We're all officially one year closer to death now. Happy New Year!
Next year I want EVERYONE to give money to Africa - because I believe that if everyone gives a little to Africa we really can put an end to the 'Do They Know It's Christmas?' single.
Meanwhankle, congratulations to GAPPY for winning. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
2 - 10 - Gappy
1 - 5 - Tiggy
Special mention: me

Your new subject: TEENAGERS.

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except voles.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 10.1.15

Overall Leader Board is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 32 - Gappy
2 - 20 - Tiggy
3 - 16 - Hart
4 - 10 - Craig H
5 - 7 - Otterfox
6 - 5 - Darren Hoskins
7 - 1 - Pugsmith

MAN: So, it's pretty straightforward: there are some biscuits in this cupboard here, you can watch whatever you like on telly, and just keep things ticking over.

GIRL: [Late teen, with glassy-eyed voice (it so does make sense, be quiet), sweet but, frankly, dim] Oh, okay, sure thing.

MAN: Great. He has his milk at about seven.

GIRL: Yeah, cool...wait, who does?

MAN: The baby.

GIRL: Oh, yeah, right, the baby, yeah.

MAN: Fine. So, we'll be back about half eleven, but if you have any problems, here's the number.

GIRL: Back? So, like, you're going, like, away?

MAN: Yes.

GIRL: Like, away away?

MAN: Yes. If I weren't going anywhere, why would I need a babysitter?

GIRL: Like, I don't know...maybe you have a brother.

MAN: Right, can I just check, how many times have you done babysitting before?

GIRL: Like, loads. Well, not really at all, but I've seen all the babysitting films.

MAN: Are there babysitting films?

GIRL: Oh, totally - I saw them on my Dad's internet history. Tons of them, and I could totally do that. Look, I brought my own lollipop, I can lick it just right, slurp slurp.

MAN: Oh! I'd rather you didn't do that.

GIRL: And I got this skirt made specially, look, it just comes right off when you flick this toggle - whoop!

MAN: Yes, very good workmanship. Erm, I, err, I think it would be best if you...

GIRL: But, you know, if we have to feed a baby and everything it will be awkward, because what if it starts crying at the bit when I have my legs up like this?

MAN: Don't do that! Please, don't do that! Oh...OK, you did that. So. Well, please put your feet back on the ground...great, thanks, and and and and if you don't mind remove the lolly from...that's it, that's better. Right, now, I have to tell you, I'm afraid, you have the wrong idea about how babysitting works, those films were...quite misleading.

GIRL: Really? I'm, like, sorry.

MAN: No, that's quite alright. But I think you'd better go.

GIRL: But I could stay, I'll try ever so hard.

MAN: Look, no offence, you mean well, I'm sure, but you don't know the first thing about babysitting.

GIRL: I could still have a go.

MAN: No! 'm not going to leave my infant son with you. That stuff you've seen in the films is not actually what a babysitter does.

GIRL: Oh.

MAN: And besides, if you're doing that thing with the lolly the whole time, when are you going to get round to solving all the crimes?

PERIODICALLY CHALLENGED

HOW TO SHOW PEOPLE YOU'RE HAVING A PERIOD

1. Be prepared. Make sure everyone can see the blood on the back of your pants. Carry around pads or tampons, or both for extra fun, in a transparent bag. If you want, just get a Ziplock baggie and colour it with a Sharpie. Keep the bag close to moisture so the marker might run.

2. Hang around dogs. When you're on your period, dogs sniff your butt and flange more than anything else. It's like they know.

3. Tell everyone. If you tell people, there's a chance a gossip is listening. To encourage this, never shut up about it.

4. Wear no pants. Should your tampie leak, the blood might be concealed if you wear pants, especially dark navy blue or black ones. If you must wear panties, choose light colours or red. If you pick a shade of red that's identical to the colour of your blood, the blood will show, because the pants are a lighter or darker shade than blood.

