Congrats on another great set of sketches! And larger congrats to... FRED SUNSHINE for winnin'! That's 10 points and the chance to PM me for next week's subject please. Hence:

Votes - Points - Name

7!!!! - 10 - Fred Sunshine
2 - 5 - Nigel Kelly, Chris Forshaw, Swerytd
1 - 1 - N Putters, me

Your new subject: KNIGHTS (Chosen by Geoff Mutton).
Rules:
One entry per person.Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines. Please try and only post your entry and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 14.08

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

103 - Frankie
101 - Chris Forshaw
98 - Fred Peters
83 - Cool Mikado
82 - Charley Rance
74 - Otterfox
73 - Nigel Kelly
66 - Jude
60 - Baumski
56 - Timbo
55 - Michael Monkhouse
41 - Fred Sunshine
35 - Afinkawan
31 - Paul Watson
21 - Mikey J
26 - David Chapman
22- Swerytd
22 - Leevil
20 - James Harris
20 - Blobster
20 - Kevin Murphy
20 - Dannyjb1
20 - Niteowl
20 - Lazzard
18 - Tom G
17 - Ellie
16 - Eggie
15 - Roscoff
15 - Cinnamon
15 - Dale
11 - Steven
10 - Geoff Mutton
10 - Nitram Skir
10 - Bushbaby
10 - Socrates
10 - Tom Campbell
10 - Tommy Power
10 - Waring
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - garyd
07 - Winterlight
06 - Little Jersey Devil
06 - Badge
06 - Hellboy
06 - Wayne Lewis
06 - John Kelly
06 - Andrew Lynch
o5 - Pedros
05 - Summer G
05 - Mannikin Bird
05 - Tumble
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
05 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
05 - Rob B
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
02 - Stu R
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
02 - Gavin
02 - Nil Putters
01 - Shpadoinkle
01 - Craig H
01 - Shaggy292
01 - amillionpounds
01 - Jake How
01 - David Bussell
01 - Charisma
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Batman
01 - Ray Dawson
01 - Marion
01 - Tooting Jo

Spot any mistakes? There may well be, I'm a twot, so PM me. Thanks...

FOR RADIO

KNIGHT: It is high time lad you were schooled in the noble arts of chivalry.

SQUIRE: The joust and the tourney, wot?

KNIGHT: Absolutely, but before moving onto the advanced stuff, you need a grounding in the basics. Maiming, disembowelling, and, first up, groin-crunching.

FX: Thud. Ooof.

KNIGHT (CONT.): Got that?

SQUIRE (HIGH-PITCHED): Yes, Sir. Thank you.

KNIGHT: Of course that's the English way of doing it. Your Scot, being an uncouth sort, uses the knee.

FX: Thud. Ooof.

KNIGHT (CONT.): But I just call that unsporting.

SQUIRE: Jolly bad form.

KNIGHT: Now your Frenchman, he prefers a good run up. Try and hold still there boy.

SQUIRE: Sorry Sir.

FX: Mailed feet running. Thud. Ooof.

SQUIRE (CONT.): Oh well hit, Sir.

KNIGHT: But me I prefer the good old-fashioned English stamp.

FX: Thud. Ooof.

KNIGHT (CONT.): Tried and tested, wot?

SQUIRE: Yes, very efficacious Sir.

KNIGHT: So what have we learned?

SQUIRE: That no matter how much of a hurry we are in, not to forget to strap on our groin guard.

KNIGHT: Quite right. You won't forget again...

FX: Thud. Ooof.

KNIGHT (CONT.):...now will you?

SQUIRE: (REALLY HIGH-PITCHED NOW) No Sir, I think it is quite etched on my memory.

KNIGHT: Oh, and lad, isn't it about time your voice broke?

SQUIRE: Not sure that's going to happen now, Sir.

KNIGHT: Nonsense, we will make a man of you yet, a gentil parfait knight. Right, tomorrow we will continue your training by looking at ransoming Frenchmen, raping damsels and slaughtering peasants.

SQUIRE: Jolly good sir.

KNIGHT: Theory only, of course. (BEAT) I mean, where are we going to find a Frenchman round here?

END

INT. ARTHUR'S CASTLE

12 Knights sit around the table. King Arthur leads the meeting.

ARTHUR
Ok, that's all the topics covered for today. Does anyone have any further points or questions?

