Therapist: "Mr Nesbitt, were you close to your father?"

Rab: "Not unless I could help it, otherwise I would get a boot about the melt, but I always remember the friction burns he left on the carpet when I handed over my first wage packet."

Mary: [shocked] "My God" [to the therapist] "It's weird that you can live with someone for so long but you never really know them"

Rab: "Didn't you know my father was an alky?"

Mary: "Oh aye, but I didn't know you had a job!"

Some place Govan eh? Where else can you get a fish supper at 9am? Simple, just steal it off a drunk that's been lyin pished outside a close all night.

Rab C. Nesbitt (Gregor Fisher)

There's nothing that restores yer faith more in human nature than meeting some poor bastard that's just as mad as yourself.

Rab C. Nesbitt (Gregor Fisher). After meeting his Spanish double on a holiday to Benidorm

It's not Buckfast that sign should say, it should say Fastbuck

Rab C. Nesbitt (Gregor Fisher)

Rab: "Mary, you and I go back a long way to let a pound of dead meat come between us."

Mary: "Let's leave our sex life out of this."