Skitcomp 28.9 - 6.10.14

More fine stuff so congratulations to GAPPY for winning. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
4 - 10 - Gappy
1 - 5 - Darren, Craig H, Pugsmith, Ahem

Your new subject: ROMANCE.

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except anyone who still quotes Blackadder.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 6.10.14

Overall Leader Board is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 31 - Gappy
2 - 15 - Stylee, Otterfox
3 - 12 - me
4 - 11 - Craig H
5 - 10 - Tiggy, Darren
6 - 5 - Nigel Kelly, Nick81, Pugsmith, Ahem

This subject was done in 2010 :-D

https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/17318#P610701

So was I. Thanks, Mum. Sometimes subjects come back but there are always new takes so it's okay.

INT. CLASSROOM HALLWAY - DUSK

SHIRLEEEN and ANDY, in their early 40's, mop the floors.

SHIRLEEN
Andy, I got a promotion.

ANDY
So you're telling me you gon' leave me behind?

SHIRLEEN
It ain't nothing like that Andy. I've just been assigned to the opposite hallway.

ANDY
But this was where I met you Shirley. I can't believe this.

SHIRLEEN
Andy, we can still peer out the windows from time to time.

ANDY
But that ain't the same as you being here with me Shirley.

SHIRLEEN
Oh I know things will be hard for you Andy, but I can still visit you during lunch breaks.

ANDY
I know you would Shirley, but that don't fill the hole inside me when you're gone.

SHIRLEEN
Baby don't cry you know I'm hurting just as much you.

Shirleen mops Andy's tears.

ANDY
You don't have to do that Shirley I'll clean it for you.

SHIRLEEN
Let me do something for you one time baby. You be doing everything for me with those big strong arms.

ANDY
That's the only thing I know how to do Shirley. I don't know what I'd do with myself when you're gone.

SHIRLEEN
My baby Andy, you're the sweetest guy I've met and I'm glad I found you.

ANDY
I don't think I can grind through the long shifts without you Shirley.

SHIRLEEN
I promise I'll call you. I won't forget you baby boo. After our shifts are done we'd be together again and I'll wheel you around to anywhere you want to.

ANDY
You make me so happy that I forget I can't run sometimes but I'd run a mile for you.

Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 1st October 2014, 2:22 PM BST

So was I. Thanks, Mum. Sometimes subjects come back but there are always new takes so it's okay.

On your head be it Michael.

There will be an uprising :D

Scene is a quiet idyllic graveyard.

Gardner. HEY, HEY vandal. What are you doing get away from that gravestone.
Mrs Mason: I am just visiting my Billy's grave stone been a hard few weeks since he passed.
Gardner: Why are you attacking it with a Chisel
Mrs Mason: Well my Billy loved his dot to dots used to do them all the time. While smoking his pipe by the fire, and he used to always say to me, "Josie what do you think it is". And I would just say a monkey and he would chuckle and carry on. When he was done he used to bring it in to me and show me, Saying Look Josie its a sail boat. I'd give him a little peck on the cheek and ask him did he want a cup of tea. Its funny its the small things you miss.
Gardner: I'm sorry dear but that doesn't explain.
Mrs Mason: Well he always said I should do dot to dots as well, but they were never my cup of tea you see. But he left one on his grave stone for me with a final message. So I am coming here everyday, one dot at a time Chiselling out his final dot to dot. Just have to do the last dot.
Gardner: Oh I see, Thats so sweet, May, May,May, I ask you what it is if it is not too personal.
Mrs Mason: It says "I love you"

