likes me a lot more now I have a few extra Pounds!!!!
So I dumped the money grabbing gold digger!!!!!!

Now that I am on Warfarin medicine, my doctors say I should drink the same amount of alcohol each day.

It's a bit of a struggle but I am managing so far each day to keep up with my Saturday binge quantities.... Hic...

My dad wanks into old socks. I wouldn't mind if he let me take them off first.

Little known fact; If you laid out the entire upper and lower human intestines from end to end you would almost certainly have to go to hospital.

Quote: danphobic @ 28th November 2015, 9:48 PM GMT

Little known fact; If you laid out the entire upper and lower human intestines from end to end you would almost certainly have to go to hospital.

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I love stuff like this. I remember a Kenny Everett (?) gag from my youth, "If all the worms in the world were laid end to end, one of them is bound to wriggle and spoil it"

Here's my addition to the micro-genre: if all the people in China were told to jump at the same time, it would be evidence that their society has not yet escaped the shackles of Communist feudalism.

If you stare at a black-and-white photo of Santa Claus for thirty minutes and then transfer your gaze directly to a white surface, you need a hobby.

I asked Sarah Jessica Parker for a shag with her on top. 'Ride a cock, Horse.'

There was a town meeting discussing whether or not people should be allowed to raise chickens in their own backyard.

The main complaint was against a man who lived near the middle school. Parents were okay with him raising hens, but they were concerned about him exposing their children to his cock.