Sir Galahad raises his hand.

ARTHUR
Sir Galahad?

GALAHAD
Yes, I'd like to bring something to the attention of the group.

ARTHUR
Continue.

GALAHAD
Well, it's rather embarrassing. But I've come to the end of my tether.

ARTHUR
What concerns you, Sir Galahad?

GALAHAD
It's Sir Ywain, your majesty.

Sir Ywain reacts.

YWAIN
Oh, what is it now Sir Gala-blab?

GALAHAD
This is my point exactly.

YWAIN (Mocking)
Wah-wah!

ARTHUR
Please, Ywain. Let Galahad speak.

GALAHAD
Well, it first started when he stole all my left side socks.

YWAIN
Haha! That was funny.

GALAHAD
He then filled them with leeches.

YWAIN
Hah! Classic.

GALAHAD
When he returned them. Well, I like to partake in self-pleasure and this includes the use of socks... I couldn't pee for a week!

Ywain laughs uncontrollably.

GALAHAD
That's not all.

ARTHUR
It's not?

GALAHAD
No. I received a letter from my mother. It was very distressing indeed. It was news of my father's passing. Apparently he died whilst making love to a pig, at a pig orgy.

ARTHUR
I'm sorry for you loss. But what does this have to do with Sir Ywain?

GALAHAD
He wrote it!

ARTHUR
Is this true, Sir Ywain?

YWAIN
Haha! Yes, I take all the credit.

ARTHUR
Very well. You've left me no choice. I dub thee Sir Ywain the Bastard.

GALAHAD
Ha! How do you like that Ywain the Bastard?!

YWAIN
It's pretty damn cool, actually.

ARTHUR
And you, Sir Galahad. I dub thee, Sir Tatty-tale-Girly-Pants.

Ywain collapses on the floor with laughter.

END

KING ARTHUR IS ADDRESSING HIS KNIGHTS AROUND THE TABLE.

KING ARTHUR:
I declare that we shall henceforth be known as the Knights of the round table .

EVERYONE CHEERS AND RAISES THEIR GLASSES

ALL:
The Knights of the round table - Hoy!

SIR YAPSALOT:
May I say a few words please My Liege, I think that what you're doing is really splendid. All of us chums, in a cute little gang, we really don't do enough together these days. And a round table! What an absolutely super duper idea, everyone equal distance away, The food & drink is all easy to reach. It's just sometimes really nice to be with your bestest pals, in your favourite castle around a nice table having a bit of a natter.

CAPTION: LATER THAT DAY.

KING ARTHUR:
I Declare That we shall henceforth be known as the Knights of the Q Shaped table.

EVERYONE CHEERS AND WE REVEAL A Q SHAPED TABLE WITH SIR YAPSALOT ALONE SITTING AT THE END OF A RATHER LONG TAIL SECTION.

SIR YAPSALOT
Hello, Chaps? I can't hear what you're all saying, can I swap with anyone? Helllooo!

END.

INT. CAMELOT CASTLE - EVENING

KING ARTHUR AND HIS KNIGHTS RELAX IN THE MAIN HALL AFTER A FEAST. SIR GALAHAD ENTERS WITH A FRESH-FACED TRAVEL-WEARY YOUTH.

GALAHAD: My King, my good fellow Knights, I bring a visitor.

LANCELOT: And who doth visit, prithee?

GALAHAD: 'Tis the foreign exchange student from Gaul, which we have comest to know as France.

ARTHUR: Aha! Come forth young man. Take thee a platter and dine at our table. You come to Camelot very late of the day, darkness will soon be upon us....

FX. METALLIC CLATTERING ON FLOOR NEARBY

ARTHUR [Cont]...indeed, Knight-fall! My good Knights, we should tarry awhile.

HURRAHS FROM KNIGHTS

ARTHUR: Come, young man, share with me some Monk's ale and retire to this table.

STUDENT: Please, your Royal Highness, may I see the Round Table? I have heard it is here at Camelot Castle.

ARTHUR: Ha! You are well told. [BEAT] Cast your eyes down before you at this very table and behold.....the Round Table!

STUDENT: But...

ARTHUR: Come hither my noble Knights and join us about the Round Table. Let us make merry!

STUDENT: But...

ARTHUR: But what?

