Terry McConnell

Terry is the dad of Malky. He is desperate for his son to play football.

Terry used to play football when he was a teenager with his now-boss Steve Robson. With one dirty tackle, Steve ended any potential football career for Terry when he was just 19, which perhaps explains why Terry is now so determined for his son to succeed at the game.

Despite all Terry's faults, he's got a good heart and the right idea of what he wants for his boy. Unfortunately he's sometimes a bit heavy handed in his approach and cannot see that Malky actually wants to cook rather than get dirty.

Janice McConnell

Janice is Terry's long-suffering but very reasonable wife. She is forever washing dirty kit and clearing up the trail of destruction Terry seems to leave in his path.

Janice is a bit put-upon and downtrodden. She is really excited and determined that the club should win the football league, but only so she can get a trip to a swanky hotel in Birmingham. She's basically wants to get away from being stuck in the house and would like to be able to put a posh frock on for once.

Sandra Farrell

Sandra is married to Vincent, the owner of a struggling local firm of funeral directors and proud sponsors of the team.

Their tomboy daughter Ali plays in the team as an ill-disciplined midfielder who insists she is not a ****ing girl.

Sandra is chairman of the football team and it is her that invited the documentary crew along (thinking it'd be a good sponsorship opportunity). She's a pretty ballsy lady and ropes in her husband's undertaking business to fund the team, as she thinks they have enough money. It soon becomes apparent that, in fact, their business doesn't, and so Vincent is soon willing people to die so they can up the funds!

Vincent Farrell

Vincent is Sandra's long-suffering husband who is desperate for his tomboy daughter Ali to turn her interests to ballet rather than football.

Vincent's firm sponsors the kids' football team, at the request of his wife, who's a bit of a football fanatic. Vincent himself isn't actually particularly interested in football, but he does go to the matches because his daughter is also pretty obsessed with the game; and he's just desperate for her to at least acknowledge that she's a girl!

Vincent is having a pretty tough time financially as his funeral directors business isn't doing so well at the moment - if anybody dies there's now a real celebration to be had in the Farrell household!

Debbie Rossi

Newly divorced and newly thin, Debbie is playing the field pretty extensively in her search for a stepfather for her young son.

Debbie is Janice's best mate and her son Jack plays in the football team with Malky. She keeps palming Jack off on Janice so she can go to the gym and go out on dates - she seems to have a different fella every week!

Despite this self-absorption, Debbie does have a good heart. She doesn't exactly share everyone's love of football though. In fact, she's really not that bothered about the games - she'll often be on the side of the pitch chatting away on her mobile, either that or telling Janice to cheer on Jack whilst she goes and snogs someone in the car!

Steve Robson

Steve Robson owns the car dealership where Terry works. He is also the reason that Terry couldn't pursue his dream of becoming a professional footballer.

He and Terry both started out at the same time in a youth team; he was dating Janice at the time, but he then made a hideous tackle on Terry which ended any potential footballing career he might have had, and lost him Janice to Terry in the process.

Steve's own football career was pretty short lived, so he opened a car dealership and did pretty well, whilst eternally regretting losing Janice, the love of his life.

Terry is now constantly in Steve's office wanting this and that, and because Steve once had a bit of a history with Bolton Wanderers, Terry's now always badgering him to get trials for Malky.

Dr. Kaskar

Dr Kaskar is a gynaecologist in Bolton and is hugely ambitious for his footballing son Ranjit. He is locked in a constant battle with rival dad Terry.

Ranjit is soon the joint leading goal scorer with Terry's son Malky. As a result of this, Terry and Dr Kaskar become even more deadly rivals, constantly fighting and bickering with a lot of one-upmanship, whereas the kids get on well, love the game, have other hobbies and interests and are basically altogether more grown up than their parents.

Raymond Mercier

Raymond Mercier is the dishy Parisian replacement coach who has the women drooling despite his indecipherable philosophical utterances.

Mercier does have a genuine love of football and is enthusiastic about transmitting his love of the game to the kids he's coaching. Unfortunately he doesn't have a great grasp of English and so sometimes has a very weird way of getting this vibe to the children. He seems to relate things back to nature, and for some reason fish come into it quite a lot!

Kaskar and Terry are always arguing with Raymond because they don't agree with his tactics - this probably has something to do with the fact that he prefers the 4-5-1 formation which means their sons (who are strikers) have to spend time on the bench.

Fourbellies

Fourbellies is Terry's best mate and his son Gordy plays, with questionable ability, in the Under 11 team.

Fourbellies is very much a sheep - he is Terry's downtrodden best friend who takes a lot of stick off him and just lets it happen. He's pretty straightforward and is just happy to be Terry's mate.

Fourbellies' approach to his son Gordy's involvement in the team is equally laid back: He's nowhere near as pushy as Terry. He's happy just to go to the football, watch his son play and then go on to the pub afterwards.