5. Don't control yourself. The evidence just leaked! Hurrah! You just felt a wet spot touch the outside of your flaps. To help blood leak all over the place, stand up and shout, "Hey gang, I'm riding the cotton pony and the crimson wave and the red river, got the painters and decorators in, Arsenal are playing at home this week, the bearded clam's dripping tomato juice, the tomato soup's brimming over, I'm on the blob in leak / shark week." Let the spot line up with your shoes, but this only works if you never wash your shoes and are wearing white ones. Then sit down so it can leak everywhere. Standing up will expose the area to air, letting it dry.

Teenagers

Alice: Do you remember when we were teenagers
Barbara: God things were different back then
Remember when we went dancing, foxtrot tango quickstep eh with the young fellas.
Alice:That was amazing
And Remember when we had legs
Barbara: Yes
Alice: I loved that dancehall.Remember when we always used to make our excuses and go together to the ladies.
Barbara: Yes
Alice: We don't do that anymore do we Barbara.
Barbara: No need now we're doubly incontinent. Hahaha
Alice: Yes the teenage years were the best of our lives.
Remember when we listened to pop music
Barbara:And our tits didn't hang below our bellys
Alice: Yes I remember when I had tits
Barbara: Oh yes I forgot you had those removed.
Remember when we knew peoples names
Alice: What before they all died.
Barbara: Yes.
Alice I hate teenagers just wait until they get old like us.
Barbara:How old are you?
Alice: 27.
Barbara: Its been a hard life
Alice: Yes.

INT. DAY. SUPERMARKET.

TWO LADIES ARE PUSHING THEIR TROLLIES AND INADVERTANTLY CRASH INTO EACH OTHER.

LADY 1:
Oh I am sorry.....Polly Broom! As I live and breathe! And what's your name?

LADY 2:
Susan, Susan Delaney. I do apologise.

POLLY:
No problem at all, at all. No problem there whatsoever. So just give me €50 for the shock and I'll be on my way. Wait a minute Susan? Delaney? Susa Delane? Sus Del? Su De?

SUSAN:
Yes that's me whatever number of syllables you wish to use. And you're Polly... Broom?

POLLY:
Yes, yes of course I am. The Groggy Goose? The Honeycomb Man? Wavy, wavy blending Davy, remember?

POLLY LAUGHS.

SUSAN (CONFUSED):
Um....

POLLY:
The Green Gayo? Remember and then I got into radio.

SUSAN:
Ahem, yes you work in radio.

POLLY:
No. I climbed into the giant radio in college but I was wearing all that jewellery and spent two days stuck to the speaker. Remember they thought I'd never recover. Remember? (angry) REMEMBER!!?

SUSAN (SHOCKED):
Yes, yes of course.

POLLY:
Ah it's great catching up like this. And how are Jack and Emma?

SUSAN:
G-good, very good. Jack is starting secondary school and Emma is great. And how are your ah your...things?

POLLY;
Oh he's fine, fine, fine, fine, fine. Eight years. Can you believe it?

SUSAN:
He's eight already, where does the time go.

POLLY:
No, no. Come on now you know this. It feels like eight years but he's actually fifteen.

SUSAN:
Of course it's just that I haven't seen him in...ahem...ever.

POLLY:
Thanks for asking. He has my heart broke. He hates his vegetables. I caught him setting fire to a bag of carrots last week. He shoots cabbage with a spud gun and now he's trying to devise a sort of cabbage gun to shoot at potatoes, cabbage revenge I suppose. You know what teenagers are like.

SUSAN:
Y-yes he is at that age I suppose. What you could-

POLLY INTERRUPTS.

POLLY:
-And I say it to him. I say Willard Broom-Barnaby stop being mean to the vegetables or stop waltzing with the cat or get your legs out of the freezer. I don't know where we got him? Why Susa Delane why would he be acting out like that? Why? WHYYY??? TELLLLL MEEEE!!!!!

SUSAN (SHOCK/WORRY):
Oh my God! You don't know where you got him!? You are by far and away the strangest person I've ever met to the point where it's taking me all my time to not run screaming in the opposite direction. And why is he acting out!? Maybe if you gave him a proper name he may be some way normal. But with you for a mother and when you give him a name that sounds like a Victorian butcher the poor boy was doomed from the start.

