Quality and quantity, as I say to Grandma after ejaculating, and congratulations to STEVE SUNSHINE for winning. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
4 - 10 - Steve Sunshine
2 - 5 - Gappy
1 - 1 - Darren

Your new subject: FOLK MUSIC (suggested by GAPPY).

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except mongeese.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 4.11.15

Overall Leader Board is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 40 - Gappy
2 - 35 - Scratchyr
3 - 20 - Playfull
4 - 16 - Darren
5 - 10 - Steve Sunshine, Funy HaHa
6 - 5 - Stylee Ting Ting

WANNAGEEK

This is only half-applicable, like saying, 'One Direction are shit-hot.' But this year saw new albums from the UK's most consistent and productive artistes, and 'New Order'. Why does every new New Order movement, sorry moment have to be accompanied by 1,485 compilations, 4,726,173 retrospectives and 6,317,941,583 documentaries? Even the Spice Girls don't get that.

Yo, I'll tell you what you want, and it isn't worth a wank,
So tell me what I want, though it isn't worth a wank,
I'll tell you what you want, it ain't worth just half a wank,
So tell me what I want, I may as well just have a wank,
You wanna, you wanna, I wanna, I wanna, you wanna really
Really really wanna 'Atmosphere'.

If you want the future, you'll get the past,
If you wanna get new stuff, stuff it up your ass,
So just keep wasting your precious dimes,
Put old 'fac's together all the bleedin' time.

I'll tell you what you want, and it isn't worth a wank,
So tell me what I want, though it isn't worth a wank,
You wanna, you wanna, I wanna, I wanna, you wanna really
Really wanna 'Love Will Tear Us Apart'.

If you wanna be f**ked over, you gotta buy 'Temptation' (or 'Lost Sirens'),
Reissues forever, bonus on the end,
If you wanna buy another, you have got to give,
Give us bucks for 'Closer', 'cos that's the way we swizz.

So don't you think you're a twat?

Blue Monday, 'How's It Feels?'
Blue Monday 88 too, is this for real? (It can't be real)
Blue Monday again, fresh for '95.
Beach Buggy's really buggered, that remaster's shite.

Yo, I'll tell you what you want, though it isn't worth a wank,
So tell me what I want, it ain't really worth a wank,
You wanna, you wanna, I wanna, I wanna, you wanna really
Really really wanna remix 'Liar'.

If you wanna be a sucker, you gotta buy 'New Dawn Fades' (or 'Love Less' or 'Mesh'),
This shit lasts forever, f**k 'Where Will It End?'
If you wanna be a f**ker, you have got 'Sunrise',
'Morning Night And Day' and 'All The Way', 'The Him'.

'New Order Story' on DVD, then 'Movement' on CD,
And 'Get Ready' on MP3,
'Face Up', 'Pineapple Face' and 'In A Lonely Place',
We got 'Novelty', three versions, no freebie,
'Lost Sirens' didn't come for free, it was real late, Jeez ,
And 'Colony', or 'Jetstream',
Slam your money down and waste another pound,
Slam your wonga down, we're f**king you around.

If you wanna be f**ked over, you gotta purchase 'Revenge' (the artwork's minge),
Even Electronic, Bad Lieutenant gents,
If you wanna buy some drivel, 'Super Highways' jizz,
Other Two together with some useless pish.

Yer f**ker, yer f**ker - yo, yo, yo, yo...
Slam your money down and waste another pound,
Slam your wonga down, we're f**king you, you clown.
Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh?
Slam your lolly down, you're losing all yer pounds...
Slam yer hard-earned cash down, silly wanker.

TOMO: Greetings, Ana, are you going to the sort of market?

ANA: Yes, I am going to the sort of market, to sell my fruit resembling pears. Good day.

TOMO: No, wait! There is something I wish to say.

ANA: Really? What is it?

TOMO: It's...oh, I am very poor at this, I cannot say what I mean with words. But perhaps this traditional folk song will speak for me. [Sings] You are an indigenous tree that is noted for its attractive foliage. Indeed, your eyes are an untranslatable term for stars seen through mist, and your cheeks are flowers not dissimilar to an orchid. You have put a spell on my heart, you historical shamanistic authority figure with strong connections to the earth, something akin to a European druid. Just to touch your feminine headgear originally worn whilst milking, I would crawl from here to a mid-sized conurbation in the north-west of the country, famous for its industrial mining of iron ore. I love you like the name given to the fattest pupil in a school for 6 to 12 year olds loves a small sweetmeat made from suet, honey and filo pastry, generally eaten around the vernal equinox. I love you like the small furry marsupial whose diet is almost exclusively the leaves of a specific arboreal species in which it makes its home loves an arboreal species best known for providing the home and primary diet of a small furry marsupial. Please be my life partner, sexual provider and domestic helpmeet.

ANA: No.

TOMO: Oh. May I ask why, my gorgeous other sort of flower not dissimilar to an orchid?

