More hilarity ashag so congratulations to TIGGY and DARREN for winning. PM me with a subject apiss for next wank please.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
2 - 10 - Darren, Tiggy
5 - 1 - Bushbaby, Playfull
Speckled mention: Me

Your new subject: SOCIAL NETWORK.

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except voles.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 14.6.15

Overall Leader Board is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 30 - Darren
2 - 10 - Tiggy
3 - 2 - 5 - Gappy, me
4 - 1 - Bushbaby, Playfull

SHOPKEEPER: Excuse me, sir, you can't do that.

CUSTOMER: I'm not doing anything, am I?

SHOPKEEPER: Not yet. You're about to. You're about to touch a peach.

CUSTOMER: Of course. I want to see if they're ripe.

SHOPKEEPER: Well you can't. Not yet, anyway.

CUSTOMER: You're not telling me I can't touch this peach unless I buy it, surely.

SHOPKEEPER: Oh, no, sir, that would be ridiculous. But you can't touch the fruit until you like it.

CUSTOMER: Like it?

SHOPKEEPER: Like it, sir, yes. Access to this content requires a like.

CUSTOMER: Content? You mean the fruit?

SHOPKEEPER: The content. And yes, this particular content is fructile, as it happens. And it has like-dependent access rights.

CUSTOMER: But, how do I know whether I like it? That's why I'm going to touch it, to see whether I like it.

SHOPKEEPER: Oh, I wouldn't overthink it, sir. It's not a test. You simply like the content -

CUSTOMER: Fruit.

SHOPKEEPER: - Then you access the content -

CUSTOMER: The fruit.

SHOPKEEPER: And then you go about deciding whether or not you actually want it, to your heart's content.

CUSTOMER: Fruit!

SHOPKEEPER: Sorry, sir?

CUSTOMER: Oh, sorry, nothing. But, wait, this is nonsense, it's all back to front. How can I make a qualitative judgement about fruit I'm not allowed to experience?

SHOPKEEPER: As I say, sir, you're overcomplicating the issue.

CUSTOMER: It's like marrying a girl so you can ask her name

SHOPKEEPER: A rather old-fashioned standpoint, if I may make so bold.

CUSTOMER: Is it?

SHOPKEEPER: Oh, yes.

CUSTOMER: Alright. Well, err, how do I go about liking this peach, then?

SHOPKEEPER: Just tell everyone you like it.

CUSTOMER: But that will be wrong.

SHOPKEEPER: Potentially wrong, sir. Don't cloud the issue with exaggerations. And I wouldn't worry about it, sir, everyone knows you don't mean it.

CUSTOMER: What's the point of doing it then?

SHOPKEEPER: Because this content requires a

CUSTOMER: [Joining in] like - yes, I see. OK. " I like the peaches". Is that enough?

SHOPKEEPER: Not exactly, sir. You have to do it so that everyone can hear, otherwise it has no value as a statement.

CUSTOMER: You already said it has no value as a statement!

SHOPKEEPER: Oh, no. I said it wasn't true, that's quite a different thing. Have another go.

CUSTOMER: [Loudish] I like the peach.

SHOPKEEPER: I think you can do better than that.

CUSTOMER: [Shout] I like the peach!

SHOPKEEPER: Very good, sir. Now, you may access the content to the limits of your giddy, breathless wishes.

CUSTOMER: You mean, I can touch the peach?

SHOPKEEPER: Yes.

CUSTOMER: [Beat] Oh.

SHOPKEEPER: Going so soon, sir?

CUSTOMER: Yes. These peaches are vastly over-ripe and - look - this one has a huge bruise.

SHOPKEEPER: Never mind. Perhaps you'd like to try our greengages.

CUSTOMER: No, I don't think so.

SHOPKEEPER: I think you'll find you want to buy our greengages, sir.

CUSTOMER: Why's that?

SHOPKEEPER: Over 800 people like them.

CUSTOMER: Ooh, must be good then. I'll take a dozen.

