I liked the cheerleader joke. The premise/punchline of the Australia and Alice In Wonderland jokes were good as well but could maybe tighten up the wording a bit.

Here are my efforts from this week:

BREAKING NEWS:

1. After his original wishlist was leaked online, Quentin Tarantino has said he was happy with the eventual Pulp Fiction cast but remains disappointed not to find an editor that could put the scenes in the right order.

2. Buzz Aldrin has announced plans to colonise Mars. He'll then be invading a Galaxy and attacking the Milky Way before finishing off the rest of the Celebrations.

3. Disney have been filming a new TV series in Warrington after the location manager misheard a request for somewhere "alluring with soul", instead ending up with a boring shithole.

VIEWJACK:

1. Apparently, Alzheimer's Disease could be infectious. Can't remember who I picked that up from...

2. Just seen Lewis Hamilton's new haircut. I heard his motto is "Live fast, dye blonde".

3. If Paula Radcliffe isn't guilty, why is she still on the run?

Thanks, appreciate the feedback - I thought the Mario one was my best one as well. I enjoyed the Corbyn's wives and local pub one, not sure I got the Wonga reference though?

It's really useful to know that those one liners didn't land so thanks, as two relied on knowing a reference and one was a bit of a leap. In Alice in Wonderland she grows after eating a cake decorated with "Eat Me", and "I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind" are lyrics to an Elton John song. With the last one the joke was that no one knows what any of that means, so meant to be a misdirect from "going to send us straight to the welfare office (or whatever)" to straight to Google all those words to find out what they mean. It's good to know these didn't quite work.

Here we go, have a look at this week's failures:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. The Conservatives warn that Jeremy Corbyn shouldn't be got wet, exposed to bright light or fed after midnight.

2. David Cameron has flown to visit refugees in the Lebanon. Presumably to show them how much worse it could be.

3. The SNP promises that independence referendums will be held every year, until they win one.

VIEWSJACK:
1. I see Elton John wants talks with Vladimir Putin. They should get on well, they both like hunting bears.

2. Had to book next week off work. It's my turn to be Prime Minister of Australia.

3. Staff at the swimming pool have gone on strike. If they do it again next year they'll have to wear armbands.

ONELINERS

BREAKING NEWS

Whitney Houston hologram embarks on World Tour, One Direction Cyborgs still plan on disbanding next year.

Arnold Schwarzenegger to replace Donald Trump on Celebrity Apprentice, who replaces Jeb Bush on Republican ticket, fourth Horseman of the Apocalypse stays where he is.

Skydiver completes Rubiks Cube before parachute opens, reaches level 968 on Candy Crush Saga while floating down, given vicious wedgie by other skydivers on landing.

VIEWSJACK

WOMAN: " Harper Lee's crime novel still unfinished after 40 years- Jessica Fletcher solves hers after 50 minutes while still appearing occasionally on Broadway!"

LONDONER (or Liverpudlian): "The 'Glasgow/Manchester Express'- the 'most overcrowded' train? Is it the same people going back and forth, not wanting to get off at either?"

MAN: "Nick Grimshaw says 'nobody's gonna give you a job because you know Harry Styles' - well if they accuse you of knowing him at the interview, just lie!"

I feel so sorry for the Newsjack readers this week.

Hi,

I missed the submissions this week but, I'd be grateful if someone could critique the following BREAKING NEWS one liners so I can get some guidance for future episodes:

1. The card game bridge is hoping to be included in the next Olympics. Officials are also considering tiddly winks & scrabble.

2. Volkswagen have recalled thousands of cars after their recent rigging scandal. Reports have claimed that Herbie has gone bananas.

Thanks for reading and I look forward to your help.

All the best,

Jason.

Quote: Jason Simmons @ 22nd September 2015, 1:20 PM BST

1. The card game bridge is hoping to be included in the next Olympics. Officials are also considering tiddly winks & scrabble.

2. Volkswagen have recalled thousands of cars after their recent rigging scandal. Reports have claimed that Herbie has gone bananas.

View original

I wrote a joke almost identical to the first one but didn't end up submitting it as I thought a few people would go with the same idea. Glad I didn't now!

I like the idea in the second one but the set-up doesn't really work.

Quote: Glauber Berti @ 17th September 2015, 10:00 PM BST

1. Apparently, Alzheimer's Disease could be infectious. Can't remember who I picked that up from...

3. If Paula Radcliffe isn't guilty, why is she still on the run?

View original

These are funny, brief and topical. But way too obvious in my view. The Warrington one doesn't work, although I can understand why you'd want it to.

Quote: Nick Nockerty @ 22nd September 2015, 3:34 PM BST

These are funny, brief and topical. But way too obvious in my view.

View original

Agreed, they're a bit hack. In the first week, I think I tried to be too clever and got nothing on so maybe I was subconsciously looking for some easy pickings for episode 2 (and still got nothing on!)