ANA: Because you smell like a refined type of guano left by the sunburst birds of the eastern region which, whilst prized as an agricultural fertiliser, has an offensive odour; you are as stupid as the character who had his testes removed as punishment for imprisoning the bees belonging to the mayor of the moon according to local folk lore; and your standing in this settlement is below that of the dirty old woman who is apocryphally supposed to fellate oxen for the amusement of visiting dignitaries.

ANA: Humph, you didn't have to put it so bluntly.

An earnest Folk Singer retuning his guitar and introducing his next number....

" I first encountered this next piece while touring the Meditterranean, tracing the influence of Gypsy rhythms on traditional sea shanties ... None at all, as it turns out ... Goats don't like the water.
I had spent time (plus a sizeable grant) cataloging the effects of North African culture on the twelfth century folk music of the Iberian Peninsula. Ah, Spanish Flamenco!- I can't get enough of it- very moorish.
I heard this song, sung by a young fisherman , tending his nets, on the quay in Napoli. I'm often to be found in the early morning, down by the docks, talking to Sailors, leaning against a wall with the oars.
It takes the form of the eternal lament of the mother, bewailing the loss of social structures on the life of the young... Here is... "Shut Up a Your Face"...

I wrote this little Halloween folk song after picking up a hitch-hiker. It's called: My Way

And Now
The end is near
of that, I'm certain
You silly man
You're going to die
my way.

Regrets, I've had a few,
But butchering you
Won't be one of them
I'll do what I have to do
And see it through
without exemption.

I'll plan each charted course;
Each careful step
along the byway,
And more,
much more than this,
I'll do it my way.

Yes, there'll be a time, if only you knew
When I'll bite off, more than I can chew.
But I'll eat you up, then spit you out
I'll eat you all, in the hall;
And do it my way.

I've loved, I've laughed and cried.
I've had my fill; my share of eating.
And now, as you wail and blubber,
I find it all so amusing.

To think I'll do all that;
And may I say - not in a shy way,
"Oh no, oh no not me,
I'll eat you my way".

Alex Mahon.
Facebook Events pages. Taking all the fun out of stalking.

Michael's observations really connected with me (you should try liking The Fall if you want to know about low quality (re)releases), but I'm going to give Darren the vote, because his was about folk music specifically.

Sorry, I seem to have been choosing tough themes recently, I'll try to make my next one nice and generic.

Gappy wins the bet for getting "shamanistic" in there, somehow. But very professional, as always.

Darren was funny.

Alex Mahon is joint winner for me, because his was accessible to all ages. And I am planning to be all ages.

Michael wins because,

"This is only half-applicable, like saying, 'One Direction are shit-hot.'"

is the funniest line in this thread (for me), and he slipped a rude word under the radar. But I think that piece needs to be seen rather than read.

Tough one! All four entries good in very different ways.

Michael - puts so much work in and I could feel his pain.

Gappy - terrific, surprising and clever use of language (as usual).

Darren - Nice little story, with a proper punch line!

Alex - topical and very disturbing but in a good way (i think).

I have to go for GAPPY

Quote: Nick Nockerty @ 5th November 2015, 5:49 PM GMT

But I think that piece needs to be seen rather than read.

View original

Song parodies are 36 times funnier when seen / heard than just read. I calulated.
Voting still open...

Quote: Nick Nockerty @ 5th November 2015, 5:49 PM GMT

Alex Mahon is joint winner for me,

View original

You have to only choose one, otherwise Michael's scoring system goes crazy - how many fingers do you think he has?

Gappy gets my vote, with Darren a close second.

I think my body clock must have been put off kilter by the change to GMT, as I managed to miss the deadline again. Here's the part finished effort I would have submitted, if only I could tell the time.

Ext. Cotswold village Summer fete.

Two stereotypical folk musicians, Jerry and Pete, walk off stage and in to the wings. A small audience can be heard booing in the background.

Pete: Woah, man, that was harsh!

Jerry: Well, Karl knows my stance on electronics in the band.

Pete: Seriously? Don't you think you over reacted somewhat?

Jerry: Nope! Dylan was wrong in '65 and Karl was wrong today. There's no place for electronics in folk, and I certainly ain't gonna stand for it in, The Spinning Jerrys.

Pete: You're totally crazy. Karl is not Bob Dylan, this is not the Newport Folk Festival, and your actions were not cool man!

Jerry: So the Lower Swell Summer Fayre may not carry the cachet of Newport, but the principle remains the same. Karl's been in the band long enough to know that The Spinning Jerrys are all about authenticism and staying true to tradition. He chose to ignore that today, he brought electronics on to my stage, and he has to accept the consequences.

Pete: Maybe, but what happen to The Spinning Jerrys also being all about pacifism and nonviolent protest too? I'd hardly describe what you just did to Karl as passive resistance!

Jerry: I'm sorry Pete, but the second he went electric, Karl just had to go. Okay, so maybe I could've handled things a little differently...

Pete: ...Yah think! Yeah - I don't know - maybe you could have simply sacked him, or disbanded The Spinning Jerrys even? Was it really necessary to use the blunt end of your mandolin to rip out his pacemaker?

I vote for Kasm

I'll go for Darren for that last line.

Closing a tad early for reasons I won't bore you with.