LONG BEAT.

POLLY(SINISTER):
Well now...now, now, now. Now what a turn things have taken there. Oh my, that's drastic. A drastic turn of events. How long have we known each other now and that's how you treat me.

SUSAN:
I've never met you before in my life!

POLLY (sinister tone):
Who are you talking to then? I think you are the psycho of this piece. Now set your eyes to blind as they're about to get a Fanta'in!

SUSAN:
A what?

POLLY:
A Fanta'in; Fanta in; I'm going to spray Fanta in them. Hold on there 'til I shake them a bit first.

SUSAN:
No!

VOICE OVER TANNOY:
Could a member of hygiene please go to the mineral - no could a member of security please- actually could a mem-could a- can we get the army to the mineral lane please?...Now!!

POLLY:
Oh my tonsil! That was my favourite tonsil you know! Know me, know me now won't you. Now you know me...aaaahhh.....At least you know me now...

SUSAN:
I have no clue who you are.

SECURITY:
Take this mentalist away boys.

POLLY:
Aaaaaaahhhhh......

SUSAN (TO HERSELF):
What the hell was that!? Polly Broom? Polly Br- Polly BROOM! Oh God I do know her! Wait!

SECURITY:
Yes?

SUSAN:
I do know-

POLLY STARTS MAKING INCOHERANT YELPING SOUNDS.

SUSAN:
No nevermind. As you were.

END.

Two school boys, HARRY AND TIM, sit in Harrow-esque uniforms waiting at the bustop. An elderly man sits on one side of them, a 'hoody' on the other.

C/U of just Harry and Tim...

TIM: Sup blood. You look totally, like, bereft.

HARRY: Bruv, I'm in a state of consternation.

TIM: Ah, the fair and alluring whore Freya?

HARRY: I wanna to shank myself man. She's Helen of Troy and I (pause) I am Paris. Our adventures are bound by the stars to end in my demise. She's a totes bitch, hashtag "still floats my boat but wish she didn't"

THE ELDERLY MAN AND THE 'HOODY' TEENAGER EXCHANGE A GLANCE OF MUTUAL BEWILDERMENT

TIM: You've got Rugger trials coming up Harry. That scrum half position is yours, don't let her bust your balls. If you're going to shank anyone, shank Freya. Put her in the ground dude, but don't do it in History.

HARRY: Why?

TIM: We're studying the Incas at the mo. Enchanting stuff.

HARRY: It's ok I wrote a song to get it out of my system. If you tell anyone dear friend, I'll pop a cap in your touche. I'll bury you the f**k alive.

TIM: Relax yo totes get it - music is cathartic, a conduit. It'll stop you saying something fatuous to Freya, or beating her face. 'don't do time, spit the rhyme'

CUT WIDER: BOTH THE ELDERLY MAN AND THE HOODY TEENAGER HAVE THEIR HEAD IN THEIR HANDS.

HARRY: So true Tim. Ok here goes - you've got to imagine a sick house beat behind it though yeh?

HARRY COMPOSES HIMSELF, AND STARTS SPEAKING THE WORDS IN THE FORM OF A SLOW RAP.

HARRY: "Yesterday yo. All my troubles seemed in the distance"

TIM: Wouldn't 'far away' be better blood. I mean, it rhymes?

HARRY: Oh nice, thanks. OK, "Yesterday yo, all my troubles seemed so far away. Now, because of a blood suckin bitch, it looks as though they're sticking around. Oh I believe, in yesterday. yo.

BOTH THE ELDERLY MAN AND THE HOODY TEENAGER EXCHANGE A HEARTFELT SMILE. THE BUS STARTS TO ARRIVE.

TIM: So close bruv, so close to sick. See, no need to shank anyone! Gimme 5 you daft egg...

WIDER: AS HARRY AND TIM 'HIGH 5', THE ELDERLY MAN AND THE HOODY TEENAGER STAB EACHOTHER THEN JUMP IN FRONT OF THE BUS HOLDING HANDS. THEY'RE KILLED INSTANTLY.

