Sketch Comp 23-30.10.10

Nice ones and congratulations to... NIGEL KELLY the worthy victor. Do get handsomely rat-arsed, have 10 points and PM me for next week's subject please.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name

4 - 10 - Nigel Kelly
3 - 5 - me
1 - 1 - Alex Mahon, Reg N, Otterfox
Honourable mention: Stephen Birch, Steve Sunshine

Your new subject: FOREIGN (suggested by AngieBaby)
Rules:
One entry per person. Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 30.10.10

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

151!!!!! - Mr Sunshine
136 - Otterfox
133 - Cool Mikado
120 - Kasm
117 - Nigel Kelly
112 - Chris Forshaw
108 - Frankie Rage
104 - Michael Monkhouse
103 - Charley Rance
98 - Fred Peters
94 - Timbo
69 - Angiebaby
66 - Jude
65 - Baumski
55 - Scratchyr, Gerry McDonnell
37 - Afinkawan
34 - Alex Mahon
32 - Swerytd, Paul Watson
28 - Leevil
26 - David Chapman
25 - Craig H
23 - Roscoff
22 - Blobster
21 - Mikey J
20 - Ishy, Bushbaby, James Harris, Kevin Murphy, Dannyjb1, Niteowl, Lazzard
18 - Tom
17 - Ellie
16 - Eggie
15 - Nil Putters, Cinnamon, Dale
12 - Geoff Mutton, Badge, Will Cam
11 - Steven
10 - Stephen Goodlad, Robo, Nitram Skir, Socrates, Tom Campbell, Tommy Power, Waring
09 - ajp29, ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - Stephen Birch, The Giggle-O, James, garyd, Winterlight
06 - Little Jersey Devil, Hellboy, Wayne Lewis, John Kelly, Andrew Lynch
05 - Karlos the Great, Drew, Pedros, Summer G, Mannikin Bird, Tumble, Greggles, Happy Shopper, Timothy Marshal-Nichols, Rob B
04 - Andy W, losaavedra
03 - Reg N
02 - Stu R, Imamazed, Slack Bladder, Paul Nash, Boits, Gavin
01 - Ming The Mirthless, Minty, Shpadoinkle, Shaggy292, amillionpounds, Jake How, David Bussell, Charisma, Skibbington von Skubber, Ginger Jesus, Nick Rivers, Daddy Maz, Martin Bickle, Batman, Ray Dawson, Marion, Tooting Jo

Any ballsups, PM me please.

French Dissin'

CLASSROOM.
Sweet girlie teacher, all glasses and freckles and pony-tails, addresses the kids:

TEACHER Hell children hello hello. Today we shall learn all about France, that pretty little land not one hour's voyage away by ferryboat.
Now you may hear simply beastly things about the French. Many say this because of 'historical rivalry': the Battle of Agincourt, the Battle of Trafalgar... But it's been rather a long time hasn't it? I don't remember either of those events! No, we hear naughty things about the French because they are little f**kers.
I mean arrogant or what? Jeez they make Victoria Beckham look like Mother Theresa. Ever tried asking a froggie for directions, speak perfect French and he'll still look at you like you just asked to shag his mère. 'Je ne comprend pas,' well let's all try it eh, next time they condescend to ask you the way you look at him like a complete tĕte de dick and go 'Can't f**king unnerstand a word mate', see how he likes it.
'Cause they're racist - right of centre? Right of Hitler more like - how d'you say 'computer' in Spanish? 'Computer'. German? 'Computer'. Any bleedin' language in the friggin' world except French, 'computer'. Not good enough for them is it, too anglais, gotta go 'le micro-ordinateur'. Internet? 'La toile'. Even AIDS, 'SIDA'. I reckon you could get some sad desperate Brit in Paris bleeding and terrified of contracting the virus, the doctor'd go 'AIDS? Je ne comprend pas,' they'd let you bleed to death up la creek de merde sans paddle rather than give up le francais.
Yet they're so proud of their artistic history aren't they? Ooh Godard, pompous tosser who jumped scenes, well only because he ran out of film, too busy spending it on coq de vin. And his most famous flick he didn't even write, it was Truffaut - well bugger you and your '400 Blows', that's just what you deserve - with a club - with barbed wire on the end - listening to Lady Gaga. On a Monday. Ooh Antoine falls in lurve wiz ze older wummurn, very original mate, ever heard the words 'Mrs' and 'Robinson'?
Oh and if you're so friggin' artistic, why's the most famous painting in the most famous gallery in your most famous city by a Wop? 'Mona Lisa' and her enigmatic smile, I'll tell you what it means, it means 'What the hell'm I doing here Leonardo?' And disappointing or what, ever heard art students going 'God what a picture, stunning, magnificent, well worth the trip from Stoke'? Nice tits yeah, but that's just the two Japanese tourists crapping themselves at the thought of going home and not getting a photo of the thing.
And speaking of Italian works of art getting manhandled by frogs, just what does Carla Bruni see in that smug balding Prime Minister of hers? No wonder he's always smiling, you'd smile like that - 'Don't worry about the recession and unemployment and crisis, I'm shagging her all right?' - I mean who d'you think you are, Berlusconi?
Well children, I do hope you've enjoyed this morning's little peek across the Channel. Do toddle off for lunch now, and watch out for any Prime Ministers getting randy on the way.

