Top 20 Christmas cracker jokes 2020

Gold Christmas Cracker Jokes. Copyright: UKTV

Here's the winners of TV channel Gold's annual competition to find the funniest new Christmas cracker jokes...


1. What is Dominic Cummings' favourite Christmas song? Driving Home for Christmas


2. Did you hear that production was down at Santa's workshop? Many of his workers have had to Elf isolate!


3. Why didn't Mary and Joseph make it to Bethlehem? All Virgin flights were cancelled


4. Why are Santa's reindeer allowed to travel on Christmas Eve? They have herd immunity


5. Why did the pirates have to go into lockdown? Because the "Arrrr!" rate had risen


6. Why is it best to think of 2020 like a panto? Because eventually, it's behind you


7. Why couldn't Mary and Joseph join their work conference call? Because there was no Zoom at the inn


8. Why can't Boris Johnson make his Christmas cake until the last minute? He doesn't know how many tiers it should have


9. What do the Trumps do for Christmas dinner? They put on a super spread


10. Which Christmas film was 30 years ahead of its time? Home Alone


11. How do you play Dominic Cummings Monopoly? Ignore the rules, move anywhere on the board you like, and never Go To Jail


12. Why won't Santa lose any presents this year? He's downloaded Sack and Trace


13. How is the pandemic like my stomach after Christmas? It'll take ages to flatten the curve


14. How is Prince Andrew coping with the stresses of Christmas this year? Fine. No sweat


15. Why wasn't Rudolph allowed to take part in vaccine trials? Because they only wanted guinea pigs


16. Which government scheme supports Christmas dinner? Eat Sprout To Help Out


17. How can you get out of talking to your boss at this year's staff Christmas party? Put him on mute


18. How does Santa keep track of all the fireplaces he's visited? He keeps a logbook


19. Who dresses in red and gives to the children this Christmas? Marcus Rashford


20. Why did Mary and Joseph have to travel to Bethlehem? Because they couldn't book a home delivery


Now in its eighth year, the Gold competition challenges entrants to come up with the best topical and modern Christmas cracker jokes. Entries were shortlisted by a panel of judges - led by comedy critic Bruce Dessau - and put to an anonymous public vote of 2,000 British adults to reveal the winning jokes. The top six jokes are included within bespoke boxes of Gold's Christmas crackers, which were presented to this year's winners.

The author of the winning joke, Craig from Manchester, also received £1,500 towards a holiday.

Bruce Dessau says: "Amongst one of the strangest and most turbulent years yet, we can always rely on British humour to pull us through. With subjects ranging from Zoom and self-isolation to Boris Johnson and Dominic Cummings, there are jokes here to tickle everyone after a challenging year."

Gerald Casey from Gold comments: "The festive period is a time for reflection, and although the nation has certainly had a difficult year, it's heartening to see that British wit remains as sharp as ever."

Share this page