Skitcomp 11 - 19.4.14

Thanks for another phwoarsome skitcomp and congratulations to STONKED and GAPPY for winning: please get pished as a farth and PM me with a subject apiss for next wank. Mixing my metahors.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
3 - 10 - Stonked, Gappy
Specially mentioned: Otterfox

Your new subject: SPRING (chosen by Shirl The Whirl).

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except bin Laden.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 19.4.14

Overall Leader Board is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 40 - Stonked
2 - 36 - Gappy
3 - 20 - ShirlTheWhirl
4 - 5 - Gregmweir, Supermanc, Michael Monkhouse
5 - 1 - Otterfox, Nick81

oh the joys of spring
so the welsh fellows sing
with a jump and a leap
they 'spring' on a sheep
and molest the poor wooly thing !

WOMAN: [Chanting] 2, 4, 6, 8, who told you I want to mate?

REPORTER: Good afternoon. You join us on Fairstile Common outside Bangor for this special report. Madam, may I enquire what you're doing?

W: I'm protesting. Reclaim the spring! Reclaim the spring!

R: And what are you protesting about, if I may ask?

W: "If I may ask"! Typical man, just blundering in without a second's thought. I'm protesting against male rabbits who think that female rabbits are, ahem, "asking for it", just because of the way they look. [Chanting] No means no! Doe means doe! Buck off, Mr Rabbit!

R: And when you say the way they look you mean...?

W: The various mating rituals that a female rabbit might undertake at this time of year do not equate to an invitation to males to have sex. I mean, answer me this: when a female rabbit thumps the ground with its hind feet and sprays urine in an arc, does this mean they want to be mounted?

R: No.

W: No, exactly.

R: It's the male rabbits that do that. Lapine sexual selection is essentially gynocratic.

W: Well. Alright. But, if they did do a load of mating rituals, it wouldn't mean they wanted to mate.

R: Yes it would.

W: It wouldn't!

R: Yes it would. That's precisely what mating rituals mean. It's mating season.

W: Pah, mating season is a buck concept.

R: No it's not. It's a human concept. Rabbits can't have concepts; they can't communicate at all, to any meaningful degree. In fact the only thing they actually *can* communicate effectively is "I want you to have sex with me". That and "ouch".

W: And that's why I'm speaking for them. Being bullied into sex-

R: Into selecting a partner from a group of willing potential mates

W: - by society.

R: If I might make so bold, your intentions are noble, but you've not really grasped how this works. I'm all for total clothing rights for women, and I've been on the odd Slut Walk myself; I think it's fundamentally wrong to blame a woman for inflaming a man's lust, because men have a conscious choice, they are not animals. But animals are.

W: You mean like rabbits?

R: Yes.

W: What about dogs?

R: Yep, they're animals too.

W: Newts?

R: Mmm-hmm.

W: How about kinkajous? And echidnas, surely not echidnas.

R: Afraid so.

W: What about yeast?

R: Erm....I'm not sure. Don't think so, strictly speaking.

W: Brilliant! Oi, you think I'm going to convert your sugars to carbon dioxide? [Chanting] Hell no, we won't dough! [Fading] 1, 3, 5, 7, yours are loaves we will not leaven!

R: Next up, where *are* the birds that lay these chocolate eggs we've been seeing? Back to you in the studio, Steve.

INT. A TERRACE HOUSE IN ROMFORD
AN OLD COUPLE ARE SITTING IN THEIR LOUNGE. THEY ARE SUCKING MITCHAM MINTS.

HARRY
Right, Mary. How does this sound? When I was young I dressed to impress. Now that I'm old I impress myself if I manage to get dressed.

MARY
Oh, so true. And so sad.

HARRY
It's supposed to be a joke.

MARY
Oh, sorry. I didn't realise. You should have warned me, rather than just springing it on me like that. I could do with a laugh.

HARRY
No worries. Here's another one.

MARY
Tell me the first one again. I might find it funny now that I know it's supposed to be a joke.

HARRY
Forget that one. Tell me what you think of this. It's another joke. Right? This is it. I'm rich today because I had a friend who believed in me and trusted me ... with the keys to his safe.

MARY
You're not rich.

HARRY
I know I'm not rich. It's a joke.

MARY
How can it be a joke? It's not funny, not being rich.

HARRY
OK. Try this one. This is another joke about getting dressed. Tell me what you think. This is it. You know you're getting old when you have to tuck your testicles into your socks.

MARY
I haven't got testicles.

HARRY
You don't have to have testicles. It's a joke.

MARY
I don't wear socks, either.

HARRY
I give up. You're impossible, you are.

MARY
You could have said "You know you're getting old when you have to tuck your tits into your knickers". That's funny.

HARRY
I haven't got tits, have I.

MARY
You don't have to have tits. It's a joke.

END

Stonked gets the prize again, from me. OK, it was a bit dubious to call it a spring sketch just because it had the word "springing" hidden in it, but also it had lots of funny lines far-from-hidden in it, so boom.

(NB I imagined them in Billericay sucking Everton mints, hope I didn't spoil it).

Gappy gets my Easter egg. That crazy woman reminds me of somebody I knew in the 60s. If you'd mentioned that she had hairy armpits and smoked roll-ups it could almost have been her.

Well, it is Leap Year. Gappy.