Hello,

I have been thinking of and improving some one liners for the past week. I haven't had any official writing lessons or anything, it is just me go straight out and giving it ago. I won't perform until I know I have material I am confident with. Although I am not going to release all of my jokes, I will give you a few and see how they can be improved, whether it is the structure or the joke itself. If it is total nonsense, please constructively tell me!

There was a book about a little boy at a wedding who was secretly a girl. It was a real page turner.

I went to Sainsburys the other day and they told me to try something new today. So I went to Tesco next door.

I visited my friends house the other day and it had a sign saying "No cold callers" so I ended up setting myself on fire.

Whiplash, what a pain in the neck.

Thanks for any critiques. Please could you also let me know whether these would work in a stand up performance as well.

Sorry Sam but they are all a bit lame for me. Keep trying though.

Quote: Will Cam @ 13th October 2014, 11:32 PM BST

Sorry Sam but they are all a bit lame for me. Keep trying though.

View original

(Not arguing just want a bit more info so it will help me improve) why are they lame? Is it because they are too generic, too silly or is it not your sort of thing?

Thanks for your feedback.

Hey Sam

I think all of the jokes are too linear. It's like you've came up with the initial ideas and written the first thing that came into your head with regards to the punchline. They all work as jokes but just aren't that original. I'm sure whiplash has been used by Lee Mack and that was an off the cuff one.

Are these just some random jokes you've plucked from the selection or are these your best/worst ones that you want feedback on?

I would suggest putting most if not all of the jokes up that you are going to try out and get as much feedback you can on-line before going on-stage as it won't hurt half as much.

Quote: SamLowe @ 13th October 2014, 11:15 PM BST

There was a book about a little boy at a wedding who was secretly a girl. It was a real page turner.

I went to Sainsburys the other day and they told me to try something new today. So I went to Tesco next door.

I visited my friends house the other day and it had a sign saying "No cold callers" so I ended up setting myself on fire.

Whiplash, what a pain in the neck.

View original

1) I can see what you're doing, but it's too stretched. Also, the joke should be that your final statement could refer to both the book and the kid, which means starting your clause "it was" won't work; try "talk about a page turner!" But, like I say, it doesn't really come together.

2. I think this is potentially a good joke. a) Is "try something new today" a Sainsbury's slogan? Cos if not, there's no real point to it, but I assume it's just an ad I've not come across. b) I think that going to Tesco's instead isn't a funny enough development. What about something more surprising like "So I set fire to a cashier and stole some briquettes"?

3. Not my sort of gag, there's not enough distance between the 2 meanings of cold for me, but I know a lot of people like these ones. However, don't start with the cold callers bit, otherwise everyone will guess the joke before you get there. "Frosty The Snowman rang my bell the other day; I said, can't you read the sign? No cold callers!"

4. Nothing wrong with it, but the physical pain in the neck "twist" has been done many times.

Good luck on your next batch.

Quote: gappy @ 14th October 2014, 3:47 PM BST

1) I can see what you're doing, but it's too stretched. Also, the joke should be that your final statement could refer to both the book and the kid, which means starting your clause "it was" won't work; try "talk about a page turner!" But, like I say, it doesn't really come together.

2. I think this is potentially a good joke. a) Is "try something new today" a Sainsbury's slogan? Cos if not, there's no real point to it, but I assume it's just an ad I've not come across. b) I think that going to Tesco's instead isn't a funny enough development. What about something more surprising like "So I set fire to a cashier and stole some briquettes"?

3. Not my sort of gag, there's not enough distance between the 2 meanings of cold for me, but I know a lot of people like these ones. However, don't start with the cold callers bit, otherwise everyone will guess the joke before you get there. "Frosty The Snowman rang my bell the other day; I said, can't you read the sign? No cold callers!"

4. Nothing wrong with it, but the physical pain in the neck "twist" has been done many times.

Good luck on your next batch.

View original

That has helped a lot, thanks! So would it be best with an element of surprise with the jokes, with a twist? Also the ending to your suggested Sainsubury's joke (yes Try Something New Today is the slogan) is hilarious but it doesn't make much sense or is that the whole idea, making something silly at the end and it will be funnier?

Yes, surprise is (often) a good way to structure a one-liner, I'd say.

I think it's a bit generous to call my version "hilarious", but I think you have to drive home the fact that Sainsbury's vapid slogan has cost them business because you took it literally - going to shop elsewhere is conceptually as good as anything else, but I think you'd get a better laugh in a stand-up environment if it's more extreme.

Quote: SamLowe @ 13th October 2014, 11:15 PM BST

I went to Sainsburys the other day and they told me to try something new today. So I went to Tesco next door.

View original

Good luck Sam. I'm going to concentrate on this one as it's the only one worth saving in my opinion. I like it being Tesco. That works because the slogan has made you do the last thing Sainsbury's wanted.

But I would cut down the words. Oneliners generally include only essential information. So, yours could be:

I went to Sainsbury's and they told me to "try something new today". So I went to Tesco.

Most importantly though, ask yourself why you want to do stand up - assuming you do. And if you do, why do you want to be a oneliner comedian rather than another type? Would another style suit your personality better?

Answering the question about why I want to do one liners. I am quite bad at telling stories because they always get messed up. Plus they are quick and that is my sort of humour. Also, why I want to do stand up - I want to be able to entertain people and I love comedy so I thought they two would work quite well.

Thanks for the feedback from everyone who has helped, it is appreciated and I will hopefully be able to improve my one liners.

Show us some more in a while, ones you think are more honed than these.

A poster Outside Sainsbury's said "Try something new today!"
So I went to Tesco's.

I went to Sainsburys and they said try something new today. So I came back naked.

I was met with a very frosty reception in the frozen goods area.

The best way to learn how to write one-liners is to write lots and lots and lots of them.

Write 100, then post the best 10 up on here and get some feedback.

(It's a spoken gag. Shit but spoken ) above I mean.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's one of those Tim Vine type ones where it's a laugh a second. It will never be a great stand alone joke. Like gappy says for it work in comedy it has to be extreme. Like proper over the top.

Went to Sainsburys and got inspired by their slogan "try something new today". So I did my usual shop and left without paying. That's new. High speed police pursuit on the way home. That was new. A night in a prison cell. That was new. And to top it all off I got raped in the shower in the morning. That was new. Now I think about it, I would have been better off at Asda.