Hi Guys I want to try some new stand up material any feedback is welcome:-
Well good evening ladies and gents its nice to be here, for a starters it keeps me away from the fridge for the night.
I am trying to loose weight though, I got some of those Slim fast Milkshake things, I lasted 2 days, I picked the wrong week to start a diet when Tesco had an offer on for Hollands pies at 50p.
No in all seriousness I knew my weight was starting to be a problem when I kept getting moved on in George at Asda if I stopped my trolley near the Slim Fit Clothes.
But I have to shop there as Ive run out of XX's in Primark... so the next shop im going to is the tent section at Go-Outdoors.
In my day job I have to wear a shirt and tie but its got to the point when I lean forward I look like an overstuffed cushion, If I breathe out or sneeze there's a good chance several people will get hurt by a run away Shirt Button.
It doesn't help that ive just come back from an All Inclusive Holiday in Majorca, for a fat guy like me its like you've died and gone to Heaven. No in all seriousness you can't beat a good Holiday Abroad it just got a bit embarrassing when they weighed me rather than my suitcase.
I went with my sister and my nephew, he's only four so he was in and out of the pool all the time. He's uncle key mad so I spent most of my time in the shallow end of the pool like I was filming a remake of Free Willy.
He had one of them water Guns that all kids have. There the new form of babysitter for all inclusive in Majorca this year, buy your kids one of these and you can sit all day by the bar and leave your little brats to run amock an squirt the fat guy that can't move out the way in one of the resorts 4 pools.
Parents treat the pool like a crèche, drop the kids off at 6am with the towels to grab the sunbeds while they nurse the hangover from the night before and collect the kids when the bar shuts by the pool at 6pm.
My nephews got water squirt gun got pinched one day , while his mum went to buy a new one, I became Columbo going on the search for it, found the culprit and redeemed the said gun. Marching back chest puffed out, you can imagine it ladies like a stream lined David Hasslehoff but turning stomachs not heads proudly displayed the retrieved water gun.
I attempted to re-enter the shallow pool putting my left leg in first only to find my knee to give in and creating a new wave pool in the shallow end, one poor girl ended up in Ibiza!
We didn't do foreign holidays when I was a kid , we got took to Butlins every year. Has anyone ever been to Butlins?. Butlins sells its self on the fact that once your in everything is free. That suited my Dad.
My Dads ace he's like a real life Jim Royle. I used to joke that if he was born in roman times his name would have been tight-us cramp-us.
Now the thing about my dad is he could turn his hand to anything, he had no specific training for, if something broke rather pay for someone to fix it he would do himself.
Did anybody else's dad use a tea knife as a screwdriver? . This tool of the gods was used every time an appliance broke in our house. No matter what he 'fixed' there was always some pieces or screws etc left over.
In my mums kitchen to this day is the messy draw, next to the cutlery housing various bits and pieces ' just in case' there needed.
My Dad loved the Whoopsie ailse in Supermarkets, he actually became a trained Bargain Sniper at Tesco near him, timing it just right to buy a loaf at a reduced price. I lost count of how many times he would come back playing his role to the hills of Hunter-Gatherer for the family... look at this Tiger loaf only 5p.. yeh but dad we don't eat tiger loaf, in fact I don't even now what one is... plus look its rock hard I could throw it at the wall and it would bounce back its that stale.
Theres no such thing as stale bread your just once step closer to toast!
