Thanks for another phwoarsome skitcomp and congratulations to OTTERFOX for winning. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
3 - 10 - Otterfox
1 - 5 - Slarnder, Gappy, Dave C

Your new subject: WINDOWS (chosen by Gappy).

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except John Lennon.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 15.6.14

Overall Leader Board is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 25 - Gappy
2 - 15 - Slarnder
3 - 10 - Otterfox
4 - 5 - Dave C

SUPPORT ACT

HELP DESK WINDOW.
Young MR BOGGS opposite BUREAUCRAT.

BUREAUCRAT Ah good morning Mr Boggs.

MR BOGGS All right mate.

BUREAUCRAT I believe you're here to claim child benefit.

MR BOGGS Yup.

BUREAUCRAT (extracts file and pen) So how many children do you have?

MR BOGGS Eighty-five billion, nine hundred thousand, seven hundred and forty-three.

BUREAUCRAT (writing) 'More than five'... Their ages?

MR BOGGS Between two months and one hundred and twenty years.

BUREAUCRAT (writing) 'Various'... And their addresses?

MR BOGGS All over the bleedin' shop! Crappy mud hut in Zimbabwe, some disused bog in the Congo, out behind this military jeep in Liberia - you name it, I gained it!

BUREAUCRAT And I assume not every infant is your own flesh and blood.

MR BOGGS Duuuuh! Whoja think I am, Jordan?

BUREAUCRAT But you have officially adopted them.

MR BOGGS Yes indeedy. Got the papers here - (reads) 'Oxfam Adopt-A-Shop, kids just two quid a month.' Well you gimme the child benefit, I'll cover that and have a bit left over for booze and fags.

BUREAUCRAT You tart... You shameless, cynical, bastard manipulator of the underprivileged, you wilfully take advantage of poor and helpless youngsters for your own selfish profit. I'm reporting you.

MR BOGGS Please don't, I was just...

BUREAUCRAT (on phone) Hello, Madonna? Some bastard's trying to steal your thunder... No, not Angelina Jolie.

BARTHOLOMEW: Good afternoon, sire.

KING: Ah, Bartholomew, come in.

B: Thank you, sire. May I present the archbishop?

ARCHBISHOP: Your servant, my lord.

K: Welcome, father. What news, Bartholomew?

B: There is a mighty storm abroad, sire.

K: Hmmm?

A: Oh, yes. Thunder crashes like the devil, lightning slashes through the heavens, and water comes out of the sky. Downwards.

B: At quite a rate.

K: ...Right.

A: It's a hell of a storm, my lord.

K: Well, I dare say, but that isn't the sort of thing I normally grant an official audience to discuss.

B: All the same, we thought it was noteworthy.

A: We thought you might...

B: [Plucking up courage] We thought you might like to take a look.

K: A look?!

B: Out of the, err, out of the window.

L: Bartholomew, you should know better; and you, archbishop, a man of the cloth, I'm shocked. You know full well how I feel about that sort of activity, don't you?

B & A: Yes, king Wences.

K: I don't go looking out of the window willy-nilly like a common trout-herder. It's not regal.

A: Yes, we know that, sire. But...it's just some of your subjects think you should just look out of the window every now and again. They like it.

B: It's called PR, sire.

K: BS, more like. I shall not be poking my God-anointed crown from that window like a paltry strumpet for anyone. Do you know, Archbishop, when I last looked out?

A: No, sire.

K: The Feast of Stephen.

B: [Whisper] Boxing Day.

A: And, naturally, a king may cast his royal gaze wheree'er he please, but, some of the people are becoming restless. They feel that you have abandoned them, by always looking in, and never out.

K: Nonsense. You know, the last time I looked out, it was all snowy and there were some chaps there, and they were just thrilled to see me. Good tidings we bring, they said, to you and your king. And, you know, I said, that doesn't really make sense, old man, because I am the king, you see, and we had a good old chuckle about that.

B: Ah, but the public is fickle. They expect you to make state visits...to them window. And if you don't, well...

