Rich Fulcher .v. The Laptop Loser

Rich Fulcher assesses what options you've got when someone asks you to watch their laptop in a coffee shop...

Picture this: You're in a coffee shop having coffee. I don't care what kind of coffee, let's just move on. Some guy sitting next to you with a Moby t-shirt casually says: "Excuse me, can you watch my laptop? I'll be right back." Still under the fog of morning, you blurt out "Sure, no problem," and off he goes.

You may not know this but you've just formed an implicit contract with a potentially strange wanker. He could be in the toilet giggling, "I did it, I did it. I have a good little tum tum, nice little tum tum."

What does one do in this situation? Here are your options:

1. Just leave. Fine, do it. But if an army of knife-wielding papercuts storms the place and snatches his computer, who'd get the blame? Exactly. Who needs this overwhelming guilt when all you wanted was Sudoku and a dipping crumb?

2. Take it like a pussy. He comes back 15 minutes later and you run the risk of... here it comes... the "no, thank you." You want to scream, 'Hey buddy, do you know what hell I went through to look after that 1999 piece of lard laptop with 14 hours of 'shaved animal porn' on it?... that's right, I looked'.

3. Rebel with a pre-emptive strike. Here are some things you can do to keep your self esteem and yet still comply with your unsolicited social contract:

- whip out your own contract and a pen waiving you of any liability. This will quickly put him off and he will retreat like you're some sort of urinating homeless person. This requires writing the contract ahead of time which may defeat spontaneity and makes you a bit anal.

- put your face 2 inches away from the laptop and don't move until he comes back. Licking your lips is a nice touch and saying 'Llama llama laptop'. Then he'll see the ludicrousocity (huh?) of his request.

- get everyone in the café to watch with you. This is silly but very effective. He will feel like a c word.

- go up to his laptop and type in 128 font - I LOVE FISTING.

By rebelling, we've made ourselves empowered over these power-wielding-Bill-Gates-jerkified-wannabe-helicopter-pilot-fetishists once and for all.

Note: this works for other objects and, if you're lucky, they'll ask you to look after a child. Jackpot. Do you know what a child fetches on eBay these days? Llama Lattes for everyone!

Rich Fulcher's live show - FULCHFEST - pops up now and again in London. To find out more visit www.richfulcher.com.