Hi sorry to close a tad earlier this week but I'll be away from me trusty computer for a coupla days! Due to a plethora of opinions we'll leave the system as it is and congratulate MR SUNSHINE for winnin'! Enjoy, have 10 points and PM me for next week's subject please...
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name

6 - 10 - Mr Sunshine
4 - 5 - Angiebaby
3 - 1 - Scratchyr
Special mention: Cool Mikado followed by Gerry McDonnell, Craig H, Alex Mahon, with honours to Otterfox

Your new subject: AMNESIA (chosen by Kasm)
Rules:
One entry per person. Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 18.4.10

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

124 - Mr Sunshine NEW WINNER!
117 - Cool Mikado
111 - Chris Forshaw
107 - Otterfox
103 - Frankie
98 - Fred Peters
94 - Nigel Kelly
85 - Michael Monkhouse
82 - Charley Rance
78 - Timbo
78 - Kasm
66 - Jude
65 - Baumski
54 - Scratchyr
35 - Angiebaby
35 - Afinkawan
32 - Gerry McDonnell
32 - Swerytd
32 - Paul Watson
28 - Leevil
22 - Blobster
21 - Mikey J
26 - David Chapman
20 - James Harris
20 - Blobster
20 - Roscoff
20 - Kevin Murphy
20 - Dannyjb1
20 - Niteowl
20 - Lazzard
18 - Tom
17 - Ellie
16 - Alex Mahon
16 - Eggie
15 - Bushbaby
15 - Cinnamon
15 - Dale
12 - Geoff Mutton
11 - Badge
11 - Steven
10 - Robo
10 - Nitram Skir
10 - Socrates
10 - Tom Campbell
10 - Tommy Power
10 - Waring
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - James
07 - garyd
07 - Winterlight
06 - Little Jersey Devil
06 - Hellboy
06 - Wayne Lewis
06 - John Kelly
06 - Andrew Lynch
06 - The Giggle-O
05 - Drew
05 - Pedros
05 - Summer G
05 - Mannikin Bird
05 - Tumble
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
05 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
05 - Rob B
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
04 - Nil Putters
02 - Stephen Birch
02 - Stu R
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
02 - Gavin
02 - Craig H
01 - Ming The Mirthless
01 - Minty
01 - Shpadoinkle
01 - Shaggy292
01 - amillionpounds
01 - Jake How
01 - David Bussell
01 - Charisma
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Batman
01 - Ray Dawson
01 - Marion
01 - Tooting Jo

Spot any mistakes? There may well be, I'm a tinker's cuss, so PM me. Thanks...

Memento Deleted Scene

Leonard wakes up, he swings his legs around and sits solemnly on the edge of his bed. He pinches the bridge of his nose and stares at the floor. Slowly, he pulls up his sleeve to reveal a new tattoo. It reads "DFS sale ends today".

End.

Haven't I entered this week's skit comp already?

There are three things I always forget...

INT.GOLDFISH BOWL.DAY

A GOLDFISH IN A DOCTORS WHITE COAT SWIMS SLOWLY UP TO ANOTHER GOLDFISH

DOCTOR
Mrs Finn?

MRS FINN
Yes Doctor?

DOCTOR
Its bad news I'm afraid, the patient has regained consciousness but appears to be suffering from chronic amnesia

BEAT

MRS FINN
What patient?

BEAT

DOCTOR
I don't know

INT. ATTIC WITH SKYLIGHTS. DAY

EDWARD SCISSORHANDS AND A MAN ARE SITTING OPPOSITE EACH OTHER ON WOODEN CHAIRS.

MAN
One. Two. Three.

THE MAN BRINGS HIS HAND OUT FROM BEHIND HIS BACK FLAT AS 'PAPER' IN 'ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS'.

EDWARD BRINGS HIS SCISSORED HAND OUT AND LOOKS BEWILDERED.

MAN
Bollocks, not again! (FROWNS FOR A SECOND) What was your last name again?