GIRL'S A LOUT

INT: An elegant Indian Restaurant - NIGHT.

A top Film producer and Director are meeting with Geordie music sensation 'SHERILL' COLE to discuss her potential breakthrough movie role.

PRODUCER
Like I said on the phone Sherill, the budget has been agreed, we've got one of THE best young screenwriters on the case and Johnny Depp has just agreed to play the lead role.

SHERILL
Eeh, ah cannit believe it me like. Just think, me on the silver screen. My face blown up to forty feet, my features massive.

DIRECTOR
Especially your mouth.

PRODUCER
'Birdsong' is a project very close to my heart. The book moved me in a most profound way. I think you have just the right quality to play the mysterious yet sexy Frenchwoman, Isabelle. You agree...oui?

SHERILL
Aye, I could dee wirra piss like.

DIRECTOR
Here's the waiter now. Thank Christ.

WAITER
Could I take your order please?

PRODUCER
Certainly my good man. To start I'll have the Sag Aloo, followed by Prawn Bhuna with Pilau Rice and for dessert I'll try a little Kulfi.

WAITER
Excellent choice sir. And you?

DIRECTOR
I'll have the Chicken Chatt on Puri, then Lamb Dopiaza. No dessert for me, just a coffee.

WAITER
And Madam?

SHERILL (holding menu)
Ah'm not sure what to have on 'ere. What's 'medium chicken curry?'

WAITER
It's a mild blend of Indian flavours, suitable for most newcomers to Indian food.

DIRECTOR (sarcastic)
You could try the Chiken Tarka.

SHERILL
What's that taste like?

DIRECTOR
It's like Chicken Tikka, only it's a little 'otter.

SHERILL
Ah'll not be able to eat nowt spicy. Ah cannit see owt I like on 'ere. Da yez dee any other dishes?

WAITER
I'm certain we can rustle something up that would appeal to your palate, madam.

SHERILL
Reet. Ah'll have a tube of Sower Cream and Chive Pringles to start. For me main I want Torkey Twizzlas with curly chips - and can 'ah have red sarce, not broon.

WAITER
Would madam require a side salad with that?

SHERILL
Divvent tek the piss.

DIRECTOR (muttering)
Unbelievable.

WAITER
Would madam like a dessert this evening.

SHERILL
Aye, ah'll 'ave a bag a Haribo Starmix ta finish off. Ta.

WAITER
And what about drinks?

DIRECTOR
Scotch on the rocks. Make it a double.

PRODUCER
Brandy for me. Sherill?

SHERILL
A flute of White Lightnin'. Chee-az love.

DIRECTOR
I would have thought you'd prefer Lambrini?

SHERILL
Nor. It meks me piss stink.

FADE OUT:

FADE IN:
The WAITER brings the meals to the DIRECTOR and the PRODUCER. They begin to eat. He places SHERILL's crescent of Pringles in front of her on a plate. The plate depicts scenes of Indian culture. SHERILL picks up a Pringle and looks at the plate. She puts the Pringle back down and wipes her hand on her clothes.