K: Well what? They wouldn't turn on Good King Wences.

A: Ah, sire, they don't call you Good King Wences any more.

K: What do they call me?

A: King Wences.

B: And sometimes, King Wences, The Infrequent-Looker-Outer.

K: Oh, this is bad, very bad.

B: And there's been civil unrest in Wencesbad, in which 500 people died.

K: Stick to the important stuff, can't you, Bartholomew?

B: Where they also burnt an effigy of your window.

K: Good garnishes, what am I to do? I can't just start looking out all of a sudden, like it's going out of fashion, they'll know I bow to public pressure.

B: I have taken the liberty, sire, of bringing in advice from neighbouring crowned heads, who have weathered similar civil unrest with dignity.

K: Capital! A fellow king, eh? Let's get him in here.

B: Not just one king, sire.

A: [Calling] Show in the 3 kings!

SFX: Bustle of entering retinue.

K: Gentlemen, gentlemen, welcome. Tell me, how fare things in the great land of Orientare?

I hate my job as a window cleaner in Provence.

Aix and panes everywhere.

A women walks into a Window shop looking for a replacement window.

BARRY: Hi I'm Barry Window from Barry's windows .
KAREN:I know I'm in your shop.
BARRY: So you are, how can I help you?
KAREN:A child on my street kicked a football and smashed my front window.
BARRY:Excellent
KAREN: Excuse me?
BARRY: It is world cup season, boys will be boys.
KAREN: He was a girl.
BARRY: I'm so sorry.
KAREN: Well, her parents are paying for it, so I ...
BARRY (interrupting): Nice! Insurance jobby is it? I have just the thing.
KAREN: Just a standard replacement window will do please.
BARRY: Why get standard when you don't have to foot the bill. you don't want any Tom, Dick or Harry, ordinary run of the mill windows. Like these. (Points at a window) SMASH.
KAREN (Shocked): Jesus Christ.
BARRY: See,that's what standard gets you. Single glaze is the past. Single and all alone, brittle and simple.
You need to double up, find that perfect mate to the single glazed. Double glazed maybe?
KAREN: Yes.
BARRY: NO! BANG! (He bangs on a window with a sledge hammer)
KAREN: Why?

BARRY tries his hardest to smash the stubborn double glazed window.

BARRY: It's fundamentally a Bad idea! (BANG!) Wrong choice. (BANG!) Just look. (BANG!) At how weak they are. (BANG.BANG. SMASH!)
KAREN: Seems pretty durable to me.
BARRY: Unfortunately there isn't a match.com for windows so an upgrade to double glaze is pointless when you can get our new 99 times glazed windows.
KAREN: That seems a bit excessive.
BARRY: (Determined) Never.
KAREN: (Reluctant) OK.
BARRY: Where are you from madam if you don't mind me asking?
KAREN: Birmingham.
BARRY: Arr the rough end? Then you need x-ray windows. Forget curtain twitching, these are a one way mirrored voyeur's dream. Keep an eye on your street and observe as burglars approach by night, or your neighbours extra marital affairs.
KAREN: No thank you.
BARRY: Then how about our washable windows, they clean without you having to lift a finger.
KAREN: Oh I've heard about these self cleaning windows, snazzy!
BARRY: Self cleaning? Oh no, they come with Sergio. A gourmet window cleaner. Cheap at just 42.50 weekly.
KAREN: I'm leaving.
BARRY: Please don't go.
KAREN: I only came in for a standard replacement window.
BARRY: How about colour filtered, to suit your mood?
KAREN: No!
BARRY: Make it Christmas all year with light up windows.
KAREN: No! (Karen makes her way to the exit).
BARRY: They have 5 different pattern settings.
KAREN: (Walking away) NO!

As KAREN reaches the door BARRY trying his hardest lays down the Ace up his sleeve.

BARRY: WINDOWS.

KAREN turns around.

KAREN: That's all I wanted.
BARRY: Then come and look at these in the back.

BARRY leads KAREN in to the stock room.