STUDENT: ...but I have studied Geometry at Paris, you Majesty and...

ARTHUR: And what?

STUDENT: ...and this table is....rectangular.

OUTBURST OF LAUGHTER FROM ARTHUR AND KNIGHTS

ARTHUR: Your eyes serve you well, my young friend, but this is indeed.....the Round Table! Listen well. [TO LANCELOT] My dear Lancelot, 'tis for you to commence this eve!

LANCELOT: With pleasure. Ahem. [SINGS] London's burning, London's burning...

END.

Suits of Ardour

EXT DAY. OUTSIDE A MEDIEVAL ABBEY. TWO KNIGHTS, LORD MINCEALOT (VERY CAMP) AND VISCOUNT ORANGE (VERY MACHO) ARE SITTING AROUND A TABLE, SUPPING FROTHY ALE.

Viscount Orange:
So, what of King Craig, who gave succour to the poor, fended off the wildest of beasts and makes ladies weep with longing?

Lord Mincealot:
I know, he's fit as.. if I had 20 minutes alone with him I'd…

Viscount Orange:
He was due to join us ten minutes hence, to regale us with bawdy and heroic tales –

Lord Mincelaot:
Oh great, I can't wait to see him in that new suit of armour – I helped him with the fitting, ooh, he looked ever so.. knighty in it.

Viscount Orange:
Cease your homo-lust, I hear a pounding on the ground – it must be a sweaty knight in chain mail astride a panting beast!

Lord Mincealot:
I'm not responding to that one – it's not the 1270's.

KING CRAIG ARRIVES SWIFTLY ON HORSEBACK AND ABRUPTLY JUMPS OFF HIS STEED. HE RUNS AROUND IN CIRCLES PULLING AT HIS HELMET AND SCREAMING.

Viscount Orange:
My lord – what larks, what news, what words of wisdom.

KING CRAIG IS NOW CONVULSING ON THE GROUND. HE SPEAKS IN AHIGH PITCHED YORKSHIRE ACCENT.

King Craig:
I've got a wasp in me helmet and I can't get it off me head!

BEAT

Lord Mincealot:
Do you want some beer Craig?

CUT

INT. CAMELOT - EVENING

GUINEVERE AND MERLIN SIT AT ONE SIDE OF A RECTANGULAR TABLE. TWO KNIGHTS ENTER THE GREAT HALL AND SIT OPPOSITE THEM LOOKING SHEEPISH. AFTER A FEW MOMENTS KING ARTHUR ENTERS AND SITS BETWEEN HIS WIFE AND THE SORCERER.

HE CHECKS SOME PARCHMENT BEFORE HIM.

Arthur
Good evening gentlemen.

Galahad & Lancelot (TOGETHER)
Good evening your majesty.

Arthur
Well, (BEAT) what a load of horse crap.

THE TWO KNIGHTS LOOK EMBARRASSED.

Arthur
You were tasked, gentlemen, with bringing home The Holy Grail; the cup from which our beloved saviour drank from at his last meal. This was supposed to be a ten hour job, but here you are (BEAT) five years later! What the bloody hell happened?!

Galahad (STUTTERING)
W-w-well your majesty, I don't really think it was possible in ten hours. We're not really sure it even exists.

Arthur
Don't give me that b-b-bollocks. When I was starting out I found a f**king sword in a lake! In a lake! And I wasn't even looking. I'm sorry guys, but I just don't see that either of you have the spark I'm looking for.

Lancelot
Your majesty, I have fifteen years experience at knightschool and have served thy well in each task until now. I believe I can do anything sire. (HE WINKS AT GUINEVERE)

Arthur
I don't care about your education Wanksalot, this is the real world! Task five!? Dragon slaying!?

LANCELOT SHIFTS IN HIS SEAT UNCOMFORTABLY.

Lancelot
Forty percent of the stake seemed fair my liege.

Arthur
It's a bloody dragon you numpty! You're not gonna get away unless you give it at least seventy you idiot. You cost me five of your fellow knights that day. I don't grow them you know. (SARCASTICALLY, AND WAVING HIS HANDS IN THE AIR) In the Knight garden.

Galahad (SMILING)
Your highness, I said we should have gone in with a bigger stake.

