More fine stuff so congratulations to CRAIG H for winning. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
4 - 10 - Craig H
3 - 5 - Hart
2 - 1 - Otterfox, Gappy
Special mention: Darren Hoskins

Your new subject: CLOCKS (chosen by Gappy).

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except voles.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 3.12.14

Overall Leader Board is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 11 - Gappy
2 - 10 - Craig H
3 - 6 - Otterfox
4 - 5 - Hart, Darren Hoskins

Chairman: Welcome to the opening session of the International Committee for Oral Timekeepers. We are the ghosts in the machine, people think that we are just recordings but we take pride in every call we answer. Telling the time in a monotonous tone. This year we have decided to create a little retrospective of the work of the great Tobias Jones speaking clock from 1930-1992
[cheesy remembrance music] [music stops][guy dressed in smoking jacket and pipe]

Tobias Jones: At the beep it will be Five O'clock
[cheesy remembrance music] [music stops sound of blitz][guy dressed in smoking jacket and pipe]

Tobias Jones: At the beep it will be Five O'clock

[cheesy remembrance music] [music stops][Tobias holding a bottle of whiskey looking at a tape recorder]
Tobias Jones: At the beep it will be Five F**king O'clock do you think they can replace me do you ehh.

[cheesy remembrance music] [music stops][guy dressed in smoking jacket looking at a tape recorder]

Tape recorder voice of Tobias: At the beep it will be Five O'clock

[cheesy remembrance music] [music stops][Tobias attacks the tape recorder with a bat]

Tobias Jones: At the beep it will be Five O'Clock

Chairman: Marvellous stuff.

Mum: What time do you call this?
Son: Dinner Time!
Mum: Ok I Make you something to eat! go sit in your room and play on your computer for hours!

Child Twigs on.

Dad: What time do you call this?
Son: Dinner Time!
Dad Oh Ok I'll cook you something to eat. go sit in front of the tele and don't move for hours!

Nan: What time do you call this?
Son(Grandson) Dinner Time?
Nan: Oh Ok I'll cook you something! go sit in the front room and play on your Gameboy.

Mum: What time do you call This?
Son: Dinner Time!
Mum: Oh Ok I'll cook you something to eat! go back a sit down and play on your xbox.

Mum to Other Mum outside School: I can't believe how rude the doctor was about my Timmy, he said he was Obese!
Other Mum: It probably a slow metabolisms, my Tryrons the same,
Mum: He might just be Big Boned!

I saw a fellow balance a clock on his left wrist, a cuckoo clock on his right palm, an alarm clock on his right wrist and Big Ben on his left palm. I thought, that man has too much time on his hands.

Set in a Newcastle Magistrates Court

Judge

Okay, this trial is in session. The defendant is a Mr Dock. The accusing party being Gosforth Care Home for Children. Mrs Smith, in your statement you say that "the clock struck 12.."

He raises his eyebrows

Judge (cont.)

Orphans? Mrs Smith I don't understand, you're telling me the clock struck 12... orphans?

Mrs Smith

Yes, yes I am.

Judge looks up, Mr Dock is revealed to be a comically large clock with human features, sitting contemptuously at his station

Mr Dock (heavy Geordie accent)

Can a smoke in 'ere?

Judge

No, Mr Dock, you cannot.

Mr Dock

Shame, call is Dicky, all the lasses do. HA!

Judge

I'll stick to Mr Dock, thank you. Mrs Smith, could you please narrate to me the events of Sunday the 26th of October.

Mrs Smith

Yes I can. The children and I were watching a film in the community room, and suddenly Hickory here bursts in, drunk out of his mind and starts assaulting us.

Mr Dock

Judge man, sorry a mean, ya majastee, ya cannit believe er man she's off her heed. Sniffs glue and that, yanar?

Judge

Mr Dock, might I remind you that you are in a court of law and that such accusations are both irrelevant and unwarranted. Now, can you give me your account of the events Sunday the 26th of October?

Mr Dock

Rights can a! I'd gone out and that with me pals for a bit drink and that, with the clocks garn forwards and that. Anyway, me mate Ben, big lad, takes way too much ecstasy and totally loses his shit, starts smackin all the c**ts in the f**kin club and that like so a...

