Are men supposed to be fighters? Lovers? Hunter-gatherers? Fashionistas? Business gurus? Culinary experts? You're wrong if you think one man can't be a jack AND a master of all trades.

In How To Be A Man, I'll show you how to be a proper god amongst men. This book caters for a girthy gap in the market but it's not just for the lads! Ladies, take heed - these are the qualities you should look for in a heterosexual mate.

You'll learn how to boss a job interview (the eyes are the windows to the soul - that's why you should avoid eye-contact at all costs. You don't want them looking into your disgustingly dirty soul); some chirpising tekkers (I have invented a new style call 7 down, 1 up. You viciously insult the lady seven times and then give her one compliment) and I've even shared some of my go-to recipes (Medium Rare Hearty Chicken with Crunchy Peanut Dust Roast Potato and Beef Monster Munch). But I'm not giving you any more details than that - you'll have to buy the book. Remember, the first hit's for free but you'll be back! ;)

So, sit back, relax, light a candle. Get naked if you want to. Get the baby oil out - I don't judge - and let your manly juices flow.

PS. I dedicate this book to my ex-wife, Aldona. I loved you and you ended up running away with another man, stealing my beautiful Merc and my most prized possession - the golden foot spa. But I'm totally over it and look at me now - I'm only a bloody published author. So yeah, I'm totally FINE. I'm thriving, in fact. I don't need you anymore! I AM SO OVER YOU! HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS BOOK!

First published: Thursday 1st November 2018