PRODUCER
Something wrong Sherill?

SHERILL
Ah cannit eat this foreign muck.

END

1. INT: INSIDE A MORGUE. A GLUM POLICE INSPECTOR IS MEETING A LAB COAT WEARING PATHOLOGIST

INSPECTOR:
You wanted to speak to me Jim?

PATHOLOGIST:
Yes. Odd one this Frank.

INSPECTOR:
I take it you don't think she died of a heart attack?

PATHOLOGIST:
Possibly, but it's a bit more complicated. Come and have a look.

THE PATHOLOGIST LEADS THE INSPECTOR OVER TO A COLD ROOM WHERE THE BODY IS BEING KEPT.

PATHOLOGIST:
I was just about to file my report but got a feeling something wasn't right. Anyway, I performed a more thorough examination, and that's when I found this unusual, foreign body inside her.

CAMERA SWINGS AROUND TO THE TABLE. THE DEAD WOMAN IS LYING THERE WITH A DEAD NAKED MAN ON TOP OF HER WEARING A BERET.

ARMY RECRUITER
Do you have any previous experience of dealing with mines?

CANDIDATE
I nearly died because of one

ARMY RECRUITER
Oh, where were you based?

CANDIDATE
Chile

END

Foreign

INT DAY.
A small room in the Foreign Office

A man in a suit sits behind a desk. (Mr Clarke)

A knock at the door.

CLARKE
Come in.

A man enters, wearing a rain mac. (Smith)

SMITH
Ah, Mr Clarke?

CLARKE
Yes, that's me.

SMITH
My name's Albert Smith, I phoned yesterday.

CLARKE
Oh, yes, Mr Smith. Take a seat. Now, what can I do for you?

SMITH
I want to become foreign.

CLARKE
I beg your pardon?

SMITH
Foreign. I want to apply to become foreign.

CLARKE
I'm sorry. What do you mean? Do you want to emigrate?

SMITH
No, no, nothing like that. I just want to be foreign.

CLARKE
Mr Smith, I'm afraid I don't know what you are talking about.

SMITH
Well, I'm British you see. But I'm fed up with being British. We are bad in bed, our food is terrible and we have yellow teeth. I want to try something else.

CLARKE
Something else?

SMITH
Yes, that's right. I hear Italians are good lovers. Maybe I could be Italian.

CLARKE
You can't just become Italian.

SMITH
You're right. French would be better.

CLARKE
Mr Smith, can I ask you a personal question?

SMITH
Go ahead.

CLARKE
Have you ever had any mental health problems?

SMITH
Yes, I have a superiority complex, severe Xenophobia and a religious mania.

CLARKE
Ah, well, that's different. I think I can get you American citizenship.

SMITH
Thank you. Have a nice day.

.....

INT. PUB. NIGHT
STEVE, DAVE AND FRANK, THREE HARDENED 'GEEZERS' IN THEIR 40S ARE SITTING IN A ROUGH CITY PUB AT A SMALL TABLE BY THE DOOR. THEY EACH HAVE HALF FINISHED PINTS IN FRONT OF THEM. DAVE AND FRANK ARE ABSENTL-MINDEDLY TOYING WITH THEIR PHONES AS A GROUP OF MULTI-CULTURAL STUDENTS BURST IN, BRUSHING PAST THE TABLE ON THE WAY TO THE BAR.

STEVE (Bristling)
F**king foreigners coming in here and ruining our country!

DAVE
Too right. Wankers!

STEVE RAISES HIS BEER TO THE OTHERS WHO PICK UP THEIR PINTS

STEVE (Loudly)
Here's to St George!

DAVE
Good old St George!

FRANK
Blimey! Did you know he was Palestinian?

DAVE
Who?

FRANK
St George.

STEVE
Bollocks, was he!

FRANK (holding up his phone)
Says so on wikiwossisname here.

STEVE (rethinking and raising his glass again)
Foreign twat. Right, well, here's to the red rose of England, then!

FRANK
Yeah - to England's red rose.