Judge (raised voice)

Mr Dock! You will not be warned again. Please provide an explanation excusing you from the crime of which you are accused.

Mr Dock

Wew chill out pal, a mean ya majastee like, yanar? It's cush. I kipped at Ben's didn't a?

Judge

And could this Ben character confirm this?

Mr Dock

Aye, all the lads have me back man.

Judge

I see. Mrs Smith, might I ask how you came to know Mr Dock?

Mrs Smith

Yes. Well, Hickory came to our home when he was an infant. He wasn't a troublemaker then.

Judge

And how was it that he came to be under your protection?

Mrs Smith

Well his mother was, you know?

Pause

Mrs Smith

Cuckoo.

Mr Dock (angry)

Divn't say owt about me mar, ya f**kin mental cow! She couldn't help being made that way. Sit the f**k down!

Judge

Everybody is seated Mr Dock. Now, I believe a witness is due to take to the stand.

Enter Lizzie, an orphan, who takes to the stand

Mr Dock

Ere Lizzie, gizza blowie! HA!

Judge

Mr Dock I warn you, you will not be told again!

Mr Dock

Wew, chill ya beef marra.

Judge

Yes. Well. Elizabeth is your name?

Lizzie

Aye.

Judge

Please tell us your experience on Sunday the 26th of October.

Lizzie

It's exactly as Mrs Smith said, sir. He just came in and went wild, hittin
is and that.

Judge

And the other children, too?

Lizzie

Aye.

Mr Dock

Yas f**kin had it comin man! Ya never f**kin tret is well! Windin is up and that!

Lizzie

That's cos ya fulla shit man! And of course we wind ya up, you're a f**kin clock!

Mr Dock

No am f**kin not!

Lizzie

Aye ya are, man! Ya told us all ya were Cogsworth's son, man! Ya divn't even knar who ya dar is!

The court laughs

Lizzie cont.

Ya just an attention seekin' c**t, and al never give ya a blowie again! Always want people to stare at ya and that!

Mr Dock

A divn't man, they're just checkin the f**kin time!

Lizzie

Are they bollocks, man! Neebody looks at yae for the time, ya start touchin yaself and that if it's a lass!

Mr Dock (embarrassed, defensive)

Nor a f**kin divn't ya fat smelly slut! A divn't!

Judge (angry)

Order! Elizabeth, will you please tell me how Mr Dock assaulted you?

Lizzie

With his hands.

Judge

Hour or minute.

Lizzie

Second, a think he was on pills like, next morning he was three hours too
fast like.

Judge

So it was quite a barbaric attack?

Lizzie

Eh?

Judge

Brutal.

Lizzie

Oh, aye.

Mr Dock

F**k off ya fat slapper! She used to love the second hand, HA!

Judge

Elizabeth, you may leave the stand.

Lizzie

Class mate.

Judge

Mr Dock, I don't know you're aware that you inadvertently confessed during that exchange, and will be found guilty by default. The evidence is conclusive.

Mr Dock looks up having just snorted a line of cocaine from the table

Mr Dock

Eh?

Judge

I sentence you to 5 years of GSCE exams.

Mr Dock

Nor man, can a not go and live with me grandfather? Ad rather have mice run up is than that!

Judge

Absolutely not.

Mr Dock

Well f**k off then, ya big speccy twat!

END.

DARREN: Hello, sir, welcome to the Winstanton Watch Shop, what can I do for you?

CUSTOMER: I was looking to buy a watch.

DARREN: Well, so far so good, sir. What sort of watch were you thinking of?

CUSTOMER: Maybe something simple in silver, with a black leather strap.

DARREN: Fine, and why don't you just stab me in the face?

CUSTOMER: Pardon?

DARREN: Sir, this is a proper watch shop. We do not sell such paltry trinkets and gewgaws as [Shudder] wristwatches, we stock only the finest fob and pocket watches, tried and tested by history.

CUSTOMER: Oh, I'm not sure about that. Aren't they old-fashioned?

DARREN: I'd say, timeless.

CUSTOMER: Ironically.