Fade to writers room
Writer1: I love you? what the f**k,
Writer2: What! that is a beautiful story.
Writer1: F**k that, we are writing a sketch, it should be a penis,
Writer2: A penis
Writer1: Of course it is always a penis, penii are funny,
Writer2: Its Penises, Penises are so cliched, anyone can make a penis jokes.
Writer1: Really?
Writer2: Ya really, here is one. Your penis is a f**king joke.
Writer1: Aren't you hilarious.
Writer2: I am actually. Got a cert.
Writer1: Nothing is funnier than an old women saying a bad word. Comedy 1.0.
Writer2: BullShit.
Door opens
Mrs Mason: Penis
Closes Door
Writer1 See........ Anyway moving on. Next sketch picture this. Everyone is wearing Stetsons; Americans
Fade to Office.
Guy1:Come on in Johnston
Johnston: Good Day sir, How are you
Guy1: Dam good sir, dam good. Always happy at Bonus time, all thoses f**king prols moaning, and what about them, Lazy shits. So I think we all deserve what we get. Yi haa mothers f**kers I say.
Johnston: Never a truer word said.
Guy1: Dam right, Especially for you, amazing gains this quarter Johnston.
Johnston: Thank you.
Guy1: Plenty of Bentleys for you this year
Johnston: Bentleys for the Nose (sniffs nose)
Both laughing and Shouting Yi Ha start shooting pistols in the air.
Johnston: So I propose we look at next years oil revenues and see how maximise profits.
Guy1: Penis
Fade to writers room
Writer2: your such a Twat.

INTERIOR Exotic room. On cushions sit MAN and WOMAN, both dressed in eastern clothes, thousand-nights style.

MAN:

(poetically and drawn out) You're eyes are deep, like two dark pools of water in which I am lost. (Normal voice, quicker) You really have nice eyes, you now that?

WOMAN:

(simpers) Thank you my prince.

MAN:

I bless the day I met you. It really was a most splendid day, the day I met the perfect-

WOMAN:

(still simpering) Oh don't.

MAN:

Oh, but it was! My life would be so much emptier without you.

(They settle into a comfortable silence eventually man turns to woman)

MAN:

But it is late, and I promised not to keep you up tonight. You should go now, and tommorow is a brand new day.

WOMAN:

If that is what you want.

MAN:

I must keep my word.

(He rises, gives her a hand to help her rise, and escorts her to the door)

WOMAN:

Good night my prince!

MAN:

Goodnight! I shall see you in the morning.

(She exits the room, and closes the door. He walks around distractadly for a moment, before going over to a wall and pressing a small button)

RECORDED VOICE*:

Concubine number four please!

*like the one's in banks 'cashier number four, please'

WE HEAR A CHORUS OF OOHS AND AHHS.

INT. LIVING ROOM

THE ROOM IS FILLED WITH COUPLES IN THEIR 60s

JOE ENTERS

DAVE
Right Joe! get your keys in the bowl.

JOE
This isn't what I think it is, is it?

JOES WIFE
Don't worry love! nobody's going to get a shot in your Mercedes!

END

Daughter - "Dad, do you remember when you knew mum was 'the one'."

Me - "Yes."

Daughter - "When was it?"

Me - "Seeing granddads mansion."

INT Country Pub, Day.

PADDY
No loss.

MICK
No loss, mate.

JOHN PAUL
Better I found out now.

PADDY
My grandfather always maintained that women are like Billy Goats, if you don't find one heading for trouble its because they're coming from it.

MICK
My grandfather always maintained women are like sheep and if you close your eyes you hardly notice the difference.

PADDY
My grandfather always maintained you marry the girl with the spring well.

MICK
I don't get it.

PADDY
I don't think it was a euphemism. Irrigation was very important to him.

Quote: Craig H @ 2nd October 2014, 9:47 AM BST

On your head be it.

As the forsk said. Anyway...

YOU'RE SICKSTEEN

BLOKE in tight suit 'n' tighter tie sings (tune: 'You're Sixteen', Ringo Starr http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xroiz9ssBIU)