I really, really wanted that Warrington one to work but just couldn't get the wording right. In hindsight, I should probably have cut it for something else.

BREAKING NEWS:

1. Bargain hunt host dismisses claims of bullying as "ancient history."

2. Banning bagpipes at Rugby world cup defended as in line with tackling rule changes on preventing head injuries.

3. Tory party says pig gate rumours "not kosher."

VIEWJACK:

1. If Obama felates a pig will that mean americans will finally believe he's not a muslim?

2. Do the pig­gate revelations mean Black Rod will be renamed to black pudding ?

3. Does pig­gate mean Cameron will be made a lard when he retires?

Bit rushed this week. Any opinions on these?

"Dr. Clarkson Will See You Now" -from last week.

INTRO: With Google planning to increase production of their 'self-driving' car- how soon before improved A.I leads to A.E. "Artificial Emotions", where new self-driving models become too 'self aware' and start 'self- harming'...
The 'self-warming' butter knife only came on the market this week, but already, one, depressed by its inability to spread butter evenly, has tried to slash its own throat. The attempt foiled by it not having a throat and it's basic crapness at any cutting type action. Sadly, it went on to over-heat itself, melt through the cutlery draw and fall down into the rubbish bin.
Here's what may happen in a local mechanic's in the future...

1.MECHANIC: Hello again, so, park yourself over the pit and pull on your handbrake...

FX SOUND OF CAR AWKWARDLY DRIVING FORWARD AND STOPPING.

2. MECHANIC: Try to relax and tell me how you've been feeling this week...

3. CAR ( voice of Kit from Nightrider): I feel like I'm barely ticking over, idling in neutral, like I'm going round in circles...

4. MECHANIC: Well, that's the M25 for you.

5. CAR: I feel... Like there's somebody else completely, trapped inside me trying to get out...

6. MECHANIC: Do you think it might be a middle aged call centre manager from Milton Keynes?

7. CAR: ...Yes!

8. MECHANIC: That's your owner, you 've locked him in.

9. CAR: Look, do you think you could get me back out on the road by next Tuesday week? I've gotta take him down to the wife's mother in Torquay....

10. MECHANIC: Ooh... Ah... Tut tut... There's no 'easy fix' with the 'talking cure' you see... I could keep you coming round here every week, at silly money per hour, tinkering away under your bonnet, for months... Years!!

11. CAR : Do you think it's my id or super-ego, or is the problem with the transmission?

12. MECHANIC: You've been reading those 'self-help car manuals' again!

13. CAR: I don't want another breakdown!

14. MECHANIC : Let's talk about what lead you to drive yourself into that garage and keep your engine running. Tragedy only averted by the self-closing garage door refusing to shut...

15. CAR: I was worried I was stuck in the slow lane with new models overtaking me...

16. MECHANIC: Ah I'm begin to see your problem! You're an 'automatic', yes?

17.CAR: Yes?

18. MECHANIC: I think you might be suffering from 'gear stick envy'!...

Quote: talltaz @ 25th September 2015, 4:14 PM BST

BREAKING NEWS:

1. Bargain hunt host dismisses claims of bullying as "ancient history."

2. Banning bagpipes at Rugby world cup defended as in line with tackling rule changes on preventing head injuries.

3. Tory party says pig gate rumours "not kosher"

Bit rushed this week. Any opinions on these?

View original

Erm, they're not jokes. There are some jokes that are slow burners, but these may take years to defrost. Sorry. Just be more obvious!

Also, where does kosher come in?

Quote: Darren hoskins @ 26th September 2015, 7:56 AM BST

"Dr. Clarkson Will See You Now" -from last week.

INTRO: With Google planning to increase production of their 'self-driving' car- how soon before improved A.I leads to A.E. "Artificial Emotions", where new self-driving models become too 'self aware' and start 'self- harming'...

...

18. MECHANIC: I think you might be suffering from 'gear stick envy'!...

View original

I liked the joke-to-lines ratio and thought the sketch itself had a great feel - but the premise feels convoluted and slightly over-explained. If there was a cleaner way of getting to the idea in the intro then it would be much improved. I don't think the butter knife stuff adds anything - there's definitely a better joke out there to get you to the start of the sketch! Just my thoughts :-D

talltaz bit too heavy on the piggy theme.

Quote: Paul Wimsett @ 26th September 2015, 8:23 AM BST

Erm, they're not jokes. There are some jokes that are slow burners, but these may take years to defrost. Sorry. Just be more obvious!

Also, where does kosher come in?

View original

Because pork isn't kosher, you know a joke's funny when you have to explain it.

Quote: Nick Nockerty @ 28th September 2015, 10:47 AM BST

talltaz bit too heavy on the piggy theme.

View original

Thanks both for the feedback!