BARRY: These are special, not on sale anywhere yet. They are called Windows.
KAREN: See that's all I needed, simple, strong and practical windows. Whats the catch.
BARRY: Windows.
KAREN: Windows that are just windows, OK I'll take them.
BARRY: Windows.
KAREN: I get it windows. Thank you.
BARRY: NO, I don't think you do.
KAREN: Windows?
BARRY: Yes, Windows... with built in Windows.
KAREN: This is a joke now.

KAREN leaves and BARRY follows her.

BARRY: (Shouts) Its Windows 8.

A SALESMAN RINGS A DOOR BELL. A LADY ANSWERS.

SALESMAN:
Good afternoon ma'am I'm a door to door salesman.

LADY:
I thought you were obsolete in this day and age.

SALESMAN:
We are but not me. I am the lone survivor of a dying breed, the lone wolf...once I stop we will be extinct. Just call me the Spankasaurus.

LADY:
Why?

SALESMAN:
Because that's my name...well it's not my name. My name is Harry, Harry Spanx.

LADY:
So what can I do for you Harry Spanx. What are you selling?

HARRY:
It's not so much what I'm selling but how I sell it and what I'm selling of course.

LADY:
You're really not off to a good start Harry. My door was fully open when I first answered it now it's ajar at best.

HARRY:
I wouldn't worry too much about that as the old saying goes 'when a door closes a window opens.'

LADY:
I don't think that's a saying.

HARRY:
My point is a good salesman always finds a way. I once spent three months in a chimney to make a sale.

LADY:
So what happens if I close all the windows?

HARRY:
Well then all the doors fly open. You see it's all got to do with pressure. If you don't leave something open then all the pressure builds up inside the house and you know what can happen then...the roof can blow off. Then all the salesmen can just filter in to their hearts content.

LADY:
I thought you were the only one, 'The lone wolf'.

HARRY:
Exactly, all the lone wolves can just hop in through the top of the house rousing you from your sleep asking you if you want to buy hat stabilisers, dust mufflers or even goose helmets.

SHE PUSHES THE DOOR OUT FURTHER.

LADY:
Just open a crack now. So is that what you're selling Mr. Spanx, dust helmets and such?

HARRY:
Not me. Take a look at this case.

HE OPENS A BRIEFCASE.

HARRY (CNTD):
Look at this compartment here.

LADY:
There's nothing in it.

HARRY:
Exactly, but there is something in it. How would you like some ghost wafers - great if you want to get your hands all sticky when eating ice-cream...and here we have covert glass - perfect alternative to genuine glass.

LADY:
You're pointing at nothing.

HARRY:
In that case would you like a spider paw? A wind slicer - no better tool for when you want to cut the air above the grass...Perhaps a shadow makeover...treat your shadow to a-

LADY:
And fully closed.

SHE SHUTS THE DOOR AND WALKS BACK INTO HER LIVINGROOM. HARRY IS CASUALLY RECLINING ON THE COUCH.

LADY (SHOCKED):
How did you get in here?!

HARRY:
Your windows, covert glass....Ice cream?

HE OFFERS THE LADY A BLOCK OF ICECREAM WHICH IS HALF MELTED AND RUNNING DOWN HIS ARM.

END.

INT. AN UNDERTAKER'S SHOWROOM - MAGNIFICENT COFFINS ABOUND

CUSTOMER
Yes, well, they're all very nice coffins, I'm sure. But what I'm really looking for is something with nice big windows. Double-glazed, naturally, and incorporating a decorative, leaded-light depicting Sandro Botticelli's "Birth of Venus", which would be something especially nice to have open on a hot summer's day.

UNDERTAKER
Aaah, I sense we have a jester amongst us. Permit me, sir, to join in, if I may be so bold. (CLEARS HIS THROAT) And would sir also be interested in securing the services of a window cleaner?

CUSTOMER
That sounds eminently sensible. Can you arrange that?

UNDERTAKER
Haha. Very amusing, sir

CUSTOMER
No. I'm not being funny. I'm deadly serious.