DAVE (frowning down at his phone)
Um... Egypt's red rose. That's where roses were first grown.

FRANK (looking at his own phone)
Or China... apparently.

STEVE
What the f**k? Okay - here's to the three bloody lions...(fades)

THE THREE OF THEM LOOK AT EACH OTHER

STEVE
Scrub that! The British Bulldog. Let's face it - you can't get more British than the bloody Bu...

DAVE (Examining his phone)
Greece.

STEVE
Boadicea!

FRANK
Celt.

STEVE
Beer!!

DAVE AND FRANK
Iraq.

STEVE
Leave the f**king inter-f**king-net a f**king-lone, will ya!!

A BEAT

DAVE
Tim Berners-Lee.

STEVE
What?

FRANK (looking at his phone)
Tim Berners-Lee invented the internet. We could drink to him?

STEVE (Sarcastic)
Terrific.

SOME MORE FOREIGN STUDENTS COME IN AND BRUSH PAST STEVE WHO PUSHES HIS HALF FINISHED PINT AWAY ANGRILY

STEVE
F**k this - I'm done with all this foreign shit. I'm going for something to eat.

DAVE (Brightening up)
Yeah - let's get a curry.

FRANK (putting his phone away)
Ha - we had a curry last night. Let's get a Chinky instead, or a kebab?

STEVE PUTS HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS

STEVE
I don't believe this.

INT. LARGE ROOM - DAY.

A British DIPLOMAT is addressing 6 men.

DIPLOMAT:
Okay. Long story short; The British government would like to start this whole international relations thing on the right foot, so, I'll just ask you each in turn to tell me the name you came up with for your country. That way we can begin this in the manner in which we wish to continue. I'll start on the right hand side here, with you sir.

GERMAN:
Deutschland.

DIPLOMAT:
Deutschland? Hmmmm. How about Germany?

GERMAN:
But it is called Deutschland.

DIPLOMAT:
Sounds like a German name to me. RIght, what about you sir?

RUSSIAN;
Russkaya Zemlya.

DIPLOMAT:
Russia. Ok now you next to him?

AUSTRALIAN:
Australia.

DIPLOMAT:
Australia! At last! There's at last one person here who knows how to name a country. Next.

AMERICAN:
The United States of America.

DIPLOMAT:
Ok, now we're cooking. Excellent, now that just leaves you on the end there sir.

CUT TO: Reveal the last gentleman in question is Chinese.

CHINESE:
Zhongguo

OFFICIAL:
Zho hoo what?

CHINESE:
Zhongguo.

DIPLOMAT:
Nope. Hmm I tell you what. Why don't you write it down for me.

HANDS HIM SOME PAPER:

DIPLOMAT (CONT'D):
Yeah maybe if I could see it you know. That would help. Thank you.

END.

Foreign

AN ENGLISH TEACHER (CECIL - WHITE, MIDDLE-AGED, BESPECTACLED) WANDERS THROUGH THE JUNGLE AND GOES OFF THE BEATEN TRACK. A TRIBE CAPTURE HIM, THROW HIM IN A CAULDRON OF WATER, AND DANCE AROUND IT. ONE OF THE NATIVES IS WEARING A CHEF'S UNIFORM. HE IS ABOUT TO LIGHT THE PAPER AND WOOD PILED UP UNDERNEATH IT WITH A MATCH.

Cedric:
Stop, I say. For heaven's sake, stop.

THE NATIVES STOP DANCING. THE CHEF BLOWS OUT THE MATCH AND STANDS UP, FACING THE TEACHER.

CHEF:
(To teacher)) Wooga wooga wooga wooga.

CEDRIC:
You can wooga wooga until your eyes pop out. But I'm dashed if I know what you're saying. Can any of you speak English?

THE NATIVES LOOK AT EACH OTHER, SHRUG AND SHAKE THEIR HEADS.

CEDRIC:
Well in that case, I'll teach you the alphabet for free. Then let me go, yes? (nods slowly)

NATIVES LOOK AT HIM CONFUSED.

CEDRIC:
Let's begin with the first letter - 'a.' Repeat after me - aaaaaa.

THE NATIVES SMILE AND NOD TO EACH OTHER.