THE ALTERNATIVE ADOLESCENT MALE HANDBOOK

1. The fundamental start to being an alternative adolescent male is to be liberal as shit. You encourage all lifestyles: homosexuality, bisexuality, trans/pansexuality, homelessness, addiction, farmer and ghost! You want marijuana legalised despite the fact that you're not allowed to smoke it because it makes you laugh at words like "bender" and "tranny," which really ruins the image you're trying so desperately to project!

2. Lets talk gender- you love gender equality because it helps you talk to the vagina people, who smile with their face vaginas when you mention it. You hate the patriarchy, but you also hate the concept of a matriarchy. What you want, with your easygoing equality beliefs, is a mapatriarchy which can also be referred to interchangeably as a pamatriarchy. Say this at parties, seriously. It shows that you are well informed about gender equality and empathise with women. Also you might get a shag, which is your main goal. Don't actively campaign for the utopian mapa/pamatriarchy though- you wouldn't be able to passively reap the benefits of current society! How stupid would that be?!

3. Buy a large ominous poster of a philosopher and hang it in your bedroom. Preferably Nietzsche because he's a bit different, and thus, ironically, more mainstream. Also, he has a killer moustache, like the one you want to grow so girls might take an interest in you and feel it in the smoking area of a nightclub. Don't worry, you don't have to understand the great ideas of old Nietzsche, just occasionally stare at the poster weeping bitterly. This shows you are emotionally intelligent, which is worth so much more than your actual intelligence quota.

4. Be an -ist: nihilist, socialist, anarchist, any f**king -ist as long as it doesn't begin with the! But we'll get to religion later.

a. Nihilism. Just declare you believe life is meaningless and gaze into the distance, like you're in a music video. If anyone spots this declaration's blatant contrast with the poster buying (I reject all moral and religious principles due to my belief that life is meaningless so I bought this poster of a prominent historical figure who shares my view as though in a contradictory twist I have elected a leader/God figure in my poster purchase and am worshipping a f**king idol) just tell them "that doesn't matter." You're a nihilist, it doesn't!

b. Socialism. Claim to hate capitalism (except at Christmas and birthday) despite having no real world economic experiences. Tell everyone you've read "The Communist Manifesto," despite until recently thinking it was a spell from Harry Potter, when in reality you've watched just enough Russell Brand to get by in a 30 conversation on the topic of socialism. Practice coughing fits to quickly escape anyone who challenges your view! You can't hold your own, you just want to appear alternative!

4. No religion. Not when science is a thing that has conclusively disproved God even though His existence could never be disproved, which is something you need to disregard. Forget compatibilism, that's something for actual intellectuals like Rowan Williams and Fred Hoyle- not you! No, you are a pseudo-intellectual who snorts at religion- no time for dreaded thought. Buy a t-shirt that says, "ATHEIST," or something. You'll look cool. We promise.

5. Finally, only appear to enjoy films that have that "OSCAR" feel. Recommend said films to friends, constantly! Eventually they'll submit and you'll be considered culturally aware and emotionally invested in art. Bawl your eyes out at the end of "Her," the latest Joaquin Phoenix Kleenex pusher because you appreciate original concepts laced with conventional tragedy. Don't go too far down the art house route though as you may end up having come up with your own interpretations! That's inconceivable!

6. Invest in a wheelchair, it'll come in handy when someone loses it and snaps your neck. That's all right though, disability just means more attention for you!

Utterf**ks.

I like Otterfox's, but I feel that the awkwardness of the situation gets a bit lost in his trademark lunacy.

Wills' is very nicely written, but I confess I'm not sure what's happening and why.

Tony Kay for me this week, then.

Otterfox, mainly because of the fanta bit.

Haha! gappy, not sure I understand it either - it was very much 'on the hoof'! ????

I'll go for otterfox, nice work.

Pugsmith for me. It's like the bible for hipsters. How to look like you don't give a shit when you really, really do. Clever ideas with more than a grain of truth to them written in a nicely witty way.

I case no one noticed I'm trying to coment on evey post so my name take the page up! :-)