ENDS

MRS OLDTROLLOPE

He's going to be trouble, and no mistake, Mr. Bumble. I say we just put him in a sack and drown him now, save us all the trouble. Or hit him with a mallet maybe?

MR BUMBLE

Nonsense, Oldtrollope, you've just got to know how to handle the boy, that's all.

MRS OLDTROLLOPE

Well I didn't take this job to handle no boys.

MR BUMBLE

Fuuny; that's exactly why I...

OLIVER

Please, Sir.

MRS OLDTROLLOPE

Oh, will you sit down Oliver? You've got to learn your place.

MR BUMBLE

That's no way to deal with him, woman. This one's got an empty head. In one ear, and out the other.

MRS OLDTROLLOPE

Well what would you suggest then, Mr Bumble?

MR BUMBLE

Well, when you've been a beadle in a parish as long as I have, you learn a thing or two.

MRS OLDTROLLOPE

Well yes. You always seem to come across that Nancy precisely when she needs her pipes seeing to.

MR BUMBLE

Watch this. Oliver, come here boy.

OLIVER

Please, Sir.

MR BUMBLE

What is it lad? Speak up, speak up.

OLIVER

Please, Sir, I want some more.

MRS OLDTROLLOPE

More? I'll give you more!

OLIVER

Yes please, Miss.

MR BUMBLE

Quiet woman; that threat's nonsensical. Watch. But Oliver, I just gave you more.

OLIVER

Did you, Sir? I don't remember.

MR BUMBLE

But you've had your third helping.

OLIVER

Oh, then that will be enough then. Thank you, Sir.

MRS OLDTROLLOPE

Here! How did you do that?

MR BUMBLE

Boy's got amnesia. Very useful in my line of work.

MRS OLDTROLLOPE

Ooh! Let me try. Oliver!

OLIVER

Yes, Mrs Oldtrollope?

MRS OLDTROLLOPE

You've still got the pantry to sweep, don't forget.

OLIVER

I thought I'd done that already?

MRS OLDTROLLOPE

Not since last week.

OLIVER

Oh. I'll get on with it right away then.

MR BUMBLE

See? Amnesia. The exploiter's best friend. Right, better be off.

He leaves.

MRS OLDTROLLOPE

Oh, Oliver.

OLIVER

Yes, Miss?

MRS OLDTROLLOPE

You made me a promise, this morning.

OLIVER

Has he gone, Miss?

MRS OLDTROLLOP

Yes. Now, in return for those extra helpings...

OLIVER

F**k off.

MRS OLDTROLLOPE

What?!

OLIVER

You scab-encrusted old hag, you never gave me any extra. Oh, sure, I tell the beadle I've got amnesia so I can swing a roof over my head, else I'd be out with the dogs, but you can shove this broom right up your stinkhole.

MRS OLDTROLLOPE

You little toerag, I've never heard such a mouth in all my...

OLIVER

What language, Miss?

MRS OLDTROLLOPE

Don't give me that! I've had enough of your lies.

OLIVER

I'm sorry Miss, I don't know what I've done.

MRS OLDTROLLOPE

You don't remember anything.

OLIVER

Sorry, Miss. Mr. Bumble tells me that every few days I, well, I lose time Miss. I'm not myself.

MRS OLDTROLLOPE

Every few days?

OLIVER

Yes, Miss. Sorry, Miss.

MRS OLDTROLLOPE

Alright then. Well, if you go and sweep the kithchens before bed then, and we'll see about this in the morning.

OLIVER

No f**king way.

INT. OFFICE - DAY

AN OFFICE WORKER, ARCHIE, STANDS BY THE WATER COOLER WITH A MORE SENIOR MEMBER OF STAFF, OWEN. PATRICK ANTWERP, THE REGIONAL MANAGER, SIDLES OVER.

PATRICK: Archie my boy! How's the wife?