NATIVES:
Aaaaaaaaa

THE CHEF TAKES OUT A SMALL BROWN PACKET FROM HIS BREAST POCKET AND HOLDS IT UP.

CHEF:
Aaaaaaaa.

NATIVES:
Aaaaaaa.

THE CHEF POURS THE PACKET'S CONTENTS INTO THE POT

NATIVES AND CHEF:
Aaaaaah! Bisto.

THE JOYOUS RETURN OF HENRY GIBBONS.

INT- CHAT SHOW. WE JOIN CHAT SHOW HOST LARRY WALLER.

LARRY:
....And that was Peter Swift and his face of confusion! (becoming serious) Now as you all know by now Henry Gibbons the renowned scientist was found alive and well today half a year after he was kidnapped from his home.

Where was he? What happened? Who were his captors? We hope to find the answers to all those questions right now. Ladies and Gentlemen will you please give it up for the very much alive Henry Gibbons!!

APPLAUSE. LARRY GIVES HENRY A WARM HANDSHAKE AND THEY SIT DOWN.

LARRY:
Welcome, welcome.

HENRY:
Thank you.

LARRY:
..So many questions. Henry, where have you been, where were you kept?

HENRY:
It was roughly foreign. It was a place that looked foreign, the captors sounded foreign and they were speaking some language, I think it was foreign.

Within those foreign environs they kept me in a large kennel with lawnmowers, tools, that sort of thing.

LARRY:
A shed I suppose.

HENRY:
(Slightly put out) Well if you want to get technical about it I suppose you could say that, yes.

LARRY:
How long were you kept in this shed?

HENRY:
Six of their months, which would be about oooh lets see... 5 and a half to 6 of our months also.

LARRY:
So what kind of contact did they have with you? Did they feed you?

HENRY:
Yes. They would bring me food and water twice a day but they used to also call in every 3 hours with a frog.

LARRY:
With a frog?

HENRY:
Yes. They would bring in a shoebox, open the lid, show me the frog, close the box again and leave.

LARRY:
(CONFUSED) And do you know what their reasoning was for this?

HENRY:
(voice rises in pitch as he explains) My reasoning was that they must have felt that I had a great affection for frogs and they wanted to let me know that frogs were still thriving so that I wouldn't be worrying about them and so that I wouldn't fret under their captivity.

LARRY:
Well a lot of people were worrying and fretting about you. Most people thought you were dead!

HENRY:
So did I!..... I got the papers too. The Sun had it, so did The Mirror but it wasn't until I read it in the broadsheets that I really sat up and took notice.

LARRY:
I think the main question on everyone's lips is what did they want with you. There was no ransom demands, no contact with the police or the government. It really seems to be shrouded in mystery. Did you ever see your captors?

HENRY:
Only their faces.... You see they were pretty much covered in clothes other than that. As for your 1st question. They said they wanted me to either develop a transporting device or split, split am....split....

LARRY:
...The atom?

HENRY:
....My head open. I weighed up the pros and cons and decided to go with option A. the transporter. I knew they either wanted some sort of goods carrier or the teleportation device used in Star Trek but I thought I'd look stupid if I asked you see so I set to work on the Star Trek one.

LARRY:
And would you have the ability to build a transporter just like that?

HENRY:
Oh yes. You can pretty much build anything once you have arms. You have arms don't you? (HE CHECKS) Yes you do, you could build it aswell.

LARRY:
So now we come to the exciting bit. How did you escape?

HENRY: Ha ha hmm... That's the magical part. I had to use this(points to head).

LARRY:
Your hair?

HENRY:
No, my brain. The brain in my head that belongs to me.

(Smugly) Anyway so I got to work building the transporter. About 2 months in I needed to find a metal sheet as a conductor to control the flow. I had noticed the bonnet of a car lying outside the window but with no way of getting to it.

Unbeknownst to them though I had been secretly burrowing a hole under the shed which I would cover with the transporter. Finally the hole was just about big enough. I waited until the cover of darkness, cautiously checked my surroundings and crawled out.

I got the metal sheet, brought it back into the shed, used it to conduct the device, 4 months later it was completed. I stepped in and beamed myself to freedom!(PROUD).

