Misery Bear interview
Misery Bear is the star of a series of hit internet videos. We thought it about time we gave the saddest, most suicidal teddy bear in the whole world a call to say hello...
Hi Misery Bear. Who, why, where and what is Misery Bear?
The who and the where I'll answer. The why and the what just sound rude. You've started off badly with the questioning there, and put me on edge a bit. Presumably, if you've watched my films or read my book, you'll know that people are mean to me on pretty much a daily basis, so adding your voice to the mix is extremely insensitive. Sigh.
Okay, so who am I? I'm a little teddy bear (no claws or big teeth, unfortunately). I appear in short films, I wrote a book, I just try and get through the life long day without having a nervous breakdown. My passions are pizza, foreign films, bourbon and hanging out with friends. Except I don't have any friends. The where? I'm at my office. I should be working but my boss is an idiot. I've not lifted a finger in three years.
How many short films have you starred in now?
Too many. I think it might be nearly fifteen by now. They're not fun to make, I get very little money for them, and they're pretty humiliating. I went into it thinking I'd be a hit with the girls, but girls don't give two hoots if you're in a bunch of videos on a website. So I'm trying to get into feature films now. But Clooney hasn't replied to any of my texts yet. And I've sent him A LOT of them.
How did the video series come about?
I made the first video with Chris Hayward and Nat Saunders, who uploaded it onto YouTube. A producer called Jon Petrie got in touch with them, and over the months the three of them, along with another man called Ash Atalla, struck a deal with the BBC. All of this happened without my knowledge or consent and, as a result, I'm now powerless. And virtually penniless. It makes me so mad I could squeak.
Do you have a favourite episode?
I like the ones that don't portray me as a pathetic loser, like The Teddynator (below) and Dawn of the Ted. I get to do a little bit of ass-kicking in those ones. I do all my own stunts, you know. Had my fur singed once or twice!
We're impressed. Kate Moss got involved in the Comic Relief special. What was that like?
It was the greatest day of my life. Even though she was playing a stalker, it was mostly make-believe. She's actually not as obsessed with me as the film made out. I did have to ask her to stop sending me texts at three in the morning, though. Got a bit much.
As you mentioned earlier, you've written a book... what's it about?
It's a guide to the world of love and romance, from a little fuzzy guy who's had his heart ripped out more times than he cares to remember. I spent six months writing it - it's full of poems, love letters, advice, stories, photos, drawings, cartoons and the like - and I spent most of the advance on a spell in The Priory, so I really need it to shift a few units. I believe it would make the perfect Valentine's Day gift. Well, that's what my publisher told me to say, anyway...
What qualifies you to write a book on love?
Well, as I previously mentioned, I've been through heartache, despair, loneliness and bitterness in the name of love. I've had my little heart squished by members of the opposite sex (teddy bear and human) on countless occasions. Who better to report from the battlefield of love than the wounded soldier?
Good point. Mark, the Editor of the BCG, is a little bit in love with Rachel off of Countdown. Is there any tips you can offer him?
Well, tell Mark that if I were trying to woo Rachel, I would start by showing up at her place of work and calling out to her when she arrives and leaves that I would love to get a coffee with her sometime. If she fails to respond, I would leave messages with her colleagues to pass on to her, giving her my number. I would then buy her a pretty dress and some flowers and have them delivered to where they film Countdown. If I had access to her mobile phone number I would text her once per day, asking her out. That's what I'd do. So tell Mark to do the opposite.
Cheers Misery Bear. We'll make sure you get an invite to the wedding. Final question, do you think you'll ever be happy?
Oh, dear. We've ended on a bit of a bleak note. Thank you anyway Misery Bear!
'Misery Bear's Guide to Love & Heartbreak' is out now. Details
The Misery Bear series can be watched on YouTube
Rob Brydon is set to host a BBC Children in Need concert featuring comedy about Sir Tom Jones. Read
The comedians involved in new channel Dave show Taskmaster talk about taking part in the bizarre challenges. Read
Dave has confirmed the commissioning of Crackanory Series 3, with star readers set to include Christopher Lloyd. Read
Robert Lindsay and Maureen Lipman will head up the cast of Bull, a TV sitcom set in an antiques shop. Read
Happy Days star Henry Winkler is to return to CBBC for a third series of Hank Zipzer. Read
Kunt And The Gang - the musical comedy act delivers 'songs of questionable taste' - talks about his career. Read
Phillip Schofield will return to ITV with four new episodes of comedy game show You're Back In The Room. Read
Glory Pearl explains why she will be performing her Edinburgh Fringe shows totally naked. Read
Spitting Image producer John Lloyd says he wants to bring back the satirical puppet format, maybe as an online show. Read
Milton Jones, Katherine Ryan and Seann Walsh, amongst the many comedians at Reading and Leeds festivals. Read
The writers of the army-based BBC Three comedy Bluestone 42 have confirmed that the sitcom has ended. Read
Absolutely, the comedy sketch group who starred in their own Channel 4 show, are making a series for Radio 4. Read
You can vote for which of this year's Edinburgh shows has the best poster. The winning show will get cash. Read
Big School, the sitcom created by David Walliams, has ended. The star is now working on a sketch show. Read
The hit comedy panel show podcast is back for a fifth series, with guests including Katherine Ryan. Listen
Radio 1 DJ Greg James talks to BCG about how proud he is to have written his own BBC sitcom pilot. Read
Grindah and Beats, the main two characters in BBC mockumentary People Just Do Nothing, talk to BCG: Read
The cast of Yonderland talk about the return of the fantasy comedy series, and the labels put on their show. Read
Writer Andrew Mettam lists out seven reasons why his sitcom pilot Fishbowl is great, but he can't take credit. Read
Sky1 is making Rovers, a sitcom set in the clubhouse of a lower league football club. Sue Johnston stars. Read
Ashley Jensen will return to Sky1 for 8 more episodes of Agatha Raisin, the show based MC Beaton's books. Read
The popular Twitter feed 'Very British Problems' has been given a three-part TV series by Channel 4. Read