Arthur (NOT IMPRESSED)
Did you....? (BEAT) Did you? Well Sir Givemehead, I've made my decision... and with great joy... I have to say that... both of you are fired.

BOTH KNIGHT'S FACES DROP.

Arthur (CLICKING HIS FINGERS)
Merlin?

MERLIN STANDS UP, THROWS HIS HANDS INTO THE AIR AND THEN AT THE SITTING KNIGHTS.

Merlin
Alakazam!!

SMOKE FILLS THE ROOM. COUGHING CAN BE HEARD. HANDS WAVE THROUGH THE FOG AS IT EVENTUALLY IT CLEARS. GALAHAD AND LANCELOT STILL SIT WHERE THEY WERE, PUZZLED LOOKS ON THEIR FACES.

Arthur
For f**ks sake Merlin!

END

KNIGHTS - JLS practise new moves.

JLS
Aston - 'The Runt'
Marvin - 'Pinhead'
JB - 'Wa-blow'
Oritse - 'Boogle-eyes'

JLS are stood in JB's Nan's back garden; They are all in their underpants with a sword in hand and a helmet on. Aston brandishes his sword.

Aston
[SINGS]'Yeaaaaaaaaaah, Woo nah nah nah, Yeah'

Marvin
'Right this shit is on. Raise your sword Sir Runtsalot.'

JB
'Stop leaving me out, you always leave me out. NAAAAAAAAANA the boys are leaving me out again, they won't let me play knights.'

NANA COMES OUT

Nana
'Come now boys it's not nice to leave JB out.'

Marvin
'Yeah but he always gets carried away, last time he nearly cut the Y off my Y-fronts'

Nana
'Well I don't know why you have to play in your underpants anyway'

Oritse
'It's cos just in case girlies look over the fence at us d'ey've gotta see our bodies. It's a contractual agreement, honest.'

Nana
'Your protein shakes are nearly ready and I've made you some nice rice and peas to go with it.'

JB
'Aw yes, thanks Nana!'

EXEUNT NANA

Marvin
'Right, now his 'Nana's' f**ked off let's get this battle on!'

They all start slashing at each other; clinking swords slowly but JB goes crazy slashing wildly at the others.

Aston
'What the f**k are you doing you twat?'

JB
'I'm playing Knights, innit.'

Oritse
'Yeah but we're only doing this for a laugh, not to actually kill each other you prick'

JB
'Don't call me a prick you f**king...[HE SLASHES HIS SWORD AT ORITSE CUTTING HIS HEAD CLEAN OFF]

Marvin
'What the f**k that is some motherf**king crazy shit. I'm leaving'

JB
'Your not going anywhere you pinheaded shit...[HE CUTS MARVIN'S HEAD CLEAN OFF TOO THEN LOOKS AT ASTON] Have you got anything to say?'

Aston
'Do you want to start a two-boy band?'

JB
'No...[HE CUTS ASTON'S HEAD OFF]'

NANA COMES OUT

Nana
'Oh dear JB, what has happened here? We'll have to cover this up. Get me the shovel and some quicklime.'

JB
'Sorry Nana'

Knight-Clubbin'

A DAMSEL IN DISTRESS lies helpless at the foot of the stage…
Enter FRANCES!

FRANCES: Fear not poor damsel… I am your knight in shining armour!

DAMSEL: Gadzooks!

FRANCES: Yes like a knight-owl I arrived over-knight by knight-bus in my knight-wear…

DAMSEL: Huzzah!

FRANCES: For like a knight-hawk all-knight-long I finished knight-school on knight-watch…

DAMSEL: Knightmare!

FRANCES: Nay my knight-ingale I am no knightly knight-marish deadly-knight-shade, I come to you knightly in your knight-gown by your knight-table in my knight-piece to…

DAMSEL: Frances?

FRANCES: What?

DAMSEL: Can we stop this?

FRANCES: But I like dressing up – and all those puns! You see every time I say knight it sounds like I'm referring to that period of day, whilst actually…

DAMSEL: Yes I get it Frances. It's just, I love you the way you are, there's no need for games.

FRANCES: Really?

DAMSEL: Yes. Now let's go to bed.

FRANCES: Oh thank you. And don't worry – before bed, I always get my knight-cap.

PALACE Queen has a sword.

QUEEN

Rise, Sir Michael Monkhouse

EXT.FOOT OF AN IVORY TOWER.DAY

KNIGHT
Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your golden hair!