DARREN: Come, come, sir, no joshing. Take a look at this specimen: see the elegant filigree engraving on the back.

CUSTOMER: Yes. And how do you wear it?

DARREN: It simply dangles from this chain. Look sir, see how it dangles. Lovely, pellucid glass face.

CUSTOMER: Mmm-mmm.

DARREN: Admire how the afternoon sun shines from its perfectly polished casing.

CUSTOMER: [Quiet and distant] Mmmm...

DARREN: And of course the mechanism is immaculate, sir. [Beat] Sir? Oh, blimey. [Shouts] Mr Garside, it's happened again.

GARSIDE: [Approaching] What's happened, young Darren? I'm busy looking at watches you mustn't disturb me with things that aren't watches, because - oh.

DARREN: It's another one of the trances, Mr Garside.

GARSIDE: I can see that, lad! What in blazes did you do?

DARREN: Nothing. I just showed him the pocket-watch.

GARSIDE: Nonsense, there must have been some shilly-shallying of some nature, people don't just fall into a fugue state for no reason.

DARREN: They do, Mt Garside. I mean, some of them mumble about the time a priest touched them when they were 7, and stuff, but then it's just the glassy-eyed stare.

GARSIDE: Hmmm. Well, don't just stand there, boy, get him out the back...with the others.

DARREN: But he's heavy.

GARSIDE: Then use the sack truck, you nincompoop!

DARREN: [Receding] Right away, Mr Garside.

GARSIDE: Now then. Let's see if we can work this out step by step. [Putting on different voices, alternating very swiftly] "Good morning sir" "Good morning, I want to buy a watch" "What sort?" A wristwatch" "Rubbish, have a pocketwatch" "What are they" "They're like this, look at this one. Look at the pocketwatch. Look...at...the..."

DARREN: [Approaching] I've moved him, Mr Garside. Had to shift some of them around to make room. So shall we...are you alright? Mr Garside? Oh, this is ridiculous! First a customer, then another customer, then a...load of other customers and now Mr Garside. I mean, what is it with this watch? Looks perfectly normal to me. Swinging [Pause] Swinging back and forth. [Substantial pause] Back...and...

[Long pause, then straight into another sketch]

***

[And now it's much later in the show. Or the episode. Or whatever it is. It's a sort of call-back thing, you see, very popular I'm given to understand. Anyhoo]

DETECTIVE: I cannot understand it, constable.

CONSTABLE: Nor can I, Detective-Inspector.

DETECTIVE: Very curious: those two watch-sellers standing like statues on the shop floor, and then here in the store-room a whole army of trance-monkeys.

CONSTABLE: How do you think it happened, Detective-Inspector?

DETECTIVE: I haven't a clue - I only wish I did. A complete mystery. Still, we must search every inch of this shop for a solution. If I can solve this case, I'll be promoted straightaway - like that! [Clicks fingers. Cue cacophony of confused voices as everyone immediately finds themselves "back in the room"]

THE WIND-UP MERCHANT
much very loud ticking immediately followed by an equal amount of tocking, plus whirring, buzzing
and mettalic wheezing, fade to dialogue..

FLASH-
Have you put it in, round the back, Boss?

MR LOOS-
Yes, it will now take exactly 4 MINUTES to produce the perfectly boiled egg I require for my lunchtime
sandwich... I am using the "Aylesbury3000 self winding egg timer, with duck-quack alarm facility".
- My egg must be even more than usually perfect, to see me through this trying day...

FLASH-
Why's that Boss?

MR LOOS-
Try me later, as I'm sure you will.
What have you been up to while I was in the back room?
You haven't put all the clocks to the same time again have you?
"We never set all the alarms to go off at once because...."

FLASH-
"Because, on the hour, every hour it would cause a terrible ding".

MR LOOS-
Terrible " din"...

FLASH-
Yes, "ding", "Health and Safety would require us to vacate the premises"- Slip out the back way before the monstrous dong arrived.
Enough to drive ya' cuckoo apparently...

MR LOOS-
My cuckoo hasn't made a peep since you hung his clock the wrong way round on the wall and when he tried to come out he hurt his little beak.

FLASH-
I've been trying to help this customer buy an alarm clock...