BACEFOOKED

As of 12.69 Greenwich Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaann Time, on this day, whatever the f**k it is, in accordance with the new Facebook regulations on privacy and intellectual property, I do most soulmanly declare:
1. I give Facebook and any associations associated with Facebook permission to use my pictures, information, and posts, both past and future. The fact I'm on Facebook in the first place means I'd take a selfie while having a shit in the morning - bit late to worry about privacy innit. It's a bit like Victoria Beckham going, 'Bugger, if anyone finds out I'm shagging a footballer...'
2. A photo of my cat farting constitutes 'intellectual' property.
3. A 'friend' is someone who used to kick my head in at school. I am blessed with 6,493 such friends, which is why I sit in front of a computer every night.
4. The word 'Maybe' is English for 'F**k off, I'd rather listen to Justin Bieber than attend another of your f**king shit events - if you can call three balding losers watching football and slurping cans of warm Heineken an 'event'.'
5. Faced with a delicious slap-up meal in a restaurant, my first reaction is not to eat it but take a f**king photo of it.
6. Faced with a photo of someone else's slap-up meal, my first reaction is not to delete it but to gush, 'Stop it - it's making me huuunnngggrrryyyy!'
7. The Internet is a source of wisdom, information and pics of Cameron Diaz' pokies, so I shall use it wisely and post anecdotes like, 'Overheard in the supermarket this morning: 'Did you buy the cheese?' - 'No, I couldn't find it.' - 'Don't worry, we can get some cheese in another supermarket later.''
8. When some ugly bastard changes its profile photo and looks even less shagworthy than in the last one, I shall write, 'You look AWESOME.'

A Little Poem About Facebook Posts.
(written in the style of a facebook post!)

READ IF YOU MUST!
Read if you must, my stupid rhyme,
Posted on here to waist your time,
But whilst reading this post,
Your life's slipping away,
and when you have finished,
you'll stop and say,
Why did I read that?
what was the reason?
Have I gone insane,
Is it crazy season!
Why did I read it?
why did I look?
and then you'll realise,
its because of Facebook,
It's not my fault,
you'll proudly boast,
I like to go on here,
and read everyone's post's,
But can it be true that our lives depend,
on reading the postings that everyone sends?
Your friends "Doing their ironing" or "Going to the loo",
is this really something, so important to you?
So they had a great night in their local bar,
Drunk to much wine, and went a little to far!
And they post it on Facebook, is that really right?
If there really your friends,
where was your invite?
Our Facebook friends
we know so much about,
But most we don't speak to, or ever see out,
So is Facebook good,
are we onto a winner,
by knowing what a stranger
has just had for dinner?
Or should we all just stop posting,
and say Facebook is over.
Maybe we should all give this up, for "Stoptober"?
So to finish this appraisal, I just like to say,
We'll all look back and laugh
at us doing this one day!
So read If you must, my stupid rhyme,
But haven't you something better, to do with your time?

I vote for Gappy. I spent some time trying to write a sketch about Harold Pinter on Pinterest. Blah...I do get put off by rhymes before I read them, especially in long lumps without pauses. -did like it though.

I vote for Michael Monkhouse. I think with a bit more work you have a 10 minute stand up routine there.

Quote: Darren hoskins @ 15th June 2015, 10:02 AM BST

I spent some time trying to write a sketch about Harold Pinter on Pinterest.

View original

That concept sounds funny, although I've no idea how it would work.

Voting Mikey Monkey, though the poem was close 2nd.

Funy haha not funy strange
Took a lot of thought writing that poem

Quote: playfull @ 15th June 2015, 11:39 AM BST

I vote for Michael Monkhouse. I think with a bit more work you have a 10 minute stand up routine there.

View original

Ha! Yeah, some of these ideas I do in stand-up too.
Enjoyed the pome and Darren's inspiration, but ultimately Gappy.

FunnyStrange Not Ha Ha for me this week. Lots of commas. I like lots of commas.

hank you Bushbaby, thank you Tiggy I love Coommas! lol

I vote Bushbaby, or if I have to use her pen name FunyHaHa.

Nick I am Bushbaby and do not go under any other name on here.

I'm FunyHaHa if you don't mind!!!!

Quote: bushbaby @ 16th June 2015, 3:17 PM BST

Nick I am Bushbaby and do not go under any other name on here.

View original

I was referring to your mutual love of poetry. You both appear to have a nack.