ARCHIE: Still not married, Mr. Antwerp.

PATRICK: Good, good. Archie I've got a little favour to ask - who's this with you? New recruit eh?

ARCHIE: Patrick, this is Owen from head office.

OWEN: I'm here to clean up your operation, clear out the cobwebs and bin the dead wood.

PATRICK: Funny, I can't remember employing a new cleaner. Oh well, so be it. You can start in the toilet, it's filthy.

OWEN LOOKS MIFFED.

PATRICK: You might want to grab some overalls. Wouldn't want to spoil your suit.

OWEN LOOKS LIVID.

ARCHIE: Mr. Antwerp; you said you had a favour?

PATRICK: Favour? Favour? Oh yes, of course! You know, sometimes I think I might need one of those thing-um-ies, you know?

OWEN: A CAT scan?

PATRICK: A day off. Now what can I do for you two?

******
PS: my vote goes to Angiebaby.

INT. CIA OFFICE - DAY

JACK BAUER AND JASON BOURNE ARE DISCUSSING THEIR ROLES IN A JOINT CTU AND CIA OPERATION.

BAUER:
One of us has to take the lead, and I'd like to put myself forward.

BOURNE:
No offence Jack, but you can't go a single day without being captured and tortured. You're a liability.

BAUER:
At least I always complete my mission, unlike some.

BOURNE:
That was a long time ago, and a one-off. I'm fully focused now.

BAUER:
Until you see a kid on a terrorist's lap, then you'll go all Mary Poppins on us again. We can't take that risk.

BOURNE:
F**k you Jack. You can't even complete an op without being betrayed by one of your own workmates. Doesn't that tell you something?

BAUER:
I don't hire the staff. I'm not a f**king employment agency.

BOURNE:
Don't try and pass the buck Jack; you're a jinx. I don't think you should even be involved in this mission; I'm going to be shitting myself at five minutes to every hour.

BAUER:
Enough talk, let's make a decision.

BOURNE:
What's the rush? We've been on the terrorists' trail for over two and a half years. You're always in a hurry. Patience is a virtue.

BAUER (ANGRILY):
Give me a minute.

BAUER LEAVES THE OFFICE, THEN WALKS STRAIGHT BACK IN

BAUER:
Now that it's decided I'm the lead, I say we make our move now.

BOURNE:
Who made you chief?

BAUER:
We just agreed, not five minutes ago. Are you having memory problems again?

BOURNE:
No, I, erm, carry on.

EXT. CELTIC PARK - DAY.

CROWD:
(Chanting) Celtic-Celtic-Celtic-Celtic

FOOTBALL FAN 1
(To the man next to him) Why aren't you singing?

FOOTBALL FAN 2
I 've forgotten the words.

JOHN
I've got to tell you something.

KERRY
What is it?

JOHN
I've got, um, ah...can't remember. What's it called again?

KERRY
I don't know...

JOHN
I've gone blank, but it's the same thing your friend Tracey has.

KERRY
You've got Selective Amnesia too?

JOHN
and Chlamydia.

PATIENT:
I still don't remember anything Doctor.

DOCTOR:
Well It was a very nasty blow to the head but there doesn't seem to be any lasting damage. I wouldn't worry Mr Johnson in most cases Amnesia is merely Temporary.

PATIENT:
I hope you're right.

DOCTOR:
We usually find that familiar faces or voices can be beneficial.
We've managed to locate your family and they're all outside waiting to see you. It maybe that seeing them will help to trigger your latent memories.

PATIENT:
Thank you Doctor that's great news.

DOCTOR:
You'd think so wouldn't you.
However, having seen your family in the flesh I'm no longer sure what's for the best. So maybe you should take one of these.

PATIENT:
A Baseball Bat? I doubt I'll need any protection

DOCTOR:
No It's to use on yourself. Just in case your memory does come back & you change your mind.

PATIENT:
You can't be serious surely?