MR LOOS-
Well, he's come to the right place - my alarm clock shop - it looks like the effort has tired him out though,
he's completely wound down...

CUSTOMER1 (snoring)

FLASH-
That's the trouble Boss... He's the Product Tester at the Mattress Factory...

MR LOOS-
And... they make such good mattresses he keeps falling asleep on the job?

FLASH-
No, they make such bad mattresses, he can't sleep for worrying, by the time he gets off
he's so tired nothing wakes him in the morning....
So he wants to test which alarm is loudest....

MR LOOS-
But you definitely haven't synchronised all the clocks to the same time?...

FLASH-
No... they're still all different...but I have put them all to go off in exactly 3 MINUTES...
that way they're all bound to go off at different times in the next hour....or?..

MR LOOS-
Oh no, you start turning them off, I'll have a peak-in at my duck egg...

Ding-ding, shop door-bell rings as new Customer enters...

CUSTOMER2- (in hurry)
...Have you got the time?...

FLASH-
Um... no I don't think so, I'm meant to be at work....

CUSTOMER2-
No, what time is it....?

MR LOOS-
Can I help? I'm Mr Loos of the "You Snooze, We Loos" Emergency Timepiece Emporium, -'we
certainly have got The time'.

FLASH-
I thought we did, your only the 2nd customer in today....

CUSTOMER2-
I need to know the exact time....

MR LOOS-
The actual time now?...Oh, we usually look out of the window at the TownHall Clock, over the road...

CUSTOMER2-
Don't tell me about that clock! - I know all there is to know about that clock!
- It has an 8-day movement.

FLASH-
I've only been working here a week and it hasn't moved yet, it's still above the Town Hall.

CUSTOMER2-
I've been Time and Motions Controller at the Town Council for 40 years! Keeping it exactly on time...
All the factories work to the rule of that clock! All Public Transport Timetables run off it! The whole
Community depends on its accuracy!...
I've tested it every day, I only let it strike 12 the split second they fired the noon-day gun up at the
army fort, on the hill above the town...
Then yesterday, I met the Sergeant in charge of lighting the fuse that fires the canon...
I congratulated him on his immaculate time-keeping all these years, but he said it was nothing to do with him, he didn't let the gun go off till the Town Hall clock struck midday!...
I thought some of those 11.59's were very long! Nobody knows the time! My life is a sham!...
I have a Timebomb here in my briefcase! I'm going to take a bus up to the fort and blow up that gun!
I've set the bomb to go off at 12! In exactly 1 hour and 2 MINUTES!

MR LOOS-
You do know they put the clocks back an hour last night?

CUSTOMER2-
In that case...

FLASH-
In that case there?...

CUSTOMER2-
In this case here, - The bomb will go off in 2 MINUTES!...

FLASH-
You'll never get up to the Fort in that time, especially as the busses don't seem to be running very promptly today....

CUSTOMER2-
Then I shall change my target to the Town Hall Clock. I can still see its face laughing down at me....

MR LOOS-
i suppose now is not a good time to present you with this gift ? It's from the Council, to celebrate
your 40 years good clock-watching ... It's a clock....

CUSTOMER2-
Is that the right time?...

MR LOOS-
Yes...

CUSTOMER2-
Then the bomb goes off in 1 MINUTE!

The bell rings urgently, as he leaves in a hurry...
Time warps slower and slower as shown by the ticking of the shop full of clocks slowing down, building the tension as seconds slip away to the big bang....

MR LOOS-
I'll never get to eat my perfectly boiled egg now...

FLASH-
You could take it out early...

MR LOOS-
It'll be too runny...

FLASH-
It won't be the only thing that's runny... Should I wake the Quality Control Officer from the Mattress Factory?

CUSTOMER1- (snoring)

MR LOOS-
No, he looks too comfortable. He'll never find out which alarm is the loudest now...
You remember, I was going to tell you something earlier?...It doesn't matter but,
I may as well tell you now we've got a few moments quiet, -30 SECONDS to be precise!....
before we're blown to smithereens....

FLASH-
"Smithereens", the 80's Retro Indie Disco, on Rosamund Street?