UNDERTAKER
And another good one. Deadly serious. Haha. Very good.

CUSTOMER
No. Listen. That is what I want - I want windows.

UNDERTAKER
You do?

CUSTOMER
Yes. Imagine the frustration of spending an eternity underground without ever being able to enjoy the view. How on earth is a chap supposed to enjoy his new station in life in the complete absence of a stimulating vista?

UNDERTAKER
Excuse my bluntness, sir, but as a dead person you won't be in a fit state to be stimulated by anything, vistas included.

CUSTOMER
And apart from any purely aesthetic considerations, one of my biggest fears - or, perhaps, even the biggest fear - has always been the fear of being buried alive.

UNDERTAKER
Ah. Let me stop you there, sir, and assure you that dead people are never buried alive.

CUSTOMER
But what if they were?

UNDERTAKER
It couldn't happen.

CUSTOMER
But it could.

UNDERTAKER
It couldn't. Largely because they're already dead.

CUSTOMER
How can you be so sure?

UNDERTAKER
Because I've got a little mirror, that's how. A little mirror that I hold up to the body's nostrils to check for condensation carried upon the breath. Not that there ever is any breath, of course, nor could there be, not from a corpse, but you get my meaning. Suffice to say, I'm careful. Very careful.

CUSTOMER
Yes. But what if I were to be momentarily holding my breath, which I frequently do as part of my spontaneous, hatha yoga routines? What then? What use is a little mirror once the coffin lid goes on and gets screwed down? Tell me that - what use is it?

UNDERTAKER
What can I say, sir? You're literally asking me to think outside the box, so to speak. Hmmmmm. I suppose you could always bang on the sides, or on the lid. You could use your fists, your feet, your knees, whatever it takes. Or you could simply shout out "HELP - LET ME OUT". Any of those methods should secure your release.

CUSTOMER
But what if I'd been lying awkwardly and I couldn't move my arms because they'd gone to sleep. And what if I'd also got cramp in my legs? And what if I had a dry throat and couldn't shout? What then? What's your answer to that scenario? Hey?

UNDERTAKER
(SIGHS) Oh, I dunno. I give up. Windows?

CUSTOMER
Windows. Precisely. If there were windows in the coffin my physical infirmities and dry throat wouldn't be a problem. I could look out at the grieving mourners and silently mouth my words, something along the lines of (ACCENTUATES HIS WORDS AS IF SILENTLY MOUTHING THEM) "Please, let me out. I'm alright, really I am. I can't bang with my fists you see because my arms have gone to sleep, and I've got cramp in my legs, and my throat's very dry. But it could be worse. At least I'm not dead."

UNDERTAKER
And you'd fully expect a grieving mourner, with tear-filled eyes, to be able to lip-read all that?

CUSTOMER
They wouldn't have to, would they. The mere fact that they'd seen me looking at them and moving my lips would surely be evidence enough for them to say "Hang about, he's not dead. Unscrew that lid and let's get that man a cup of tea - milk two sugars - and a couple of Hob Nobs."

UNDERTAKER
Alright, you win. I'll do you one with windows. So is that it, then? Are we done? Or is there anything else sir can't possibly die without?

CUSTOMER
I'll need a socket for my anglepoise lamp ... for reading. Obviously

UNDERTAKER
Obviously.

CUSTOMER
And don't forget to engage a window cleaner.

END

have window , will lick .

commentator 1 bob ; ' and welcome to the final of the world window licking championships 2014 ! you join us as we are down to the final 2 - whats your thoughts then bill ? .

commemntator 2 bill ; ' spock sliding down a banister with jedward balanced on his ears . radishes !'

bob ; ' thanks bill , insightful as ever ! so , here is our first contender from japan . lets see how he does . yes - he is approaching the windows slowly . the tongue at this point is still behind closed lips . he is now walking towards the big bay window , a mighty target that looks like loads of eensy weensy windows inside a big one . still no tongue action . is he going to make a move ? '

bill ' johnny cash used to eat 14 bacon sandwiches a day '

bob ' exactly bill ! and here we go ! head bent ,, nice angle of approach , starting off in the bottom left corner - and oh my , what a fantastic technique - rapid tiny licks concentrating on small area of glass - its like a cat drinking water ! great consistency in both speed and accuracy ..'

