1: Right. I think that's most of the evening sorted. What's next?
2: News at 10.
1: Easy. Something like: "And now on BBC1, the News At Ten with Huw Edwards"?
2: Boom! That's the bomb, bruv, you feel me?
1: Maybe later. So, continuity wrapped up for another night, then.
2: Nearly. We just have the late film to do. Let me have a look now...oh yes, it's Nazi Cock Sluts.
2: Yeah, I know, same stuff on a bleeding loop, isn't it?
1: Mmmm. So we should probably do the normal warning: "Blah de blah this film contains images which some viewers may find offensive".
2: Do you think that's necessary?
1: Of course it's necessary!
2: Have you seen Nazi Cock Sluts?
1: Well, no.
2: So, what are your first impressions? Do you imagine, for example, that it might be a little risqué.
1: [Thinks] Yes, I do. I might even go so far as to suspect it will be bawdy.
2: Indeed. And that's before we even start considering the potential offence caused by institutionalised xenophobia.
1: So we definitely should put the warning in, then?
2: No! We should say, "Next up, Nazi Cock Sluts: genocide meets barely legal Bavarian spit-roasting, with hilarious consequences". Anyone who's still offended after that intro has no conception of their own opinions, and unless they've just come out of a coma, a monastery or an experimental tissue-growth cloning vat, their complaints will therefore be worthless. We come up smelling rosy, and retain our integrity.
1: Yeah, right. But I still think some people may find it offensive.
2: Of course they *may*. That's what "may" means, isn't it? Every image has the capacity to cause offence somewhere in the vast tapestry of humanity, it's staitistically inevitable. I mean, bloody hell, there are people out there who get offended by things that aren't rape and racism. I've read the letters. "Dear BBC, stop putting darkies on the telly, it gets right on my wick". But we don't apologise to them.
1: Right! I got one the other day complaining that the numbers on Countdown were a secret code that made lemon curd go mouldy.
2: [Getting excited] And yet we don't say, "The BBC would like to apologise to complete f**king nincompoops that they *may* be woefully confused by something on a different channel", do we?
1: [Building steam] Damn straight! So, let's say "Hey, it's Nazi Cock Sluts! Warning: arseholes should realise that a national broadcasting corporation must serve the interests of everybody in that nation, which means you might not like everything it does."
2: [Shouting] "In fact, it means you definitely won't like all of it, because you're not the only person in Britain, so f**king well shut up and watch the film, or go to bed".
1: [Shouting] Warning, you might not win the lottery even if you watch it!
2: [Shouting] Warning, a pigeon may crap on you within 6 months of seeing Poldark!
1: [Shouting] Newsflash, pissflaps: turns out the world doesn't actually revolve around you and your worthless, arse-begotten life!
1 & 2: [Screaming] Deal with it!!
1: [Pause, then calmly] But we should still tell them that no animals got hurt, right?
2: Oh, God yes. "Viewers should be aware that this film does NOT contain discomfort for Nazi animals"
1: How about, "from the outset"?
2: Back of the net! Dat's the bomb for sure, cuz, innit?
1: Please stop doing that.
Violent food descends over you.