Your cunny's like a dream, watch me knob cream,
Squirt its fungus and grime.
You're sixteen, you're rootable, I just slimed. (my, what slime)
You got my nads in a whirl, ooh, what a girl.
Me foresk sparkles and shines.
You're sixteen, affordable, that's just fine.
(fine, all right, shine, mine)
You're a coquette, I'm a ghet,
I shoot my load every time you're wet.
You rub my shaft, my balls go pop,
Ooh, when I jizz, I just can't stop.
Me stalk's up for a ream, into your ass,
Wow, your fab anal's sublime.
You're sixteen, economical, just one dime.
You've two boobies, I've one jet,
Does my wife know? No, not yet.
I touched your mound, my wallet popped,
Ooh, when I pay, I just won't stop.
Me pants crack at the seam, ooh-la-la-la,
Now you're going nuts at the flies.
You're sixteen, I'm seventy, there's no fine.
You're sixteen, you're beautiful, and you're mine.
You're sixteen, you're sweet sixteen, and you're mine.
Sixteen, all mine, all mine.
Sixteen, sixteen, all mine.
Sixteen, sixteen, sixteen, sixteen, that'll do.
Sixteen's fine!
Thank you very much for the drunken sailor...
Thank you very much for the drunken sailor...
VOICE (off) Berlusconi... BERLUSCONI! You've been dreaming...

BLOKE Huh?

VOICE (off) You're on trial for shagging an under-aged tart...

BLOKE I had absolutely no idea she was sixteen.

CHERELLE: So, Steve, as promised here's the video of your date last night, and I'd like to walk you through it, to see whether we can find any areas that might require improvement, OK?

STEVE: Thanks, Cherelle. I tried to remember all your romancing advice.

CHERELLE: Okey-dokey. So, you start well, Steve, greeting her with a kiss. Next time, I think it would be better to aim for the cheek. Or somewhere on the face, anyway. Next, you've given her flowers, nice touch - but perhaps try roses next time.

STEVE: Not sunflowers?

CHERELLE: Quick rule of thumb, Stevie: your bouquet should never be taller than your date. And the chocolate isn't quite right. Try Milk Tray, instead ofWagon Wheels. And, you know, a few is enough - you do cause some kerfuffle manouevrng the forklift.

STEVE: I figured, because Wagon Wheels are getting smaller, a few extra wouldn't hurt. Oh, look, here's the bit where I compliment her appearance, like you said.

CHERELLE: Yes, well done...although I'm not sure what "your lashes have 40% more body" actually means. Now, what are you doing here, Stevie, love?

STEVE: Asking questions about herself - that was right, wasn't it?

CHERELLE: Well, I didn't really have blood type in mind, dearie. And, quick note, it's never polite to jot down a lady's BMI in a special dossier...especially after you've just given her a few palettes of Wagon Wheels, sends out mixed messages. Now, I confess, the next bit confuses me a little - are you telling her a fourteenth century Catalonian tale about an enchanted knight and his magical squire?

STEVE: Yeah. Because it's a romance.

CHERELLE: Oh, right; slightly crossed wires there, but no problem - she seems to be enjoying the lute, any road. And, I'd say the rest of the date went quite well - not convinced you should have centred the conversation round Wagon Wheels -

STEVE: I'm certain they're getting smaller!

CHERELLE: - but perhaps it doesn't matter overly, as a minute or two later the date does end rather suddenly.

STEVE: Yeah, what did I do wrong? Not romantic enough?

CHERELLE: No, but it's not customary to bring a packed lunch to a restaurant. They were bound to ask you to leave once you brought out the Tupperware.

STEVE: Oh! I thought restaurants were special date spaces, I didn't realise they sold food too.

CHERELLE: Yes, most of them do.....although the jury's out about the Bernie Inn, in that regard. So, we have to conclude, it wasn't precisely what we'd hoped for, was it? Still, I understand she's agreed to go out with you again this week, so we've got our work cut out, haven't we?

STEVE: Oh, yes, I'll work ever so hard. I really want the night to go perfectly this week.

CHERELLE: Why's that, Stevie love?

STEVE: Well, it's our ruby wedding anniversary on Friday.

CHERELLE: [Pause] And we could definitely work on your punchlines, too...

They all made me laugh but thought gappy's was the most polished effort of the bunch.

Sooooooo....

I vote gappy, again. >_<

I'm torn between Gappy and Nick 81; I'm going for Nick this time.

His presentation could use some work. Same with his punctuation and his American dialogue, BUT it is Zepp for me. I liked the reveal to the writers room a lot.