bert ' its like watching a lesbo porno on fast forward '

bob 'nice of you to join us bert !'

bill ' friends . romans . lesser spotted south American tree frogs . '

bob ' indeed . anyway back to the action . onamota - the Nissan gtr of the window licking world - lightning quick and great precision ! he seems to be tiring as he gets down to the last few inches of glass . he gas gone from about 400 lpms .'

bert ' which is licks per minute to all you new window lickin fans !'

bill ' great scott marty ! why are you shaking so much ? '

bob ' THANK YOU GUYS ! anyway , as I was saying , he has dropped down to about 250 lpms which is going to affect his consistency mark . and the crowd burst into applause as onamoto finishes . great performance overall , shame he let the pace slip at the end . so onamoto walks off to take his seat as his fearsome opponent takes his place . the 6 times world champion of window licking , 11 times eruo lique du pane champion , 'which window to lick' magazines grand licker , its kurt von slurper from germany '

bill ' have you had an accident ? then don't be so f**king clumsy .'

bert ' so . slurper marches up to the large double glazed unit . he's studying its form , calculating how many licks he needs , saliva consumption and tongue fatigue - that's why he is so damn good . the steve davis of window licking .'

bill ' snooker loopy nuts are we !'

bob ' and the german champion is off ! fantastic technique ! 2 palms on the high part of the window , head and neck working in tandem with tongue to produce long , languid licks ! he is doing about 12 - 1 inches a time ! absolutely bri..... OH NO ! disaster , he has let a little too much saliva out there and has dribbled on the glass ! has this given onamato a chance ? nice recovery there as he slurps it up and finishes off with a flurry ! '

bert ' and off he goes to sit down next to onamoto , too close to call I would say , both started off well but made mistakes towards the end ..'

bill ' no luke , I am your cabbage ! '

bob ' and here we go ! the judges are ready ....and its ...8.5 for onamoto and ......and ..8...... point 5 for von slurper !! its a tie ! which means we go to sudden death penalty licks !!

bill ' alas poor yoric . I knew he was a nonce.'

bob ' what drama ! each player has to run blindfolded towars 5 windows in a line . he has to do a drive by licking of each window as he runs by . not easy.'

bert ' nope . I have been blindfolded and forced to lick before , it was a business trip to Thailand and..'

bob ' andddd we don't want to know ! here goes onamoto , he's ready to go , blindfolded and relying on his senses to guide him . off he goes at a steady trot ... head tilted to the left , tongue our ready ...and yes ...lick...lick ..oooh miss..lick ...lick !! 4 out of 5 for the Japanese licker ! '

bill ' why , mister darcy , are you staring at my heaving bosom ? '

bert ' here comes the german , marching efficiently and purposefully toward his fate .. he take a run up , lowers his head to an obscene angle and ....1....2..3...4......5 !!! he's done it ! 5 out ot 5 for von slurper '

bob ' yes !! the german wins !!! what a great performance under pressure !! '

BILL '' FUCKING GERMANS ALWAYS WIN ON PENALTY LICKS !!''

fin.

Lots of good stuff this week. I'll give my bays to Michael - not the sort of sketch I normally go for, but very nicely put together - but Pedro deserves a sepcial mention, because their 1st 2 lines made me giggle roundly.

I liked Michael Monkhouse and Slarnder's, but Stonked was on absolute top form this week, so voting for Stonked. If he wins this week he deserves double points!

slarnder's emerges in front after licking Pedro Labeef's behind.

Thank you Shirl - you've made my day

I think a lot of good sketch writing starts with a great premise and Slarnders licking windows competition was definitely a wonderful premise with great commentary throughout. Yep Slarnder for me.

as bill would say ' never eat pink turnips ! ' and through my window I see gappy as the winner for his deep and crisp and even sketch