MR LOOS-
Oh, I wouldn't go that far- I'm heavier than you.
I had decided to close the shop! Time's run out.- No-one uses alarm clocks any more...

FLASH-
I dunno Boss, he uses one...

MR LOOS-
Only as an explosive detonator and I don't think he even got that from me!
Everyone's either Self-Employed and works round the clock or Unemployed and too miserable to ever get up....

FLASH-
If I can get us out of this mess Boss maybe we can make like the Aylesbury3000 egg timer and start again
from '0"...?
See those dodgy looking mattresses outside?....

MR LOOS-
The Product Tester must be taking his work home with him, hoping to sleep on it...

FLASH-
Ok Boss...i'm stepping outside for a moment....I may be some time....

MR LOOS-
Flash! ...I'm fond of you!... But You've only got 14 SECONDS to save the alarm clock shop!....

The shop door-bell tings (as Flash runs outside.) then in quick succession....
A very loud but muffled bang!
The shops many alarm clocks all go off at once....in celebratory fashion.
Answered by the distant peeling of the Town Hall clock chimes.

CUSTOMER1-
(snores) Press Snooze love, I think I'll have another 5 minutes (snores)

THE AYLESBURY3000-
Quack- Quack -Quack etc

THE DAMAGED CUCKOO CLOCK-
Cuck....ow.

A CUSTOMER GOES INTO A CLOCK SHOP. THERE IS A SHOPKEEPER AND A LOT OF CLOCKS.

CUSTOMER:
Hello, I'd like a...

SHOPKEEPER:
NO! Don't say it!

CUSTOMER:
What?!

SHOPKEEPER:
Don't say that word!

CUSTOMER:
What word?

SHOPKEEPER:
The word for these timepieces I sell. I have an allergy of that particular word.

CUSTOMER:
It must be very hard to run a... run a...

SHOPKEEPER:
Hippopotamus shop.

CUSTOMER:
What?

SHOPKEEPER:
It makes it hard to run a hippopotamus shop. I use "Hippopotamus" instead of the other word.

CUSTOMER:
Riiiight. So I'd like to buy a...hippopotamus please. My current...hippopotamus is pretty poor at keeping the t...

SHOPKEEPER:
NO!!! Don't say it!

CUSTOMER:
What now?!

SHOPKEEPER:
The 'T' word.

CUSTOMER:
But you said it earlier! You used it instead of clocks. You said "timepieces"!

SHOPKEEPER:
'Timepieces' is all one word Sir. No space, no hyphen. Look in the script if you don't believe me.

CUSTOMER:
Script?

SHOPKEEPER:
I'm actually allergic to the names of all parts of timepieces as well as their usual common name.

CUSTOMER:
I don't see how you can face working in a shop that sells...hippopotamuses with that sort of problem.

SHOPKEEPER:
We all have our cross to bear sir.

CUSTOMER:
But...(thinks)...I said face just now.

SHOPKEEPER:
Yes Sir?

CUSTOMER:
But a 'face' is a part of a timepiece.

SHOPKEEPER:
(Thinks) You're right Sir! I must have missed that one.

CUSTOMER:
Face.

THE SHOPKEEPER SCREAMS AND COLLAPSES TO THE GROUND BEFORE SLOWLY GETTING UP AGAIN.

SHOPKEEPER:
See Sir? Properly allergic.

CUSTOMER:
Look, I don't think you're actually have any allergies to any of the words you say you do.

SHOPKEEPER:
Possibly not Sir, but they do make me feel special, and after all that's what nearly all modern allergies are for aren't they Sir? Something for annoying gits to whine about and give themselves a nice warm feeling inside because their allergies make them unique. Like all the others.

THE CUSTOMER REDDENS AND STARTS TO WALK OUT THE DOOR IN ANGER. HE PAUSES BY THE DOOR TO SHOUT OUT:

CUSTOMER:
Escapement!

THE CUSTOMER LEAVES. THE SHOPKEEPER PULLS OUT A DICTIONARY FROM BENEATH THE COUNTER AND SEARCHES FOR THE WORD.

SHOPKEEPER:
Ah! Here it is! "An escapement is a device in mechanical hippos". Hmmm. Must have missed 'escapement'. (Pause) ARRRGH!