GOLDEN BLONDE HAIR FALLS INTO SHOT, THE KNIGHT CLIMBS IT. WHEN HE REACHES THE TOP IT'S HER BEARD

Ext. a castle

An apothecary knocks on the castle door. It opens.

Squire: At last apothecary you have come. Quickly tis Sir Robin, he has been afflicted by a most strange disease. For he uttereth words most unintelligable and a most dreadful heat is about his brow.

[They hurry in to the castle and the apothecary is rushed to a large bedroom enters and goes to the bed. ]

Sir Robin: [delirious and sweating breaks into song]

Listen to the ground:
there is movement all around.
There is something goin' down
and I can feel it.

On the waves of the air,
there is dancin' out there.
If it's somethin' we can share,
we can steal it.

Apothecary: Ah my good squire tis a rare disease indeed. Tis Knight Fever.

INT. AIRPORT - DAY

A knight in a full suit of armour is stood near the walk through metal detector. A guard is stood next to him. The knight walks through the detector and it does off.

GUARD
Remove anything metal from your body and place it in this tray.

The knight drops some keys and and coins into the tray. Then he walks back through the detector and it goes off again.

GUARD
Is there anything else metal on your body sir-

KNIGHT
Sir Gallahad. (Looking over his body)Errrrrm, Oh! Could it be this?

He draws a large sword from its sheath.

INT. DAY. CASTLE.

KNIGHT:
Page, fetch me my finest suit of armour and lance.

PAGE:
Who do you joust today sire?

KNIGHT:
Knight Vlad.

PAGE:
Oh...oh well. Folk call him Vlad the...

KNIGHT: (interrupting)
Yes, I'm aware he can be rather brutal.

PAGE:
I'll get you three layers of chainmail sire, it'll hardly make much difference mind.

KNIGHT:
Only three layers, at the very least I want six.

PAGE:
If it makes you feel good then six it shall be. (PAUSE) Have you a will made out sire, you know, in case things go pear shaped?

KNIGHT:
No I have not, now fasten me up tight.

PAGE:
Sorry sire but you're better to sort these things out in advance.

KNIGHT:
Enough! Do you not think I'm nervous as it is without your negative claptrap.

PAGE:
You are ready sire and may I say that I have never seen you look as splendid.

KNIGHT:
Help me up you patronising fool, I can hardly walk with all this extra body armour.

KNIGHT SHUFFLES TOWARDS DOOR.

PAGE:
Godspeed sire.

KNIGHT:
Damn!

PAGE:
What sire?

KNIGHT:
I need to take a dump.

===================================
Knights of the Round Table Division
===================================
LANCELOT:
Galahad, Arthur's asked me to have a word. He doesn't think you're pulling your weight anymore.

GALAHAD:
What?! Seriously?!

LANCELOT:
Yep. He thinks you're just the joker of the pack. Always looking for a laugh. To be the funny one.

GALAHAD:
Oh…

LANCELOT:
Well, it's time you pulled your finger out. Or… you know…

GALAHAD:
What?

LANCELOT:
Demotion.

GALAHAD:
No!

LANCELOT:
Oh yes. One more lacklustre crusade and you know where you'll find yourself.

GALAHAD:
(NODS, WAILS) With Prince George and the CBEs of the Rectangular Picnic Blanket!

LANCELOT:
Uh-huh…

GALAHAD:
That would be embarrassing…

LANCELOT:
And once you're on a downward spiral, it's not easy to force yourself back into favour. Look at Sir Newcastle!

GALAHAD:
But he was only demoted last year!

LANCELOT:
Yep. Complacently thought he'd get straight back in, but now he's teetering on the edge of dropping even further!

GALAHAD:
No!

LANCELOT:
Oh yes! The Earl of Baswich and the OBEs of the Triangular Tea-Tray are preparing a welcome party for him as we speak!

GALAHAD:
I can't let that happen! Tell me, how can I prove to Arthur that I'm still good enough for the top tier?

LANCELOT:
You're gonna have to pull it out of the bag. Something… something *really* special!

GALAHAD:
I know just the thing!

LANCELOT:
What?

GALAHAD:
I'll surprise him completely! He won't be expecting me to creep up on him dressed as a dragon! It'll slay him!

END