Top 20 Christmas Cracker jokes 2015

UKTV Gold Christmas Crackers

Here's the top 20 jokes from the annual modern Christmas cracker competition run by TV channel Gold...

1. Why does Ed Miliband like advent calendars? He gets to open the door to number 10.

2. I told my Granddad to go to Amazon for his Christmas shopping. He phoned me two days later from Brazil.

3. Why were Jeremy Clarkson's colleagues excited to try his mulled wine? Because they'd been floored by his punch.

4. How does Darth Vader like his Christmas turkey? On the dark side.

5. Why did Santa pour Lemsip into the chimney? He was coming down with the flue.

6. Why don't Volkswagen hold Christmas Services? They get the readings wrong.

7. Why is there no Champagne at the Chelsea Christmas party? Because Mourinho got rid of the Fizzy-o.

8. Why was the turkey at the Talk Talk Christmas party such a mess? It was hacked.

9. Who's Rudolph's favourite pop star? Beyon-sleigh.

10. What do Wikileaks staff have with their Christmas turkey? An anonymous sauce.

11. Why won't Tom Jones be carol singing this Christmas? He's lost his Voice.

12. Why didn't people like the new Apple Mac themed advent calendars? They didn't have any Windows.

13. Why doesn't anyone trust Jeremy Corbyn to put up the Christmas tree? Because it always leans to the left.

14. My gran knitted me a really embarrassing jumper for Christmas this year. It's got fifty shades of grey.

15. What happens when Jedis get up too early on Christmas Morning? The Force Awakens.

16. Who saved Santa the job of creating a naughty list? Ashley Madison.

17. What did Taylor Swift do when she was covered in snow? Shake it off.

18. What are Little Mix saying to Perrie this Christmas? Forget about the Zayn deer.

19. Why does Len Goodman insist on a selection box at Christmas? Because he enjoys a good Twirl.

20. How do we know what Father Christmas has for dinner? He posts it on InSantagram.


UKTV Gold Christmas Crackers

The aim of the Gold competition is to find the best modern day Christmas cracker jokes. People submitted their entries via Twitter, with a judging panel then whittling down the entries to a shortlist which was put to a panel of 2000 members of the public to vote on.

David Lawrence was the writer of the winning joke. His gag about ex-Labour leader Ed Miliband picked up 24% of the public vote, winning him £1,500 towards a holiday, plus a box of custom made Xmas crackers.

Head judge Bruce Dessau says: "So at last Ed Miliband has won a vote this year. Maybe it's not the same as getting into Downing Street but it must be nice for him to know that he has not been forgotten by the British public. There are some cracking jokes in this year's top 20 and some cheesy ones too, but that's what makes Christmas crackers so popular. It is good to see Jeremy Clarkson on the receiving end of a punchline and with Star Wars returning to our screens it's absolutely right that Darth Vader should return for Yuletide."

Steve North, General Manager of Gold (which will be showing Christmas specials every day in the run up to the 25th), comments: "It's fantastic to see that the great British wit is alive and well. There were some brilliant submissions, and these top 20 jokes are testament to our excellent sense of humour and love of a cheesy, Christmas cracker joke, as well as highlighting some of the moments of note throughout 2015 itself."

Published: Tuesday 15th December 2015

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