THE SHOPKEEPER COLLAPSES IN AGONY ONCE MORE.

END.

INT. TRINKET SHOP

CUSTOMER
I'm looking for a clock.

SHOPOWNER
We have a clock for everyone! Is there anything specific you're looking for?

CUSTOMER
1970's restored French face with the handwritten words "Beautiful Home" but it's got to be in French. Twenty year old red oak backing with a soft cedar wood trim, twice burnt outer wooden frame, metallised beading surround with a freshly severed deer head protruding from above. Just to make it unique.

SHOPOWNER
Anything else?

CUSTOMER
It's got to be digital display.

SHOPOWNER
You've got to be joking

CUSTOMER
Is there a problem?

SHOPOWNER
I just sold my last one.

CUSTOMER
Really?

SHOPOWNER
Yes.

CUSTOMER
What about that one up there?

SHOPOWNER
Classic. Durable, finger resistant, easy wipe white plastic with numbers one to twelve indicative of the Greenwich Mean. Elegantly placed black hands to enhance the overall look with child proof plastic cover to ensure they don't land you in BST in the height of winter.

CUSTOMER TAKES IT TO EXAMINE

CUSTOMER
Never heard of Argos. Is he a new designer?

SHOPOWNER
It's pronounced Argo and he is very famous. It's yours for fifteen sir.

CUSTOMER
I'll give you no more than five hundred for it.

SHOPOWNER
Oh no, I meant fifteen pounds.

CUSTOMER
Is it damaged?

SHOPOWNER
Brand new.

CUSTOMER
A fake?

SHOPOWNER
Original.

CUSTOMER
What's the catch?

SHOPOWNER
For hanging on the wall sir

CUSTOMER
I'll give you twenty five

SHOPOWNER
Honestl-

CUSTOMER (continuing)
Hundred and I want that other Argo piece at the door.

SHOPOWNER
The Rocking Horse?

CUSTOMER
Yes, fine piece.

SHOPOWNER
I tell you what. I'll give you every Argo piece we have in the shop for twenty five hundred.

CUSTOMER
The rocking horse, the nest of tables and the distressed dining chair?

SHOPOWNER
The lot!

CUSTOMER
Ha! deal.

SHOPOWNER TAKES THE CLOCK TO PUT IT THROUGH THE TILL

SHOPOWNER
Oh, you're going to need some double A batteries with this.

CUSTOMER
Too late. I've won!

SHOPOWNER
I'm sorry?

CUSTOMER
Oh come on let's not pretend. We both know what's happening here. The age old bargaining war. You have been defeated. The clock was merely a bargaining tool to acquire the Rocking Horse and the other Argo pieces. The clock is going straight in the recycle bin when I leave!

SHOPOWNER
Oh, yes, yes. Of course. I'm sorry. I was so caught up I completely forgot my bargaining head. Superb bargaining dear sir.

CUSTOMER
Gracious in defeat. Very admirable. Now would you be so kind to point me in the direction of Ikea? I hear he designs some wonderful Swedish furniture.

SHOPOWNER
Absolutely. It's just across the road.

CUSTOMER
Thank you.

SHOPOWNER
My pleasure.

EXT. STREET

CUSTOMER STANDS OUTSIDE ARGOS WITH ALL OF HIS GOODS. ALL OF THEM ARE DISPLAYED IN THE WINDOW WITH A SIGN "EVERYTHING YOU SEE IS A POUND........EVEN THE ROCKING HORSE".

THE CUSTOMER TURNS ROUND. THE SHOPOWNERIS DANCING HOLDING UP THE CLOCK DESCRIBED AT THE START WITH THE DEER HEAD FOR HIS HEAD.

END

LIVINGROOM. An old man, RUPERT is watching the TV. His wife, ROSIE, is in the kitchen making tea. He is watching a-

GAMESHOW. "Clock On"

PRESENTER
Welcome to Clock On, that's right, the hit show where we replace your loved ones with clocks and film to see how long it is before you "Clock On"!
On tonight's show-

HIGHSTREET. A woman pushes a pram. She stops to check on her child. Looking into the pram she finds not her baby but a wall clock under some blankets.