DOCTOR:
You just wait until you see them, In fact I may have a go on that myself afterwards.

PADDY
Did I ever tell you that one about the 3 amigos?

MICK
Nope. Come on give is it.

PADDY
Okay, an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.

MICK
I thought you said it was about the 3 amigos?

PADDY
Don't interupt me mid-joke Mick. You know I hate that.

MICK
Right, right, I'm sorry.

PADDY
To get to the other side

PADDY starts laughing hysterically. MICK shakes his head.

END

Quote: alex mahon @ April 13 2010, 10:29 AM BST

EXT. CELTIC PARK - DAY.

CROWD:
(Chanting) Celtic-Celtic-Celtic-Celtic

FOOTBALL FAN 1
(To the man next to him) Why aren't you singing?

FOOTBALL FAN 2
We're getting humped!

View original

INT. CHURCH. DAY. BRIDE(AILEEN) AND GROOM(SPENCER) ARE GETTING MARRIED. SPENCER IS VERY NERVOUS.

BRIDE:
...Ever since the moment I saw you. You are amazing and I cherish and adore you. So, I Aileen take you Spencer to be my lawfully wedded husband. To have and to hold, to love honour and obey for as long as we both shall live.

GROOM:
(Seems lost) Am.. I, Sp-, Sp. I Spock.

PRIEST:
Spencer!

GROOM:
I Spencer. T-take my, yo- yo...

PRIEST:
You!

GROOM:
(Pointing at priest as if confirming what he said) Take the Yooo, the yoo-niverse.

PRIEST:
Take you.

GROOM:
Take you alien.

PRIEST:
Aileen!

GROOM:
I Spo, Spen...

PRIEST:
(Impatiently) I Spencer take you Aileen!

GROOM:
I Spencer take you Aileen to fix a warp core breach.

PRIEST:
To be my lawfully wedded wife.

GROOM:
Sorry (takes a deep breath and composes himself. He now speaks in a deep meaningful way)

I Spencer take you Aileen to be my lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, to love honour and obey even if you are assimilated by the Borg.

PRIEST:
(Getting very animated) Noo!! I take you Aileen to be my lawfully wedded wife to have and to hold, to love honour and obey for as long as we both shall live. You may now kiss the bride.

REALISATION HITS WITH THE PRIEST THAT HE HAS INADVERTANTLY MARRIED THE BRIDE. HE SHEEPISHLY KISSES THE BRIDE AND WALKS BACK DOWN THE AISLE ARM IN ARM WITH THE BRIDE SLOWLY WARMING TO THE IDEA.

GROOM: (Groom is clearly upset. He looks upwards and is sniffling)I failed, I failed. Why could I not just talk properly?.......One to beam up.

END.

SCENE 1 Danny is sat round the dinner table with his mother and father.

Danny : Is there pudding today Mummy?

Mother : No Darling, Not during the week. You know that.

Danny: Frankie always has pudding during the week at his house.

Mother : Well we don't.

Danny: Why?

Father : Because we don't want to end up like those fat people on the telly.

Danny: Which fat people? Susan Boyle?

Mother : Danny don't be rude about Susan Boyle.

Father: No, poor woman. <beat> Dreadful moustache..

Danny: Frankie says we don't have pudding during the week because you aren't as rich as his Mummy. Why is that?

Mother: Well, Frankie's mother has a very special job.

Danny; What does she do?

Father: She's a prostitute son. Now finish your greens/

Danny: What's a prostitute?

Mother: Well, you know the Pope is a catholic, well its like that. But not quite.

Father : No wonder the Church is so buggered!

Danny: What's buggered?

Father : Hush with your questions.

Danny: So is there pudding?

Mother: No.

Scene two Banging is heard from Danny bedroom and Mother rushes upstairs to find her son wacking his head against the wall.

Mother : Danny! What the hell are you doing.

Danny: I've just spoken to Archie. He never got pudding in the week either. But he banged his head and got Ambrosia.