LARRY:
Wow! What a story. That is truly fascinating. You are an inspiration to us all. Just one thing. When you crawled out to get the metal sheet, why didn't you just make a break for it? Why did you go back into the shed?

HENRY'S PROUD LOOK FADES AS REALISATION HITS.HE NOW LOOKS SERIOUSLY MIFFED.

LARRY:
Nevertheless. What an inspiring story. Ladies and Gentlemen Henry Gibbons.

LARRY PUTS HIS HAND UP FOR A HIGH FIVE. HENRY 'ACCIDENTLY' MISSES AND PUNCHES HIM IN THE FACE. LARRY FALLS TO THE GROUND AND AS PEOPLE CROWD AROUND HENRY DISCREETLY KICKS HIM AND MELDS BACK INTO THE CROWD.

END.

INT: THAI RESTAURANT
A TABLE OF ROUDY MEN ARE SITTING DOWN TO A MEAL. A WAITRESS IS TAKING THEIR ORDER.

MARK: And 6 portions of prawn crackers, Khop Khun Mak.

WAITRESS NODS AND LEAVES

DANNY: What was all that 'Showaddywaddy' nonsense?

MARK: Just a little something I picked up on Steve's Stag night.

JACK: And that's not all he picked up in Pat Pong's. <SHOUTS> Am I right?!

THE TABLE OF MEN ERUPT, HIGH FIVING EACH OTHER.

DANNY: You're right, but He's wrong. <POINTS AT MARK>

MARK: I'm not wrong, Danny. I'm respectful!

DANNY: No! I mean, you got it wrong, or rather, whom-ever told you that got it wrong.

MARK:Why would Ling-Ling tell me 'Sawatdee Khrab' means 'Hello' if it doesn't?.

DANNY: 'Hello!'?. You crack me up! Did that nightclub have big windows? cause Ling-Ling saw you coming mate.

JACK: Hah! She saw him coming alright!

WAITRESS RETURNS

DANNY: Leave this to me.

DANNY WHISPERS SOMETHING INDECIPERABLE TO WAITRESS.

WAITRESS PUNCHES DANNY. HE LIES FACE DOWN ON THE TABLE.

JACK: Didn't see that coming did ya Dan?

TWO ALIENS ARE HAVING A MEETING WITH THEIR BOSS

Boss:
I'm sorry to have to call this meeting, but you two have left me no option.
It has come to my attention that you have been making unkind comments to some of our Human members of staff

Gurko:
Oh what have they been saying now.

Zaklor:
I'm sorry but those beings...

Boss:
I do understand, and off the record I'm no fan myself, but unfortunately these days we do have to be a bit more galactically correct

Gurko:
They come over to our planet, taking our jobs...

Boss:
Well Gurko we enslaved them, it's not quite the same thing.

Zaklor:
Send em home I say.

Boss:
Come on Zaklor you know full well that they don't have a planet anymore.

Zaklor:
They shouldn't have used Aerosols then should they.

Boss:
What you've got to remember is that these are intelligent beings we're dealing with.

Zaklor:
How long does it the take them to a Sudoku?

Boss:
I'm not saying that they are very intelligent, but the rules these days, whether we agree with them or not say that we need to appreciate their feelings & treat with them with a bit more Krozznaztz

Zaklor:
They don't even know the meaning of the word.

Boss:
I don't really want to discuss it quite frankly, either you follow the guidelines or you will be straight out on your dorsal tentacles.

Gurko:
Look boss we're sorry, and we're not really Speciesist, some of my best slaves are conscious humans.

Zaklor:
We just do it as a joke really, A lot of them just don't seem to have a sense of Zoookraash.

Boss:
Whether you mean is at as a joke or not, anti Human behaviour must cease immediately.

Gurko:
Fair enough Sir.

Zaklor:
As long as we don't have to be nice to the Martians

Boss:
Oh don't worry about the Martians. They're not even mentioned in the guidelines. So as far as I'm concerned they can suck my Zokklok

I really liked all of this weeks entries, but my vote goes to Alex.

Has to be the Sunshine boy, but I enjoyed James contribution.