WOMAN
What the f**k.

The PRESENTER jogs into the shot, laughing. He shakes her confused hand.

PRESENTER
Ah! You've clocked the clock!

The woman realises he place in the sensational TV programme and reacts accordingly, laughing and shaking her head.

WOMAN
Oh my goodness! [She wipes a tear from her eye] Where is my baby then?

PRESENTER
Uh...

The PRESENTER awkwardly looks at the floor. A mic guy shrugs.

LIVING ROOM. ROSIE carries a tray of biscuits and tea through and sets them down on the coffee table. She takes a seat next to her husband, who has so clearly and obviously been replaced by a grandfather clock, laid against the sofa as naturally as any huge inanimate object can be.

OUTSIDE. The presenter looks at the camera excitedly. They're filming a new episode of Clock On and ROSIE should realise her spouse has been replaced by a clock at any moment.

Through the window ROSIE drinks her tea next to the clock, business as usual. The presenter looks at the camera in amused disbelief.

OUTSIDE. A couple of hours later

PRODUCER (O.S.)
She hasn't noticed.

RUPERT
What do you mean she hasn't noticed? You said she'd realise straight away.

PRODUCER (O.S.)
Please calm down-

RUPERT
Calm down? Calm down?

PRESENTER
[Peering through the window] Would you look at that - they're sharing food now.

Through the window ROSIE has cosied up with the clock and is absently feeding the clock icecream in a candlelit livingroom. RUPERT looks on, speechless.

HALLWAY. RUPERT storms into the house

RUPERT
Rosie!

Into the LIVING ROOM

RUPERT (CONT.)
Rosie!

Into the upstairs BEDROOM. There she lies under the grandfather clock, in bed, beneath blankets.

ROSIE
[Aghast] Rupert!

The CLOCK slowly angles itself so its "face" looks at the old man. It wears an expression of cartoonish crossness yet is surprisingly menacing.

RUPERT
[Less sure of himself] Just- just what the hell is going on here?

The CLOCK is suddenly out of bed, looking threatening.[i]

RUPERT
[[i]Backing away, out onto the landing, hands held out] Hey now-

ROSIE (O.S.)
[Screaming] God, no!

The CLOCK now stands at the top of the stairs. RUPERT, as if struck, tumbles, screaming, down the stairs.

INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT

JANICE, 14, STANDS GRAVELY BEFORE THE TOWERING FIGURE OF HER MOTHER LOUNGING ON THE SOFA, MRS SMITH.

DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND.

MRS SMITH
Every woman has her own clock, and when that time comes, she can't have babies any more. So you best pop one out early.

JANICE
You're just saying that because you're jealous of my youth.

MRS SMITH
Menopause is a thing just around the corner for every woman near her prime.

JANICE
Well guess what Mum, watching Desperate Housewives isn't going to bring back your glory.

MRS SMITH
You shut your trap young lady. You think you can make fun of me because I'm no longer a maternal powerhouse like my hay days?

JANICE
Mum you're always pining over your younger days. Well if you were so all that why didn't make us another baby?

MRS SMITH
Don't you disrespect my uterus like that. It made you.

JANICE
Well guess what, you'll never be a grandmother.

MRS SMITH
Don't you dare say that, you know that's the only thing I look forward to.

JANICE
Really? And what about those different guys who pick you up every Friday night?

MRS SMITH
You think they want me Janice? I'm just a filler. That's why I don't want you ending up like me. Time will leave my uterus in the dust. You go and find a nice rich predictable man so he won't be acting up on you.

JANICE
It's hurts me to see you end up like this Mum. I don't want to leave you behind with all those men who don't treat you well. I will make things right.

JANICE RUNS OUT THE DOOR.

STREET LIGHTS.

SHE HEARS HER MOTHER'S INCREASINGLY DISTANT ECHOING.

MRS SMITH
It's your imperative to further our genes. Just leave me behind. Now go, go child, get yourself impregnated. Make my womb proud.

END

PRESENTER STANDS ON A PLATFORM ON STAGE. BELOW HIM ON THE STAGE STANDS A MAGICIAN.

PRESENTER:
Ladies and Gentlemen you have already seen him pull a hat out of a rabbit, turn his ears to tarmac and knit a real-life sheep.

Now for his final act of the night the great Alexander Flupwhour is going to stop time! Yes you heard me right.

He is going to stop the big clock behind us here and also the watches of each and every one of you in the audience even if you don't have one. Then at his command the time will recommence and once the clock strikes ten I will throw down this rope to allow him to perform an astounding blind-folded one second escape from this table of knives which will hurl themselves at him.

I have agreed to stand above him and be directly amazed by his tricks and I will, in turn convey this amazement to you.

ALEX BEGINS MOVING HIS HANDS MYSTERIOUSLY AT THE CLOCK. NOTHING HAPPENS. THE CROWD BEGIN TO GET RESTLESS AND SOME START MUMBLING.

PRESENTER:
Give him a chance now, give him a chance......(stalling) As I said he will stop time. Then he will start it again.... the moment the clock strikes ten I throw the rope down to him....where he will then make his rapid es....cape....

ALEX IS TRAINING HIS FINGERS INTENTLY AT THE CLOCK BUT THE SECOND HAND OF THE CLOCK CONTINUES TO TICK.

PRESENTER:
Perhaps he is not feeling as clocky as he usually does....I know he was using a sun dial earlier...maybe the clock took offence to that. Wait! I think he might...no, just a slow second there.

Nevertheless we will move directly on to our highlight of the night. The one-second blind-folded rope escape from an array of knives that will automatically fire at him when the clock hits one second after ten.

THE SECOND HAND OF THE CLOCK REACHES THE TEN SECONDS TO GO POINT.

PRESENTER:
Just have to wait for the clock to strike ten and I drop the rope....57...58...59...

THE CLOCK STOPS AT 59 SECONDS SO THE PRESENTER WAITS TO RELEASE THE ROPE.

ALEX (OOV):
Oh sweet mother of Jesus!!! AAAAAHHHHH.....!!!

THE CLOCK NOW STRIKES TEN AND THE PRESENTER RELEASES THE ROPE. ALEX SLOWLY STRUGGLES UP TO THE PLATFORM COVERED IN BLOOD, CUTS AND GASHES WITH SEVERAL KNIVES STICKING OUT OF HIM. THEY BOTH BOW HEROICALLY.

END.

"F**k You! You bloody bastard! Just F**k Off!"

Jeremy was sleep talking again, "FUCK YOU!" He said, "F**king FUCK FUCKING FUCK YOU!"

And it wasn't the first time this had happened, he was always doing it, "F**king this, F**king that!" He would rant and bellow. Well, Old Kyle, he was sick of this nonsense so he made a stance. He told that Jeremy to shut the hell up, "Shut the hell up" he said.

Jeremy had just woken. He woke-up when Kyle shouted at him to shut the hell up. He looked at Kyle. "What time is it?" he muttered.

"It's a stroke past midnight" said Kyle, making a reference to clocks.

Jeremy farted and checked his tattoo. He'd cleverly got a sundial tattoo on his wrist. He could check the time anytime he wanted. He was clever like that. It was dark though so he asked again, 'What the hell time is it?'

It was midnight. Midnight for Christ's sake!?

'The clocks change tonight' said Kyle.

Just let me sleep!' shouted Jeremy, 'Stop Flippin' talking to me! I NEED TO SLEEP!'

Jeremy did his whole 'fed-up' thing; huffing and a puffing, he turned on his other side. His huffy side. He enjoyed his huffy side. 'FUCK OFF' he screamed as he drifted off to sleep.

The next day came pretty quick for poor old Jeremy, but in the morning, Kyle thought he'd treat him to a wonderful breakfast. There were pancakes with syrup, danishes, and 4 different types of cereal. Not only that but Kyle even drove him to his meeting: 'I Swear In My Sleep But I'm Not Angry'. He was two hours early.

I vote for Hart, I really liked Gappy's, Tiggy's and Craig's but the absurdity of the game show's premise and the sudden dark turn clinched it for me.

Hart you crazy bastard you are one f**king wack weird odd strange little child

1 Vote Hart